I am finally admitting that I don't like a lot of DH's traits but don't know what to do- help?

[stoviesfortea]

I will try to keep this brief but basically I have been burying my head in the sand about DH for years now, probably since we have been together (10 years ago now). I plod along and enjoy our life together but it's very much in a 'bubble' and when we / he has to come out of that bubble we end up arguing. He hasn't done anything terrible but all the little things are adding up and starting to really get to me and I feel a bit trapped because we have 2 young DC's now.

Examples of the things I am annoyed at:

-He is very antisocial. He has some old friends that he has had for years and years that he sees pretty infrequently now but we haven't got any mutual friends. I would say I am pretty sociable and I see various friends most weeks but we never go out as a couple with other couples. He doesn't like my family so we never go out / see them, although I see his family all the time with him.

-His antisocial traits come across as him being extremely rude. People talk to him and he will give one word answers until he starts to warm up but that doesn't always happen! So part of the reason for us not socialising with others I think is me being embarrassed about him coming across as so rude. My friends haven't said anything but they often say how weird it is that I have been with DH for 10 years and they barely know him. He is fine with me and when talking to people he knows so part of me thinks he is being plain rude.

-He won't visit my family with me and I have to visit them on my own with the kids, like I was a divorcee. His reason is that he thinks my mum is rude to him (ie she has given up trying to talk to him cos he will barely say two words to her). We had a huge argument today as he said that my parents won't be invited here for Xmas this year as my mum didn't say Merry Xmas to him when they visited this year. What he can't realise though is that HE didn't say Merry Xmas to her either and that she doesn't speak to him now because he never visits / says two words to her! He is OK with my dad but then my dad will sit and talk about anything, unlike my mum. My mum is a bit odd but IMO I think he should be able to put up with her at least a few days a year for my sake?

-I think he is extremely selfish. I have tried to get him to see my point of view, that it is hard for me to keep making up excuses for why he isn't with me when I visit family & friends, that he should be able to put up with it for even one bloody day a year but he is just so stubborn and selfish that he won't do it, not even to make me feel better. He is so black and white, his way or the highway. This makes me feel like he just doesn't care about me or my feelings.

-He is very very short tempered (in voice, never in fists!). Anything that goes wrong he seems to blame me, although he sometimes does realise when he has been out of order and will say so. But most of the time he will be stubborn and a nightmare, it's impossible to have a constructive argument with him as he is always right.

These are all negative things, don't get me wrong there are many good things about him too. He is great with the kids, loves playing with them etc although he is crap with the hands on practical stuff like feeding and nappy changes etc. We do get on well and often have a laugh but the laughs seem to be lessening now and we have been bickering all the time lately. Part of me is worried about our kids growing up with their dad being like this, them wondering why he never goes visiting with us etc. He doesn't particulary like people being in our house either and when my mates come over he usually goes out or goes upstairs, he will say hello but that's it. I want my kids to be able to have lots of playdates, mates over, relatives over, parties at home etc and TBH I feel uncomfortable asking my friends over when DH is in, not sure why though. I just think that they think he is odd and I sit and worry about what they think of him.

As I said I just bury my head in the sand but the same arguments keep coming up, like him not wanting my parents over and him not visiting etc. Nothing is ever resolved when we argue about it, we go in a huff and then just forget about it for another while til it rears its head again.

So I don't know what to do. I'm not even sure what I am asking, maybe this is just a cathartic escape for all my worries. Sometimes I look at other couples, looking all happy and who get on well with other people and their family members and I feel, well quite jealous. Not even sure why because it's not like I want to be out socialising all the time, I think it's just because we NEVER do it that I feel we are weird. Am I just being stupid or do you think I should try and do something to change the situation? The thing is, I don't think I could change any of it as DH is so stubborn and won't see any of the above like I see it (or maybe it's me? Am I seeing it all wrong?). The only other thing would be to leave him but then that's a bit drastic and I wouldn't want to do that to the kids. I think I still love him but the passion isn't there any more and I do feel like a single mum a lot of the time.

Any advice would be great although I'm not sure what Im asking. Thanks for reading anyway.

Not really got any constructive advice but he sounds very similar to my DH who is I believe on the milder end of the autistic spectrum - the aspergers end - is this something thats ever crossed your mind or am I totally of the mark here?

No you're not off the mark at all, I have often thought this. But then given that he has formed and maintained many relationships over the years (both friendships and romantic relationships) surely he has the ability to be fairly 'normal' so to speak? He is fine with mates he knows and his family so I then interpret him being 'off' with others as just plain rude.

Or is that not the case? I know people with ASD like familiarity, routine etc but I just think he could come across better if he just tried.

