Is it him or me? Is this out of order?

[IsItHimOrMe]

Hi there, I have name-changed for this .
Just wanted other's opinions on my OH.

He is just so moody, always has been, it's really starting to get to me now.

One example:
Last night when he was all lovely, saying how much he loves his family and wanting me to come over to sit with him (we had friends round and he was tipsy).

Then this morning he got up and made breakfast and I went to sit at the table to eat it with him (kids were playing in their room) he said "Gillian, can't you go in the bedroom to eat?" HE DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO EAT BREAKFAST IN THE SAME ROOM AS ME!!! When I asked him he said he wanted peace, but I wasn't even making a noise!

Is it just me or is his behaviour out of order? somehow controlling? Opinions needed Mumsnetters....

We had an argument about it after the ikds went to their grandparents for the day and I told him to go out , which he (almost too happily) did. argh!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!

incredibly odd comment

Are you a particularly noisy eater? Perhaps you have a clicking jaw or make rather off putting slurping noises with your morning tea . I'm just kidding, he's totally out of order.

Is he often like this?

this is out of order i agree, are you sometimes a bit clingy in a following him around the house type of way? (i mean that nicely) my dp sometimes gets irate if i offer him a cup of tea! he says i'm always fussing round after him! (well i won't be any more!)

My H has always behaved like this. He likes to have his breakfast on his own, shuts doors on me and does not wish to be disturbed, eg. as a statement to say the sitting room is now closed to everyone except him. But I am on another thread and my H is controlling.

Sounds very arsy/moody to me. DH is never like that (we enjoy spending time together) and I'd be shocked (and upset / thinking something was up) if he said anything like this.

Hiya, thanks

piratecat His comment was weird, or my comment was weird?

RenneRusso lol! No I'm not a noisy eater at all!

TotalChaos Yes, he is often making comments like this (daily at least) One minute he is fine, nice and funny etc, the next minute he's ranting about some little thing or another ie - "these plates are in the wrong place!!!" , and his mum brought her dogs round the other day as she had locked herself out of her own house and the dogs dirty paws all over the cream carpet, he went SO MAD because "NOBODY IN THIS HOUSE THOUGHT TO CLOSE THE DOOR OF THAT ROOM!!!!" not forgetting he was in the house too, but it's ALWAYS my fault (or sometimes his mums) This is the serious side to this - it's really getting me down and even when i tell him and he mumbles something resembling 'sorry' it's back to the same the very next day. I just can't take it anymore!

GoddessInTheKitchen No, I'm not unusually clingy, I'm usually too pissed off with him from the last outburst.

Do any of you think I should give him an ultimatum? Stop acting like this or leave? Before he brings everybody in the house down anymore?

autumnlight I think I have read some of your posts, and I'm sorry you are going through this too. He is the same -
DEMANDS quiet from everyone in house (well me and older DC, not the baby yet) for the first ten mins after he wakes up, but HE is allowed to rant and rave and ruin evryone elses morning. GRRRRRR! If I challenge him on anything he will sometimes walk into the next room and shut the door. As if to say "discussion over, You will now shut up".

Neatha That's what i said to him, that couples sit and eat breakfast together on the weekends when they can.

It's not normal is it?
How do I change this? or do I accept he will never change and move on? He has always been like this since we lived together, before that he was a perfect gent because we didn't see each other much it was easy to hide his outrageous (IMO) behaviour.

What to do?

It is him, not you.

All he is now doing is dragging you, and by turn the children, down with him. They learn about relationships from you both after all.

Accept he will never change and move on with your life without him in it. His behaviour is abusive and doubtless inbuilt within him.

Attila I know he is dragging me down with him, and in turn the kids because I can't be the happy mum they need when his behaviour has brought me down. I have told him this, he says sorry and STILL does this. I love him though when he is in a good mood, but obviously can't keep going on like this. Do you not think I should give him an ultimatum first? Tell him how much his behaviour affects me and the kids and that unless he STOPS acting like that, STARTING NOW, then our relationship is over?
The thing that annoys me most is that he can obviously control himself with his friends and colleagues - He wouldn't dream of shouting at them if they had made a mistake, only me and his mum. . I have told him all of this before, I think Iam no doormat because I shout and argue back at him, but I suppose in a way Iam a doormat as I stay , which gives him the message it's ok to actthe way he does.

Yes, he can control himself with other people, but he doesn't with you. That's him telling you that you are unimportant, that you are an object that belongs to him, that you have to put him first or you'll suffer. This mindset in men is almost impossible to change so it's probably time to start working out the practicalities of getting rid of him.
BTW, anyone who says 'Sorry' but doesn;t change the upsetting behaviour isn't sorry at all - their 'sorry' means, 'this is what I have to say to get you to shut up, like rebooting a PC every now and again'.

Thanks SolidGoldBrass What everyone has said rings home on so many levels. i have told him all of these things. he says 'sorry' but really doesn't think what he does is that much of a big deal, so it never changes. I just can't live like this anymore. i know people get moody etc at times, but i find myself constantly questioning to myself "is this unacceptable or is this just a moody thing i would do?" usually it is the first option and i can't take it anymore. iam going to tell him tonight to STOP taking his moods out on everyone else and being unreasonable and to learn to express his opinions respectfully in an adult way which he already knows how to do as he does it with colleagues etc or Iam leaving .Throwing him out or if that fails, giving up the rent deposit for this house and moving to a new one with the DCs even if I lose £1000 in savings in the process. Then there will be no going back.
Thank You for all of your advice. Anyone any more advice? x

Don't give an ultimatum! They almost never work to the positive. Absolutely pointless.

Have a mature discussion with him by all means but make your own plans according to your wishes.

Don't make your choices dependent upon his because you are just giving him further means to control, on a plate!

Isithim..you are on the right track. His behaviour is abusive and messes with your head (hence you asking yourself is this normal..is this what I would do if I were in a bad mood....what did I do or say that was wrong?)

Your idea of giving him an ultimatium is a good one,but make sure you do not get drawn into ANY arguments, do NOT fall into any trap of defending yourself when he says you did this...you did that... Just keep repeating to him that you will no longer accept being treated or spoken to without respect. Do not try to explain/justify...it doesn't matter if he doesn't understand. He will soon enough.

And please, please urgently buy the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans....you will find it so helpful.

He sounds like somebody who is not very good at living with other people. Wife and children are just objects, to be shuffled around, like the furniture, as it suits him; or as toys to be picked up and put down when he wants to play with them. That's kind of unhealthy, you know. It's not HIS kitchen, that he can decide to allow you in or not, it's a room in the house you all SHARE and if he doesn't like someone there while he eats, he can at least learn to be courteous about it. Being married to someone doesn't let you off behaving like a decent human being to them - I'd say quite the reverse, you owe them MORE consideration.

If you had a dog that growled at you when you entered the room, you'd soon do something about it, wouldn't you? People should behave better than dogs, because they are intelligent enough to know better - in theory.