I think I just ended my marriage.

[SpringyWho]

DH & I have a history of problems, some of which have been chronicled here under other names. I thought things were better though, but recently I've discovered a lot of porn on his computer on numerous occasions.

I don't have a problem with porn per se, but I didn't like that he was looking at it alone (often when he wasn't interested in having sex with me), nor the content of some of it. I was raped a few years ago, & a lot of the videos he downloaded were if not rape a lot like rape (sleeping women being penetrated after having their breasts exposed for the camera, etc). That's not to say that none of it was rape porn. Some of it was. He denies downloading those bits, but I found a few instances of them.

I also found a couple of bookmarks, including one of a photograph of someone we both know (he knows her better & goes to uni with her) posing on a bed in her underwear. It is a public photo, so not taken for him, but in his bookmarks nonetheless.

After the last confrontation we had a massive discussion about everything & he promised me repeatedly that he'd only downloaded what I'd found, all on occasion, & that he had no idea how the bookmarks got there, etc. I was dubious to say the least, but chose to believe him because I love him, he's my husband, & the father to our gorgeous DS. He said that I could check his laptop whenever I liked, so I asked tonight if I could. He was a bit shifty about it & said 'oh, hang on then' & went to reach for it himself, but I didn't give him the chance. He also tried to remove his external harddrive because 'it's finished with, so it just needs putting away', but I made him leave it too.

On it, I found a whole lot of previously undiscovered porn. Including a video of a mother & daughter being raped. I didn't watch a lot of it & I assume that it's fictional, but obviously it's not great. To say the least.

After continuing to lie to my face as I asked him if he had anything to admit & making it more & more obvious that I knew he had things, including naming the folder they were hidden in, he finally confessed once presented with the videos. He continued to lie about everything else unless presented with evidence - including things that he'd previously promised me were the God's honest truth.

The last time this all blew up, I challenged him over it for hours & he kept denying it. In the end I said that he had until we went to bed to tell the truth & we'd work it out. If I ever found out he was lying, that'd be the end of the marriage. No, he said. I promise, it's the truth.

Fucking lying arsehole.

But now I think... DS. He's only a baby. He's nearly 11 months & so beautiful. & can I really take his daddy away from him over some pornography? What do I do? I'm in pieces.

i don't know your back history, and i think on balance that most people on here are probably talking sense, but my immediate thought was like onebatmother - were you and he together when you were raped? do you think perhaps he has this stuff because he is in some warped way trying to understand what happened to you? do you know that he is getting off on watching this, or could it actually be some bizarre way of trying to deal with your rape?

please ignore these questions if you are pretty certain this is not what he is doing, or if there is a long history of using porn like this. as i said i don't know your back story, and you have clearly been through so much.

either way, big hugs to you, and i do hope your DS sleeps well for you tonight so you can have a bit of space and time to yourself. take care x

I don't want to be unsympathetic to you OP as you're clearly distressed... But is it possible his sexual tastes are just not what you approve of and he does not feel comfortable in sharing this with you. The kind of sex he wants you do not. By the way I don't think the rape stuff means he wants to rape, could it be some kind if s and m dominance preference he has. (I do think pretend rape porn is disgusting though for the record).

You say he told you he 'did not wank to it', I get the impression you demanded to know that, and I don't think that's right as his masturbation is surely his personal business.

As for the people saying 'you don't want that man around your son'- I think that's grossly unfair. Providing he has not comitted these acts himself I don't see why his (admittedly bizzare) preferences preclude him from being a good father.

Have you tried approaching this with a bit of understanding, or at least respect for his privacy. I wouldn't appreciate my dh demanding the right to search my personal files.

I don't think one's sexual preferences can be totally unconnected to 'real life'. It's the same person. I would be very disturbed by this.

Right, so sorry to have disappeared everyone - my internet totally broke at home (coincidence? I don't know) & I've spent all day looking after DS & travelling down the country to see my family & stay for the weekend. Will read everything new now.

To answer questions:

The daughter being raped, I didn't see. I totally imagine she was of age though - I know nobody thinks that they're living with a paedophile, but I'm really very sure. I've not seen anything that would indicate a problem in that respect.

He didn't know me when I was raped (I was 17), so it didn't really affect him so much. He's always seemed angry about it, but I've never talked about it much with him. I did last night though - I thought he might like to know the less glamorous side to what it is that he finds so erotic. He didn't like that at all.

sunshiney, I've actually said to him a few times that I'd prefer him to be more dominant in the bedroom. I like men to be manly & strong & powerful. He always says he prefers me to be on top, restraining & teasing him. I often do this - he never returns the favour. In fact, if I ever talk about fucking, he always turns it into making love.

He was the one who said, completely of his own volition, after the last argument last week when I found another load of porn, that I was welcome to look at his laptop any time I liked. Last night I asked him in a perfectly reasonable way & he agreed - he later admitted that he didn't think that I ever would check. The other times I've found the porn have genuinely been completely by accident - or at least started that way & then I've had a slight nose around to see what else turns up.

Thank you to everyone else for the advice. It's not actually what I want to hear, but that's why I posted - I love him & I want to make it work for all of us. I think I am just banging my head against a brick wall though.

He's not fought for me at all. He has cried, but not once told me that he loves me, or asked me not to go. He says that he doesn't want to lose us, but that's it. It's all really bizarre.

& to the couple of people who remember my previous posts - it's highly likely that you do remember, yes - I remember you too.

