Why do some men need to control others?

[poshsinglemum]

Can anyone give me an insight please as I am trying to get my head round a controlling relationship.

because they are dickheads who feel pathetic in themselves and only get their kicks from feeling someone is lesser than them

or just because they are dickheads

what type of "man" are we dealing with here?

Insecurity is my bet.

I've known two controlling men, both were abused as children (Not that that's an excuse, many people have been abused and yet don't go on to abuse others)

But I theorise that the feelings they had then of being out of control, having no say etc is what warps their mind into having the need to control and be the one giving the orders in relation to every situation they find themselves in

I have no theories on men that aren't abused in childhood yet grow up to be abusive themselves but I would go out on a limb and say that again, it might stem from a certain point in their life when they felt completely vulnerable, or, it could be genetic even?

Whatever the reason for them becoming abusive, it certainly is NOT a reason for a woman (or man) to put up with the abuse.

Same reason some women do I'd imagine

Lots of women feel the need to control others too (including lots of posters on MN!). It is not a character trait that is reserved for men.

Are you generally an assertive person? The very best way to avoid controlling relationships is to work on your own assertiveness.

Because they want you to feel as bad about yourself as they feel about themselves.

I think a lot of it comes from emotional immaturity, general insecurity and a heightened fear of abandonment.

It may also be an acting out of relationship patterns they witnessed while growing up. An awful lot of people subconsciously follow relationship roles they saw when they were children as that's their "template" for how relationships work.

Be that as it may, that's their problem. Why some people are incapable of having a mature, mutually loving and respectful relationship is something an outsider will only ever be able to guess at.

Perhaps the more pertinent question for you (assuming this is about one of your relationships) is why did you end up in a controlling relationship and what warning signs were missed that, next time, you will be more conscious of? And what will it take for you to forgive yourself for finding yourself in such a relationship?