Not sure I should be feeling suspicious, WWYT?

[whattothinkaboutthis]

Have been with my partner for 5 nearly 6 years love him a lot and other than the usual domestic arguments (put the tins in the recycling box you fucker sort of thing) we rarely row.

Lately these things have happened:

Big project at work, means I barely see him. He comes home and stays in his study and goes to bed. Been going on for about 4 months. We have tried to make time for us, went for a meal once in these 4 months, that's it.

Sex always instigated by me. He rarely seemed to instigate it once we moved in together but it's literally never ever ever now that he starts things. I did a test and we didn't have sex for a month because I didn't initiate it! Been going on for 6 months.

He rarely went out after work, but lately (past 3/4 months) he has been going out more, started out once a month (fine, but getting in a 7am and not texting me at all whilst out, bit unusual, I normally get at least 1 drunken text either of the love you variety of the I'm not dead will be home late variety) and has built up to going out 3 times after work in the last 2 weeks and not even letting me know until the last minute and it always seems to be someone's leaving do .

We have no DC and are quite young (he is 28) I don't mind him going out one bit and don't expect him to ask etc but AIBU to want to be kept in the loop a little?

More importantly are there just too many coincidences going on here? I don't feel like he is doing anything untoward, but if I did a "is your guy cheating" quiz in a trashy mag it wouldn't be looking good would it? Or if I friend was telling me thing I would be thinking, "oh yeh what's he up to then".

I just don't know what is going on? Do I ask him and risk him thinking I don't trust him? Do I snoop and drive myself demented? Is there another option?

He leaves his phone lying around all the time if that means anything?

Sorry long postm didn't want to drip feed and be accused of trolling, I am a regular and will not link to nipple clamps, promise!

PS> I know most people will say trust your instincts, but my instincts are a bit "hmm" at the mo. Amber rather than green IYSWIM?

I actually think that he's not 'up to anything untoward' I'm going to go so far as to even say that I don't think you'd fail an 'Is he Cheating' survey.

Is your relationship in 'trouble'? hmm, yes and no, IMHO.

5/6 years in to a relationship it's pretty normal to hit a kind of speed bump. Plus the fact he's coming up to a milestone birthday.

For me this combination is at the core of where you are presently, he's feeling some mortality issues and has been under pressure at work. After 5/6 years or so - hence the 7 year Itch.. the honeymoon period wears off, and some relationships can struggle to get to the new more sedate, relaxed plateau. Add all this up together nad his going out is not a sign of him doing anything to undermine your relationship, it's more about him wanting to kick it a little...

The phone thing is significant. He's not hiding anything, or so it would seem. he's not picking fights with you, it's just that you pair are not having fun, life is not fun at the moment.

You say that you have tried to make time for some fun, I know how you probably meant that, but it does seem to suggest that some spontaneity needs to be injected back into your relationship and you both need to reconnect.

When the Big Project is over, can you not both go away for a long weekend somewhere you'll both enjoy and spend some nice, couple, carefree time together?

I think that your sense of Amber light is a really positive sign, it shows you are aware of the need to do something, and are prepared to do it. Your relationship does have a good chance of pulling through this.

Bloody glad to hear about the nipple clamps too btw

I know it's not bumsex and it is a friday night but does anyone think I have nothing to worry about?

He is not at home, I'm in work and he doesn't know that I know he's not there if that makes sense. So I'm contemplating checking into a hotel for the night.

It does sound a little suspicious, doesn't it? Poor you - don't let it consume you. IMO it would be best to confront him with everything that you've posted on here. Whether he's having an affair or not, there are clearly signs that things aren't right in the relationship. A big project that means he doesn't see you for 4 months? Nothing can be that serious at work, surely?

The coming in at 7 am is very extreme. Where on earth would he be til then? Does he provide any 'alibis'?

Thanks groundhogs, it's nice to have someone to talk to about this, we have a lot of the same friends and all my girls friends live somewhere else so it can be tricky.

I'm still not totally convinced it's nothing and I do understand what you mean about the 7 year itch totally! You are right there is nothing spontaneous in our relationship at all. The big project is going to last over a year! I could handle that if we just had some proper time together, even one night a week would do me fine but our timetables never seem to match up .

I've tried sorting out a weekend away and he would rather save the money to do a "proper" weekend away. ie a luxury weekend away with all the trimmings. I'm thinking more along the lines of a space for us weekend even if it means we eat fish and chips on Brighton Pier or whatever. But he doesn't seem to get that, which is part of my worry I guess.

id deffo be doing some super snooping = phone internet, fb account the lot.

where does he say he's been when he comes in at 7am?

I'm afraid my light would have passed Amber a while back...

Hmm, the proper weekend could be too pie in the sky and also high pressure... 'it's supposed to be bloody perfect the amount we are paying...' iycwim...

little teeny weeny gestures to show you care will have more effect than grandiose gestures in a 15* hotel.

The weather's getting better, pack a picnic and bugger off somewhere scenic.... jump him if you feel so inclined... give him a taste of the great outdoors....