((Springy))
I have patently failed in my fanjo warrior mission - in fact i do not even deserve the title any more - but I'm here now and I'll say this: you have done exactly the right thing so far, and you need to think carefully, away from the 'convenience' of having a person around to help and live with. We none of us really know the people we commit to, we just have to trust, and if we can't do that...you have to ask yourself what's left. xxxxxxx

I still stand by what I said: this man doesn't see women as human beings. This is NOT the same thing as being into BDSM, this is about seeing Springy as a non-sexual, mother figure, domestic appliance to be (to an extent) reverenced but not loved or desired, whereas the 'sluts' (in his perception) in porn are to be fantasized about and wanked over but not respected. I would reckon he sees sex in totally 'commodity' terms ie a woman's 'value' is diminished if she has it, and he is freaked out by the idea that a woman who isn't obviously mad or bad might like sex.
OK I am giving a big analysis of someone I don't know and have never met, but this is something of a classic pattern.

It sounds like he has serious issues about the fact that you were raped (I'm sad this happened to you) but then SGB is usually right...

Springy, all the best. You will figure it out somehow. You sound like a strong lady. Just enjoy your baby, your time with him is all that matters at the moment. For your sanity as well.

IMHO you should leave, and soon. But I wanted to suggest something practical that might help. If you're at university, I would imagine financial considerations might be something of a block to thinking about setting up on your own with a child. However, the upside of being at university is that you should be able to access some serious help for free, including free or very cheap on-campus childcare for single mums. Before you make any decisions, go and talk to your personal tutor and the student welfare office. All universities also have counselling services, and in my experience they are generally excellent. A combination of the above should be able to give you the moral, physical and financial support to leave. For your sake and that of your DS, I really don't think you should put any more into this relationship. There's simply no hope left given the combination of your past traumas and his current issues.

dittany, I suppose there's the part of me that thinks that the rape porn was such a small percentage of what was there that maybe it was just an issue of curiosity rather than desire. I know that it's complete bullshit, but my denial is rather insistent at this point - I don't want to think that I'm married to someone who gets off on something so sick.

Thanks to the advice WRT university, beanlet. I will talk to the necessary people.

God, this is shit.

Something else I remembered after I first posted - last week after the final ultimatum regarding the lying meaning the end - he swore on DS's life that he was telling the truth. I didn't ask him to. He deliberately sought that phrase out as a tool of persuasion, although he knew he was full of crap.

I'm not superstitious, but I find that really out of order.

There are lots of reasons. We've only been married for just over a year. I'm only 21. I don't want to already have a failed marriage under my belt. I love him. I want a happy family with the man I love. I don't really 'believe in' divorce in general - I think that it's different if someone is overtly abusive or unfaithful, etc. But the idea of explaining the reasons of this to people seems nonsensical. They'll think I just gave up too easily. I think maybe I feel that I am giving up too easily.

I know that it's not possible, but I wish it were. I really, really wish that.

Springy, you are not giving up too easily. It;s only giving up too easily if a person is afraid or or relucant to do the hard work that would produce the desired outcome - you have been trying your hardest to no avail. You cannot change this man into someone who thinks that women are people, as complex and contradictory and generally wonderful as people can be. He is not prepared to change. He is not prepared to make any effort to consider how his behaviour affects you. All you will do by struggling on is make yourself utterly miserable and waste your time.
And there is nothing wrong with the concept of a 'starter' marriage: you tried it, it didn;t work, next one will be bigger and better. Really, that's not such a bad thing. Staying with someone who makes you competely miserable IS a bad thing because it does your DS no favours either.

He can still be a father to your child. But if you live apart you can put the rape further behind you. The thoughts of having been raped, and living with a partner who gets off on re-enactments of rapes just BEGGARS belief. How do you bear it?! That is intolerable.

I left my x when my youngest was 14 months and he is fine. Absolutely fine. He goes to his Dad quite happily when he sees him.

Don't worry about appearing to be a failure. It's all in how you broke it, honestly. If you are apologetic for the failure as though it were yours people will take your cue. Walk away with your head held high and say something vague like 'he has no respect for women and I can't bury my head and accept that'.

I made some really bad choices when I was a lot older than you are because I was worried about appearances. I realise now that I was more worried about appearing to be happy than actually BEING happy. I think I was about 32 when I realised that I had been so focussed on the facade rather than the reality. Don't sacrifice your happiness and your second chance (iyl) to some altar of convention and perceived respectability. Be strong, be happy, respect yourself and make no apology for it.

At the moment it's fairly easy. He's not been in touch at all. He's not fighting, so I just have to plod along. I find it strange that he's not fighting, but I suppose I'm grateful for it.

& I know that you're all right. It's not my fault & I deserve better. I deserve to not feel like crap about myself - my self-esteem is perfectly fine apart from when I think about how he perceives me. Then I feel insecure & unattractive. That's not right. I am an attractive woman & it's not fair that my husband, of all people, makes me feel otherwise.

It would have just been better if I'd got it right the first time & not married someone who seems, at best, indifferent to me.

You are so, so young. Please don't waste your life on someone who lies to your face repeatedly.

That's all, really.

Oh hun, my parents spilt up when my Mum was 23 and she had two children, she openly admits my younger sister was the elastaplast baby, looking back she wishes she'd left in the first year of their marriage not fought or tried harder as she wasted 5 years. Don't let that be you.