How do you deal with your DH?

I don't have much helpful advice I'm afraid, but didn't want to read and not post.

I do go through similar patches with my DH, but they generally pass after a few months, particularly if I make an effort to get us doing things that highlight his good points iyswim.

This is usually enough to change things enough for me, but I'm not sure it's realistic (for me at least) to be totally happy with anyone all the time.

Sorry, not to be more help, I don't have many answers here, but I don't think what you're feeling is that uncommon.

Im no expert at all but people with Autistic spectrum disorders can have relationships with people - they tend to be (though not always) with friends they have known for a long time.

Also from what ive seen/read etc people with asperegers can have wildly different levels of difficulties/needs. I found joining a yahoo group called aut partners (i think!) really enlightening as both partners and AS people posted on there and I got email updates so was party to many interesting discussion where I felt "oh my god thats my life" and realised a hell of a lot of AS stuff can be terribly subtle (but no less frustrating or upsetting) it was a real ee opener (and was run by a lady with aspergers so did not turn into an AS bashing forum as these type of things sometimes can)

I did tons of reading around the subject as I was pulling my hair out with the lack of intimacy and lack of empathy and understanding in our relation ship.

Bu then again I may be totally wrong and he may just be being a pig - you wont really know unless you research it for yourself.

What motivated me to research it was just having this nagging feeling SOMETHING was not right somewhere as a lot of it didnt add up to him being simply a knobhead :-)

But as I said - I could be just applying my experience here and be totally wrong

Thanks Pinkmook. I have had a brief look at some ASD websites and he could tick every single box. He is highly intelligent, excels at maths, has anger problems, takes things literally (eg, he went in a huff about his 6 year old nephew making a jokey comment about him), likes his 'bubble' ie routine, although he also likes to be spontaneous so that doesn't fit 100%. He doesn't maintain eye contact a lot, he will butt into converstations cutting the other person short and doesn't even seem to realise....

Hmmmmm, doesn't look good eh? I have joked to him about being Aspergers before and we both had a laugh as we weren't actually taking it seriously, but the more I think about it, it seems to point that way. But I still think he is plain rude a lot of the time but maybe that's cos he can't see others points of view? Oh I don't know now!

I don't know how / if I could say to him though that he was a bit on the ASD scale as he would never agree. He has no insight whatsoever and the other day even said that he doesn't want his kids growing up to be rude and antisocial (!) as he thinks his (aforementioned) nephew is. Oh how I laughed inside...

How is your relationship now Pinkmook?

He sounds pretty much like my FIL who does have *Asperger's Syndrome"

MIL deals with him very well though. She has lots of patience now than she did in their early years of marriage. The turning point was when BIL as a teen (about 15 years ago) pointed out to that FIL was a bit like Mr Bean. Other comments were passed from MIL's side of the family who said that she must felt that living with him was "probably like a spastic" and at its usage.

Anyway, MIL read up on this and had him diagnosed professionally and he was indeed Aspergic.

I'm not sure what other advice I can give you but it made things a lot easier for them when they realised that this may have been the reason for his odd behaviour. They have strategies for coping. For example, MIL does not tell him to shut up if he's talking to himself or making funny noises. MIL also takes a step back if he goes on for a bit. She is very patient with him but if she feels strongly about something that he's done in a social situation she would take him to a side and try to talk it over with him in a calm manner.

DH as a child had to put up with a lot of their rows which they blame their not being able to recognise AS at the time. Once they'd diagnosed FIL for AS, he noticed the difference over the years in the way they were towards each other.

Sorry to harp on a bit. I hope that you and your DH can sort something out. Would he be willing to see someone about the possibility of having AS?

can I just say that Asperger's is NOT 'the milder' end of autism. Asperger's is often regarded as the high achieving form of autism.

From what you say stovies, your DH could tick many of the boxes. The thing about most of the Asperger's people I have known, is that they are intelligent enough to be able to learn some socially acceptable behaviours, including building relationships. But, because it is learnt behaviour, it doesn't come naturally to them and they are always having to make more of an effort to maintain that behaviour, than we could possibly understand.

What you say about not having insight is also typical I am afraid. I don't know how you could broach this with him, and in any case, even if you convinced him that he is Asperger's, that in itself is not going to change him. All I can suggest is that you gently educate him to be mors sociable, in the way that you would an Asperger's child. As you have young DCs, you may be able to educate him by encouraging him to lead by example?

Sorry, it is not an easy path, but I don't think he is deliberately being 'rude', it is that he really doesn't know how to behave!

Must feel very frustrating living with him. My sisters husband is a bit 'odd' also and she has just given up trying to change him. I dont think that you can! Probably best to accept them as they are and do your own thing otherwise it would drive you insane.

