if you have exluded a parent or parents from your life

[abletosplash]

I have name-changed for my privacy but I have been a regular MN poster for a long time.

My sister has recently asked me if I think our mother is narcissistic. Unfortunately, I don't have many memories of my childhood and I put this down to it having been mostly troubled. I had a very aggressive relationship with my mother and my father physically abused me (us?) - not sexual at all but terrible beatings for punishments.

I have been reading a lot about narcissism and there are definitely clues to my mother and father's behaviour. My sister is considering cutting off our mother. I have always tried to maintain a relationship that was based on her being a grandmother to my eldest daughter. When my dd1 was born, my mother did as much mothering as me and I was always grateful that she was a better grandmother than a mother.

My questions really are for those who have excluded a parent or parents from their life.

• how did you do this?

• did doing this feel as good as you hoped (not having "ties" with your parent/s)?

It's such a long and difficult journey and I'm really not sure how I want to proceed. I get a sense that my sister is really suffering and her memories are affecting how she behaves.

I left home at 19, and took my younger sister with me and have not seen my father since except at two family funerals. So, that's 22 years now, and I don't regret it for a minute. Should add though that my mother died when I was 17 so there wasn't much holding us to him. He was violent, and abusive, and controlling and I just realised I couldn't stand one more day of acting as if he was normal.

I went through a phase of really hating him, but over time I have forgiven him. Mainly because I felt I needed release from that burden of hatred. It doesn't mean I have to see him though as he's not changed so seeing him again would just open me up to hurt again.

Sometimes people ask me about him, I used to lie because I was ashamed of my past but now I just tell the truth. I find no-one else really cares, but if I am completely honest sometimes I do feel as if I'd be a good candidate for Jeremy Kyle!

My mum is mean really. She sent me an email saying how many ways i was a bad daughter. All the things i have done wrong, all the ways she had been good. NO sign of me having any plus points and no mention of her making any mistakes. She is perfect and tries so hard, and i am a pathetic ungrateful devil child. So i replied to say that i did not want to fight, that i came in peace. She has not replied to me. It has been 2 weeks. It does not matter what i do i am always the bad child. She has told everyone else in the family that i am terrible and now no one else speaks to me. So i have no family now. I did not really want to loose them, but they will not respond with out fighting. I dont want to fight. I guess the mean one won this time.

Seahorse, thank you for writing such nice things about my post. I always try to write similar things in threads where people are in despair about their parents and feel guilty about not getting on with them.

Sometimes we just have to give ourselves a break and accept that it isn't always possible to fix everything. That life is short and we should make the most of it.

PfftTheMagicDragon, I'm glad you are also feeling calmer now and not feeling those awful knots of stress.

Snowdon, if your mum has always treated you in this way then please don't feel you have to keep taking it in order to be a 'good daughter'. The things she has said to you are cruel and abusive and you really don't have to put up with them. Unfortunately, families often 'scapegoat' someone and take the side of one member of a family against the other. Try not to let it upset you too much. It's really possible to build a new life full of people who love you for you and who treat you with the respect and kindness you deserve. Just because you are connected to someone by blood doesn't meant that you are going to like or get on with the automatically - neither does it give them the right to treat you badly and take out their own frustrations on you.

Thanks, yes she has always treated me unfairly. Really i should have stuck up for myself long ago. I guess they just get used to treating you like a door mat and the process just keeps repeating. But she controls my father and i would like to see him, i like my dad. He is disabled and she is his full time carer, so i cant see him without contacting her. She is aware of this and i am sure using it against me. But this is not really giving my Dad any kindness or a chance to see his only daughter and my children. I guess some people are just mean. I am a little shocked as i am not mean myself and would never do something so pointlessly cruel.

Cut mother out 3 yrs ago. Best thing I have done, no regrets.
Fell out yrs ago, gave her 2nd chance. Biggest regret i have is giving her that 2nd chance but I suppose it saves me a gult trip ie should I have tried harder etc.

As to how did i do it? Well, had been getting more and more pissed off with her behaviour, for a while before the big fall out. When it did come, it was my chance, so I grabbed it.

I suppose you could wait til there is an argument and use that as your excuse, ie
'thats it, Ive had it with you, that was the final straw'?

thanks for your contributions and sharing your experiences. Real life, kids and work have kept me away but my mind has been constantly whirring!

I am surprised that so many people have similar experiences. It just goes to show that the idea of a "perfect family" really isn't out there and what other families seem like probably isn't how it is behind closed doors.

Lovesdogsandcats - I would love there to be a row in which I could use profanities and tell my mother to keep away. However, the situation is sort of manageable (ie I ignore most of the ugly stuff). My sister and I live in another country to our parents so face-to-face contact is minimal. We can choose to ignore phone / text / email contact. I do have two children who have the opportunity to have a relationship with their grandmother. It is very controlled by me - mostly because visits are limited - and my eldest dd is aware and has seen how my sister and I have been treated.

My sister instigated this convo - she mentioned that our mother could be NPD. To be honest, I haven't spoken about this further with her but counselling is definitely something that I have considered suggesting to her. I am in two minds about this because I feel strangely safe since I have very few memories about our childhood and I am scared that any kind of counselling could bring up things that I will then have to deal with.

snowdon - I really feel for what you are going through. My mother did similar things although, thankfully, I still have good relationships with my extended family.

Elliemental - the shock tactics really hurt. Trying to understand how others can only see one side of events and even believe it is frustrating. It annoys me that my mother can only see what she does right and how our behaviour affects her. Never mind how her behaviour affects me and my family.

I'm looking forward to the relief you talk about Celtic. You sound so calm as you write about how to build your own secure network around you.

Likewise Vallhala, I'm enjoying working on building great friendships!

So many comments and they have all been taken on board and helping me to formulate my ideas to discuss this further with my sister.

After tolerating years of my mother's appalling behaviour (mostly passive aggressive in latter years) I told her I never wished to see her again. I changed my telephone number and blocked her on email addresses.
I wondered if she might contact via letter to apologise, but it has been over a year and nothing. Although, an apology would make no difference, I simply never wish to see or hear from her again.

I felt quite apprehensive as first. I sometimes feel guilty (inexplicably) but the relief of never having to endure another (rare) visit contact has made it worthwhile.
As a result I'm afraid I have also lost contact with my sister and grandmother,there was no way around this.