Have you asked him about why he is always out? I'm wondering if you may have, in his mind, nagged him... Not saying that you have, blokes are a law unto themselves, and worse than toddlers sometimes, especially when milestone birthday's are approaching.

Or else he's just trying to kick it with the younger single crowd at work, getting caught up with the fun of it all.

When he's out til 7, that is unusual, unless he's Egyptian or similar is he drinking? Could drugs be involved? Is he clubbing, where IS he until 7am?

Men can be abysmal social secretaries too...

Make arrangements for the pair of you and just go for it, tell him he's booked for the weekend after next and just do it.. perhaps like sex, you need to instigate this too....

What I don't want to happen is that you end up being some kind of mother figure, where you are up all night wondering where the hell he is, and he's behaving like a naughty boy.

If you haven't spoken to him about of this, then arrange some time together, and ask him whats going on, that you miss him and miss spending time with him.

Where is he tonight? Have you called him?

I hate to say it but at the very least you have some respect/ trust issues.. staying out until 7am is absolutely unacceptable for anyone and he is absolutely taking the piss. He's 28, not 18. He's an adult. I do agree with GH that he i think he is coming up to an age whereby he is thinking mortality and all that, but I do also think perhaps his age is playing against you. You have been together for so much of your twenties, which is absolutely the time that you grow into the adult person that you will become that perhaps he is testing you to see if your relationship is strong enough for the man that he envisages that he wants to become IYSWIM. GH is absolutely right though, that you absolutely do not want to become his mother figure (aren't we all thought to a certain extent? Especially when it comes to chores) and her advice to go out and spend some time out talking about your relationship is a good one. Hopefully it will bring you back on track.

Second phone anyone? ^^

First step.....ask him why he never instigates sex anymore.

Sorry everyone I unexpectedly got sent home from work early so had to pack up my laptop. When I got home he still wasn't home and I just felt so cross that he could have so little regard for me I was dammed if I was staying in waiting for him with his tea in the oven like the good little "housewife".

SO I put his tea in the bin (it was ruined anyway so not that petty on my part) changed my clothes and met up with some friends who were in a bar to spill my guts.

I got in at 1am (no I hadn't text him, I feel like 'why should I', I'm not his mum. If he wants to extend me some courtesy he should do it off his own bat right?) and he still wasn't here but I wasn't as wound up as earlier.

He came home about 5 minutes after me and my opening line (even though my light is still amber, maybe even dim amber after talking with friends) was, "what's her name then?". He looked a bit confused and we had a long discussion about how I'd spent the last 2 hours with friends speculating about his behaviour.

So, I'm still not sure he gets why I'm so upset (he has offered to never go out with people from work, but that isn't the point is it?) but time will tell.

He has offered me his laptop this morning to read his emails but I don't want to.

To answer some questions, no I haven't asked him (until last night) why he is always out, I mean we can afford it, we have no DC so if he is going to go through a phase of going out I would rather it was now IYSWIM. But I have objected to him not telling me what's going on, ie staying out till 7am and me not knowing if he is dead FFS! I have asked him to just text me, "I'm not dead" or "will be back late" if e is out past 2.30am.

I don't keep tabs on him, I don't care if he wants to go to strip clubs (he hasn't but I'm trying to demonstrate that I'm very relaxed, I go out at least once a week myself & spend one weekend every 6ish weeks with friends 40 mins away), goes but with women, goes back to friends houses, etc. So long as he doesn't come home blind drunk throwing up (happened once) I'm relaxed about everything.

All of his friends in work are older, there is one in his 40s with a 4 year old who stays out till 7/8am! Now that I would go beserk about, but his partner puts up with it! Lots of places stay open til silly hours here so they just stay out in bars/clubs or sometimes go back to someones house.

"you end up being some kind of mother figure, where you are up all night wondering where the hell he is, and he's behaving like a naughty boy."

That's exactly it, and that is how I have been feeling and that's a start of a slippery slope that I'm not happy going down TBH! Thefantasticfixit - chores wise he did used to think I was his mother but I nipped that in the bud. He has his jobs and if he doesn't do them then it impacts on him not me IYSWIM (IE he does laundry, if it doesn't get done he has no shirts for work, but I have loads of clothes so it's not an issue).

Thanks for all the advice I will keep my amber light on just incase! I think it's more of a long term relationship issue so we just need to really set aside some us time.

Good news whattothink, I'm glad you have raised this with him and put it on it his radar.

From what you say, I am still convinced he's not 'up to something', he's perfectly willing to be open to you and available for inspection. Cheating men don't do that, at the drop of a hat... team this with the leaving the mobile phone lying around... nope, I don't think he's playing away.

I think it's just that often male habit of getting carried away. He's with people at work that make a habit of this, so he's fallen in with that.

Perhaps all that's needed is a chat with him to establish that his social activities are a little excessive and that he ought to scale it back a bit. TELL him you are not intending to be his mum, but that you miss him and would like to have a social life WITH HIM.

Time to book that long weekend whattothink, he'll not be able to refuse now, tee hee, you can guilt him into it!!

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