I dont think her husband has been in my house more than 5 times (for more than 3 mins) and yet im never away from their house. In the 10years they have been together he has never taken her out for a meal on their own. The only place he will go to his Friar Tucks. lol It cracks her up but she just laughs at him.

I have to say that he is generally never rude to me although can be very grumpy with my mum. (She just ignores him)

Not sure if there is any point labelling your hubby as its not gonna make much difference in the end of the day. Think for your sake that he should try and make more of an effort not to be rude to your mum. Def agree that he is selfish. How would he feel if you did that to his family? Sorry that I dont have any real advice that helps. I just know where your coming from because of my big sis.

I dont think any one fits the description 100% its often ticking 6 or 7 out of 10 main diagnostic criteria or something like that. And its important to remember it is a spectrum disorder so will be people at different levels. I ended up saying to DH about Aspergers during an argument and to my surprise he agreed! It opened up a discussion about the difficulties he has with seemingly normal stuff and the difficulties he has had in the past. I have however seen on aut partners people say the opposite happened as you say and their OH be entrenched in the idea its everyone else at fault not them (which I guess is true to them! ha ha!)

Things are touch wood ok at the moment - dont get me wrong its not been easy to reach this situation - it took about 3 years from me guessing what was going on, researching it, learning strategies to deal with stuff, falling out, crying, nearly splitting up, trying again, explaining ways I wanted him to behave to help our relationship etc etc! To get here.

Buut part of the way Aspergers manifests itself in my DH is that he hates change and the rules of marriage to him mean you never leave - its for good - so he never let me leave haha! But he did start to understand things after repeated explanations/demonstration/arguments it just takes him a long time to effect change so its been (and still is) a slow process but he WANTS to make me happy (as long as it doesnt interfere with his obsession with running and cycling ha!)

Also a member of his family got diagnosed (a child) with autism and I read that autism never occurs in isolation and if you get a diagnosis now it is inevitable there will be others in that family who are also on the spectrum but will not likely have been diagnosed as its only very recently people have received diganosis in the disorder. So that helped me when things got wobbly and when he started to say it was me who was wrong (as he did sometimes). He has never had a formal diagnosis but I would bet m last pound now he is aspergers all be it at the lower end of the spectrum.

I cant reccomend reading around the subject enough to you.

sayithowitis I never said i was an expert

It's good to get some replies and hear that I'm not alone, he definitely does does quite Aspergy (if that's the correct word to use!). Tras, you are right, I don't think I could change him anyway and I think his lack of insight would just lead him to be angry at the mere suggestion that he may have Aspergers. I have always just put up with it so will probably continue to do so but it takes so much effort at times. The situation with my family is just getting worse but my mum also has mild dementia so she does come across as rude at times (cos she doesn't know what she is saying sometimes) but DH interprets this literally and thinks she should know what she is saying! IMO I think he should have some empathy for her but he has none which hurts me. Yes, another box ticked, he is crap at empathy! He will comfort me if I am upset but sometimes doesn't understand why I am upset at something and looks at me all bewildered if I am crying! Oh and he never cries, ever.

I just hope I've not married the wrong person as sometimes I think I can't face a whole lifetime of this but I have 2 children now so can't do anything about it.

you CAN do something about it - you can amke a choice -

• break off on your own(sounds liek you dont want to do this which is fine - but you do always ahve a choice, whether you have dcs or not)

-do nothing and carry on

• do something about seeking support /advice/possible diagnosis, reading books on having ASD husband etc. call the NAS helpline -there are some new books just out written by asperger husband/wives

www.nas.org.uk/ and the alst issue of Communication magazine (NAS magazine - ask them to send you a copy) had series of articles about getting diagnosed as an adult and about adults living with ASD/marrying someone with ASD

• accept that if he wont "try" harder or cannot that is how he is - you need to buld a life with your dcs anyway. however - as an intelligent person - ASd or not - he can think about strategies for dealing with social situations and find ways to deal with them. but he needs to tell you what the issues are and he needs to know being rude is unacceptable - he cannot use it as an excuse...

and what concerns is him suggesting other people are rude to him! "well she didnt say hello to me!" if he can appreciate social niceties (or not) from others towards him - then he clearly does have some understanding... if he really was ASD then i think he wouldnt even notice it from others... OR otoh he requires the routine of hello from other people in certain way to such an extent that he cannot function without the rituals.... but as intelligent man he can be taught to accept that "people are not beng rude if they ...."

even if he not fully diagnosed he hs ASD traits and reading about how others manage might help you think of strategies - and help him too.