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Original poster

DH moody with DD

9 replies

knackered76 · 06/03/2010 18:49

Feel a bit bad writing this but wanted advice. My DH can be very good dad, playing with the children, making them dinner, giving time to myself, etc BUT recently he has had the patience of a flea. Our DD has just started school and has turned into an antagonistic nightmare, especially with DS. DS has also decided that now's the time for hideous tantrums. All in all it's a trying time for all of us. I'm no saint and I do lose my temper, get impatient, etc but I have them all week. He sees them briefly in the morning and not at all at night so the weekend is the only time we have together and they have with him. Today he has been really horrible to our DD. I believe you should put on a united front and if there are disagreements deal with them when the children are out of sight but today I inferred twice. Once when he grabbed her by her clothes and squared up to her (she's 4) and again when she came in the house after an unpleasant car journey, started whinging and he told her to sit down and shut up.

I've told him he has to apologise to her as we would expect it of her but he won't and I think this upsets me almost as much as his behaviour to her. I really don't think he can see that he's wrong.

Feeling all a bit blue and not sure what to do about it . . . . .

OP posts:

EcoMouse · 07/03/2010 14:45

It's understandable that you're upset!

He's bullying her and you have to act. In the face of his denial this could be difficult to work on together but whatever's going on for him he can't continue to take it out on your DC.

If he was amenable to it, I'd suggest a parenting course but given he (presumably) isn't, I'd boot him out until he was able to acknowledge his issues and seek help.

SrStanislaus · 07/03/2010 15:01

Throwing a loving dad out of the house for having an off day is a tad extreme I think.

Sounds to me that he is having work problems and cant deal with whiny kids just now. He isnt behaving like a saint -but just as a human with other things to struggle with.
Your Dd is also probably very tired and doesnt know what is wrong with herself and cant vocalise that she needs some quite time after school.
Its just a period of adjustment and soon it will all fit back into place again.

Let it go if he is usually okay with the DCs . Have 'the talk' with him when all is calm again.

EcoMouse · 07/03/2010 21:07

"...recently he has had the patience of a flea. Our DD has just started school and has turned into an antagonistic nightmare, especially with DS..."

I read it as more than an 'off day'. He grabbed then "squared up" to a 4 year old and shows no remorse - I find that worrying.

3littlefrogs · 07/03/2010 21:20

I would be very concerned about this TBH. OK - dads can be insensitive or tactless sometimes, but to "square up" to a 4 year old is absolutely unacceptable.

He needs to grow up and be the adult here, and if he can't do that, or cannot see why it matters, he needs some parenting classes PDQ.

A four year old is a breeze compared to the average teenager, so he had better get a grip now.

3littlefrogs · 07/03/2010 21:22

However, it is also important to discover why he is being like this. Is he having problems at work or financial worries maybe?

Tortington · 07/03/2010 21:28

we don't all just know what to do when we get upset or stressed.

so, i think you need to talk to him about what punishments are acceptable and in what situations.

dh and i have had some humdingers and he admitted that he felt powerless and we had to talk through what is acceptable in what circumstances.

i think you also have to remind him that shes 4 as in "She's 4. and 4 year old whinge, its irritating ut perfectly normal.

its about pointing out what level of response to what situation

blinks · 08/03/2010 02:08

what do you mean by 'squared up to her'.

reading that made me shudder.

loves2walk · 08/03/2010 16:59

I agree with 3littlefrogs that it needs sorting now while DD is only 4. My DH started like this when DS1 was 4/5yrs - he's now 9yrs and the problems are so much worse. 9 yr olds talk back much more than 4yr olds and refuse to be pushed around so this squaring up business could get much worse. Mind you I'm not sure how you tackle it as I have tried different approaches and we still go into phases where my DH's tolerance of DC is so low it is almost unsustainable for those few days. I almost think he needs to live elsewhere when he's in an intolerant mood because I think there is a real possibility that psychological damage is being done. When the DC act noisily, fight with each other or have really bad table manners (all normal behaviours in 9 & 4 yrs) DH in a good phase uses lots of distraction, praise and firm but kind telling off. In a bad phase he shouts, grabs, shoves about and I'm afraid I intervene and tell him he is being unreasonable and will undo punishments if I thinkl they are unjust. That must be confusing for children to see but you can't kick someone out for occasional bad parenting. My approach now is to be open and honest as much as I can infront of the DC. So I stand up for them if I feel reactions are unreasonable and say 'I think that is unfair and unjust', or I'll say 'I think daddy is really tired and stressed and didn't mean to hurt your feelings just then' and I'll get them to cuddle and make up.

At calmer times I tell DH that I will continue to intervene when I think it is needed as I have tried the other approach of leaving him to parent in his way and me in mine, but now feel psychological damage could be a consequence so prefer to take this different approach of openly intervening in a calm, measured way. Dh hates the idea that he could be damaging his DC as he loves them hugely but I honestly don't feel he can help himself at times. He was frequently beaten by his own father for what sounds like minor misdemeanors, so is probably damaged himself. Surely he needs as much patience shown to him as he is being asked to show to DC?

Hope you can tackle this calmly and have an effect before it becomes a problem

kittyonthebeam · 08/03/2010 18:24

Could he be under pressure at work? Sry if that's already been said. You mention he only has the kids in the evenings and on WE's, but to be fair he does have a daytime job, too. I often fail to see that with my DH but have decided to be more supportive of him as he really does have a stressful job and brings home money that allows me not having to go to work and clean and cook. I really only have my dd to look after and that I do, even though I am sometimes bored or tired of her tantrum of wanting the car keys while I'm driving...

However I agree with you that it's not okay to tell a child or anyone else for that matter to 'shut up'. Don't put him under pressure while he's angry, but I think he should apologise to his daughter and explain that he's stressed, etc. She shouldn't be growing up thinking it's okay to speak to people like this. However, I know 'the whinges' and I think a way to treat them is to ignore it and move on, ditto for tantrums. If they get no reaction they'll lose interest...fingers crossed

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