Should you tell children about infidelity

[geekdad]

This is in many ways a follow up to a previous post, so please read to get the background: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/877947-We-are-separating-but-I-feel-SO-guilty.

So, we are getting closer to the point at which we can sell up and move on. However, the amicable atmosphere is being soured.

The relationship between my DW and the OM that I talked about in the original post seems very likely to be back on soon (she has said as much). That's not the cause of the problem. I'm truly not jealous - recognise that I have moved on from my DW.

The problem is that while I have told both of our children (11 and 14) about my infidelity, she has not. I thought that this didn't really matter when it looked like the OM might not be around for much longer. But if he is to be in their lives in future (who knows maybe even as step-father), I feel that they have a right to know about the relationship between their mother and this man. Sensitively handled, of course, I'm not in this for point scoring.

The problem is that my DW thinks I am, and feels that I have ulterior motives. That's not the case - I really don't want my children to feel anything other than love for their mother, but we've had the most awful scenes over the last couple of days and we're barely talking to each other now.

My concern is that when I told my daughter about my infidelity with my then GF (who she knows and likes) she felt betrayed that I hadn't told her at the time (actually my ex-GF was unconfortable about her not knowing too). She said she was happy that I wasn't concealing that from her anymore, and was there anything else that I thought she ought to know.

I feel that it should be my DW that tells them, not me, but we cannot agree on this. Can anyone offer any advice? Am I being unreasonable? Might it actually be better for them not to know?

I have the same dilema at the moment (just h's affair - I haven't been unfaithful) but my dc are younger so I not sure telling them would do any good.

In your case, as your dc are a bit older and able to take things in and make their own decisions then I would say that they should be told ALL of the things that lead to the break-up.

I am sure others will disagree but I was always kept in the dark as a child and I think I should have been told alot more about what was going on with my Mum/Stepdad.

Mmm... difficult. I believe in being honest with children, short of gory details of course, but what your DW did isn't really your story to tell. What I'd do in your shoes I couldn't really say, but it seems to me that the right thing is to say they would have to discuss that sort of thing with her. Like, if she's going to get back together with ex-OM, it is up to her to introduce him to the DCs sensitively, not up to you to warn them in advance, tell them the history etc. Only if you find that she's distorting the picture to make you look the bad guy - which from what you say doesn't sound like the sort of thing she'd do, as it would be hurtful to the children - should you step in and, as non-judgementally as possible, correct any misconceptions that relate to you, not to her. Difficult tightrope act.

I agree that your DW should be the one to tell your DC the truth about her relationship with the OM.
My mother wrongly told me, at a fairly young age, about all my dads affairs and for some reason I ended up blaming and resenting HER for it. .
It's only when I actually spoke to my dad about it all that the resentment and issues I was having went away. This is because I could ask HIM questions about it, like why he did it etc and I got the honest answers from him, rather than why mother thought he had done it.
Honesty is important, but it needs to come from the right person.

Thanks for all your replies. I have said all along that there was no way that I was going to tell them. That it was my DW's call.

I guess, I'll just leave it for now. The thing is that I didn't think it was that important, but arguing over it has blown it out of proportion.

I think it's important that she tells them. It is far more damaging to the children to find out accidentally - which in one way or another they will. However, you are between a rock & a hard place.... I think what I would do in your shoes is tell your W that she has until the end of the weekend to tell the children about it or you will, not because you want to 'point score' but because you don't want to lie to them about it any more.

Chipping, I do think it's important, but I completely understand my DW's worry about what the children will think of her, since it was her infidelity that precipitated things unravelling in our marriage (though it certainly wasn't the cause of the separation).

I'm not going to give her a deadline, I'll just see how this plays out for the time being.

ive been in this similar situation (him cheating not me) its a no win situation all round but your kids are old enough to understand and have the right to know not through spite but remember they will as you said will be seeing this man dinner, lunches and days out if they get to find out by accident it will cause alot of animosity im glad i pushed my ex husband to tell mine she hated me (God knows why) for abit and now im the best mum ever kids are not stupid she needs to tell them herself

I think it's in her best interests to tell them sooner rather than later. I found out at Christmas about my father's 30-year-long history of infidelity and it has made me feel like I never knew him at all. We were very close when I was younger and now I feel nothing but contempt for him, for pretending to put his family first all that time when in fact he did nothing of the kind. I also think it was stupid of my mother not to tell us earlier.

What is she getting out of pretending that there is nothing going on? Face-saving? Pointless if she is going to be seeing this man and having him in your DC's lives. Perhaps she wants to introduce him to them as a "new" partner who she didn't know before your split so she can maintain the moral highground, which is disingenuous at best and actually downright hypocritical.

Before I read the op properly, I was going to answer along the lines of "the worst disservice we can do our DC is to let them believe that people get married and live happily ever after" as that is so often not the case and creates false expectations of reality. Fairy stories are just those, unreal, and should probably be replaced with more realistic versions, IMcynicalO.

I understand your temptation, but say nothing for now. they might think 'what's the point getting married? it never works, everybody cheats'.

hold off on the absolute truth for just a few more years if you can.....

There's a difference between believing marriage is happy ever after (which I doubt they now do think) and cynically thinking it's a pointless exercise because it is the NORM to cheat. there's a middle ground.

I think too that you need to explain that your 'version' is just that - we all believe that what we think and feel is the truth but actually do the details really matter?

You could say the truth is only a pov.

There are facts and there are reason for your marriage ending - you have been honest in saying that her infedility was not the only reason your marriage is ending - there was also yours.

I think it is important that you are both open to any questions they will have later when they have had a chance to think about it. And try not to blame each other. Be prepared that they may come to their own conclusions too because of the relationship differences you have.

I was always much closer to my dad and i think he could have done anything and i would have taken his side - just because i dont have a good relationship with my mother. I think my dad could have treated my dreadfully and i would have still blamed my mum - how unfair is that - if my had said anything i would have thought she was trying to twist things her way anyway.

Anyway good luck with it -i think the best thing is if you can show that you both know this to be for the best whatever the circumstances are.