Sex gone? does it matter?

[skinnyhinny]

Hi all. I'm 43 years old, mum to 3 kids (7, 10 and 12) and new to this site but thought it would be a good place to start! I've been married to my H for 14 years. For the past 10 years of so our marriage has been difficult because he has a terrible temper (not physical!!) and he has spent most of the past 10 years shouting and being very moody and unpredictable. I've lived on eggshells day in and day out.

Our marriage really fell apart last March when I had a one night stand (Very drunk and the biggest mistake of my life) and with the help of Relate we've faced our problems and my H has realised he's possibly thrown it all away - I've told him it's just too late and want to try a separation but he refuses to leave unless I say I want a divorce EVEN if it could save our marriage (which he doesn't think a separation would).

HOWEVER For the past year he's been on a personal journey of self discovery and is now a pussycat. He doesn't lose his temper at all and has found peace within himself. However....the sex which has never been good is non existant. I just don't feel that way about him any more. Don't get me wrong he's actually very handsome with a great body but I just don't want to! Maybe it's because it's always been disappointing - we like it very differently, I like to make love and slowly he likes it hard and fast.

My question is... should I stay as he seems to be rather a nice person now!! and we still love each other very much even though I will probably have a lifetime of bad or even non existent sex or should I move on even though we have a lovely happy friendship and we still love each other?

I think it would be a shame to call it a day now when so much work has been done and you still love each other.

The differing sexual needs is an issue that can be addressed - just look at how far you've come with other issues. Is it possible to compromise? Not to such a rigid regime but, for example, loving one day and hard and fast the next as it were. Some of this I believe is the difference between a man and woman's attitude towards sex but there can be a common meeting ground.

Do you think that working on the sexual aspect of your relationship would help at all?
Could you fancy him if he was actually interested in improving your sex life and actually wanted you to enjoy sex as much as him? - that's what it boils down to imho.

If he knows how you like to have sex then he obviously doesn't care much about your pleasure but if he's worked on his personality so radically then surely he should be able to learn how to have mutually satisfying sex.

Thanks for your replies. God I just don't know what to do. I really adore him as a friend and am so sad when I think it could be over as I really don't want a sexual relationship with him but then I think of a life on my own and the possibility that I might be happy with someone else and I feel so EXCITED at the prospect. I just think life on my own as a single mum would be great (money is no issue) as I@d have my freedom back not just for a new man but for me as a person, I'd actually be able to breathe again. I really don't know if the sex issue was sorted that I would be happy to settle for him for the next 40 years. That's what it feels like I suppose...settle

I think you are probably still pretty angry about being shouted at for ten years, and in my experience, this makes you go cold. I don't know whether you'll warm up again (and in some ways why should you?) but I would give it a chance. As you start seeing he really has changed and relax into that, and as you still love him and find him handsome, it could improve a lot. You may actually have to have sex with him though, and start getting it to be the way you like it, it isn't going to go miraculously better by not doing it much...I think if he's responsive enough to change his personality and curb his temper, he may be happy to make a few changes in that department too. You sound tired out from the whole thing though, and rightly so.

I think that you should stay and try to work it out. If he has changed so much recently then there is hope that the sex bit could get fixed too.

You have to think about what the reason really is that you don't want to do it with him because you do still want to do it.

you could try talking to a counsellor? I did and she found out that I was really cross about some things that I didn't know I was cross about (that made sense in my head!).

Skinnyhinny, when exactly did you stop feeling 'that way' about him?

It's ok to call time on a relationship. Just because he's less bad tempered than he was doesn't mean you owe him a 3rd chance.

I'm not surprised you stopped feeling that way about him. It's impossible to feel that way about somebody you have been frightened of irritating for a long time.

Not having sex is ok when it's your friend, but when it's your husband, it'd be the elephant in the room.

You ask if it matters that you're not having sex with somebody you don't love and want to split up from anyway (if he'd allow it). The question is, why don't you face up to the truth and split up. You don't need his permission.

Hi all. Today I'm quite depressed. We had a big conversation yesterday that ended with us both in tears. He's so down on himself. He realises that he's been such a twat for years and is only now facing up to that. He thinks it's all his fault ( I guess it is) and that we'd all be better off without him. He's promised he's turned himself around and that the old him has gone for good. The other thing I didn't mention is that he isn't working and hasn't done on account of trying to build up various businesses for years but them never getting anywhere. I have more than enough money for us all so it hasn't really mattered but now it somehow really does! It's not the fact that he isn't bringing in money...I actually don't know WHY it's such a big deal now. I just can't seem to commit to him now. I really don't know why but the idea simply terrifies me. I can't bear to break his heart and leave him behind because what if I wake up one morning and it hits me that I've made a terrible mistake? ANd how can I do that to our kids? Oh god I really don't know what to do.