is this man a tosspot or is is really me?

[rosyred]

Hi all have posted on here a few times, and your advice is really helping me to grow some balls.
bit of background. I have been with H for 19 years and married for 16, we have 4 dc's and expecting another in 8 weeks.
H has been physically and emotionally abusive abusive throughout most of our marriage, he then went on to have affair with my sil 8 years ago and another affair last summer when we were living apart but still together ifyswim.
I know why am I still with him?
Anyway just recently have been really down and decided I had to take action and not let life pass me bY.
We got back together last september after me putting the condition that he seeks help for his issues, he seemed really keen to do this and went to GP'S where he was prescribed AD's and said he had been refered for counselling. I worked out that the counselling bit was a lie and said to him yesterday I don't trust you anymore and cannot spend my life with some one who wil not do anything to save our marriage and family.
He said I should trust him, oh yea silly me.
He then went on to say he doesn't need help, as he has counselled himself. lol. he wants to just work and then come home to us.
I said without help he will hurt me again and I'm not prepared to wait for that.
He said I have problems and I should stop labelling him as he is a good man with a good heart and not the things I say he is.
he said I need help and that he doesn't love me and wants to be alone as he's had enough.
he went on with the usual shit. blah de blah.
Anyway I ended it saying I deserve better and I want someone to fight for me and not expect me to put up and shut up. he can't deal with rejection so always has to end it first you see.
Am I wrong to demand he seeks help?
Now I just want him gone, but he has no friends or family to stay with? am very angry today that I have wasted so many years on this tosspot.

yes grace you are right, as I said in earlier post I am too forgiving and always think people can change, I realise now I have just been enabling him to behave like this. I know now, but it has unfortunately taken me this long to let the rose tinted glasses fall and I see things for what that are and am horrified that I let him treat me this way. I want my kids to have a good stable life and their happiness is more important than mine. By demons I mean whatever it is that made him this way, I don't believe people are born being lying cheating manipulators, so something went wrong somewhere and no I can't save him, he needs me to end it so he can learn and move on. You just become so conditioned to living with highs and lows that it becomes normal, until you suddenly realise the love yo had is being replaced by hate and disrespect and only then do you have the strength to break free.

you are PG omg, did you plan to have a baby in the midst of all this abuse? I really feel so sorry for you, to have to go through this whilst expecting

No wasn't planned, just stupidness on both parts. There is no abuse at the moment, he's just sulking cause i'm not playing his game.
thats the weird thing it didn't take anything to force a decision, I simply just decided that I can't wait and risk the man changing when he prob won't and I'm 35 and don't want to waste any more years in a dysfunctional marriage. now i just want him to leave so that is the next battle. he usually has a three day sulk and will then tell me he will do what I want. trouble is too late now. he was warned so he can't say its a shock, I guess he got used to me always taking him back, so why bother to change. he had no need.
I will be fine with baby, older girls will help me and I have friends and family, who will help, especially as im not with him, they didn't understand why I always went back

Just wanted to say a huge well done for realising that, it's the hardest part, now all you have to do (sounds so simple lol) is get him to move out and you can start living YOUR life.

And if you ever feel like taking him back, post on here, we will talk you down

Thanks bb, yes I know that is the hard part, when they are acting like selfish tossers, its easy to know you are right, but when they start saying what you want to hear then thats when resolve an slip, only this time Ive had so many years of words and empty promises, not just about us, but money and stuff aswell, that I just don't listen anymore. change to me is about action, not words. I said to him this morning that am fed up with sulking, not going to live in an atmosphere like this and if needs to leave asap. Of course he said he's fed up of listening to me and will gladly go.
I told him that if he can't take responsibility for our marriage problems and won't do whatever ir takes to save our marriage then he neither cares or loves me.
he thinks this is my fault for starting it. so I said oh I am sorry I don't trust you, don't know why i would feel that way. lol sorry hard not to be sarcastic to him, not easy. I worried about the future and how difficult life may be with 5 kids, but I know I have to do this or will forever live in regret of what I could of had, which is a non dramatic, respetful, trusting and FUN relationship with someone, or is that just a fairytale.
thanks to all bty. my balls are growing by the day. (grin)

sorry my spelling was atrocious in that post.
should read needs to leave, not if.

how long into the marriage did he start to be abusive RR?

Mrs Pixie, well early on after about 3 years of being together, he punched a hole in a wall during a row, then slowly over the years just escalated, last time he hit me was last year, whilst I was living in a temporary hostel(long story) I punched him back that time, for the first time. he was horrified that I did such a thing, would you believe.
I just don't know why I hung on for so long and why I thought we should be together. when he met last OW I was devastated and wanted him even more, all my friends were telling me to take the chance to get out now and freeze him, and I just couldn't, so wish I could go back now and do things different.
the things with men like him though is that they do have a lovely side to them and they can be near on perfect ifyswim. I am now wondering if he ever really loved me or has just been sticking with me for other reasons.
He just does not seem bothered at all now, I think he wants me to let him go so he doesn't feel bad about abandoning his family.
he told me he came back because 'it was the right thing to do.' I don't want that, I just want someone to love for me, or the person I was. I cry for that person, I can't rremember the last time I was truly happy.
I am frightened that I won't bond with this new baby, initially was booked for abortion very early on and couldn't go through with it, but I still wanted him then, now I don't and am very scared of being responsible for so many lives. I know I can do as already have, all my friends say I should be proud of how ive brought them up, but am so v worried about life holds for me now.