Friend or foe? What ever happens to mutual friends after divorce?

[Mongolia]

Just wondering... I have just been almost blanked off by a person I really appreciate.

I'm sure if she did know the full story, she would not have done that, to either of us. But... still, it hurts.

Do those of you who have been through the same, how did you take it? It feels as if I am letting go of what has been, effectively, my only family for years without a chance to put things straight, and even if i had that chance I doubt I would take it... what's the purpose of slagging each other off in front of people who matters to both of us?

actually, it was not a simple blanking off, I said hello, she just said "I appreciate that you are not working otherwise what would you be doing here?" (erm... comming out from an appointment with the job centre??)

Ex has been telling everyone who wants to hear him that I'm a lazy woman looking for a free meal ticket. The truth is... I lost my job, and my career because the favourite phrase of exh was and continued to be after the split, "I earn more, it is your job that has to give way to mine".

Nice seeing him earning thousands of pounds a week, while DS and I live mainly of JSA. Nice to see him traveling the world while DS and I move around from one friend's house to another one when we can not afford to fix the central heating... But being perceived as trying to take advantage of the person who took with him the lifestyle we have both worked together for, does hurt.

Dunno what to say, but don't want to have you go unanswered. 2 glasses of wine and a massive row with my DH... so not in the best frame of mind to be able to help..

FWIW, better you find out early who your friends are, shame she picked the 'wrong side' as it were...

You know the truth, she's not your friend, ask yourself 'what does her opinion matter'?

You'll find better friends, have faith.

I think you have to just hold your head high and be dignified about it. I moved to the UK for my XH, and when we split after 5 years, most of my 'friends' were not my friends any longer because they were his friends first.

Some were people I really liked, and it hurt, but I've moved on. I had two very good friends I'd made on my own since I'd moved here, and they were very supportive of me.

It has been awkward with our goddaughter and I am embarrassed to say I have just let the relationship go because I think it is best. She won't remember me anyway, and it saves future run-ins with XH. Her mother says hi to me on facebook still but her dad who is childhood friend of XH doesn't speak to me. We're in different cities anyway, so not like they're walking past and blanking me.

Some will drop away, some stay and some sort of fade out over time. It's just the way of things. I honestly don't feel it's worth busting a gut to put your side of the story, but neither would I delete her from my friends list just yet. Life goes on, there's stuff still to happen ... The best approach is to wait and see! It'll come out in the wash, as my Gran used to say.

Sorry you had this put-down, when you're already hurt and angry

it's never an easy one. When I split from ex-fiancé some years ago I was actually the one who "kept" most of the friends, even though some of them were his friends from school, because I was the one who made the effort to stay in touch even when we were together.

However, some people did "take his side" - and some of the commentary I got back showed that his take on things had been very different to mine, hence they had a warped view of the situation. With one person I tried to alter this and it went rather horribly wrong, so I stopped bothering and eventually stopped caring - in the end, if they wanted to believe his crap over what they knew of me, they weren't much in the way of being a friend in the first place, so sod'em.

Only keep friends who value you for who you are - the rest aren't friends.

As Thumbwitch said, "Only keep friends who value you for who you are - the rest aren't friends"

I found this out the hard way during my divorce. My oldest friend pretty much cut me off, she didn't call or text once to see how I was or find out my side of the story. She kept in touch with my ex though and I haven't heard from her since - over four years ago. We'd known each other since we were 12. I was very angry and upset about it for a long while.

I realise now that the dust has settled and i'm very happy with my new life that the friends who stood by me throughout are my real friends and all the others don't really matter.

DOn't let the silly woman get you down. In most cases, when a couple separate, the nice people do their best to stay neutral, simply asking each person not to slag off the XP in front of them and making sure they don't pass on any negative comments from the XP or go on and on about how happy the XP is with his/her new partner or whatever.
The exception to this would be when one partner has clearly behaved much worse than the other eg violence or blatant infidelity that half the friends knew bout before the betrayed partner did, etc.

I agree with what has been said, but also sympathise as it really hurts. Bad enough to be going through what you're going through without other people judging.

I'm actually finding it difficult the other way with friends going out of their way to be evenhanded even though the friendship was mine initally. I do find it difficult as I feel I have to be careful what I say about my ex to someone I would see as my best friend. But I do think it'll all come out it the wash. And I do respect her enormously for trying to maintain a friendship with both of us - all too easy to blame one party and drop the other.

Isn't it said somewhere that you'll only ever have 5 true friends in your life and the rest are aquaintances? I guess situations like this are where you find out the difference.

Thank you, I'm feeling better today, you are right, it is part of the process and only true friends stay put.

I guess I was doubly hurt for the comment, everybody who I met after I moved to this country knows well that I hated not being able to continue with my career, most know that I spent every single day, year after year, begging him to move to a place where we both could work. I have sent hundreds of application letter and as such, got hundreds of rejections, and feel pretty bad about the situation, someway, although I keep trying, and damn, I do try very hard, it seems that I can't manage to get a job. For those who don't require much experience I'm ignored because I'm 'overqualified", for those that are relevant to my qualifications, I'm rejected because I have no recent experience. I have tried everything from changing careers to start my own business, and simply, it doesn't work. This has been going on for more than a decade.

She is though, one of 2 persons who didn't know about how hard I tried and continue to try, obviously we never discussed this with her or her husband because... he was my ex's boss. Telling him how unhappy I was would have jeopardised his career, mostly because I would have done anything to move in order to get a job.

So, I guess under those grounds I have to forget about it, but gosh, it did hurt. Sometimes I feel I'm trapped in a permanent rut and somebody pocking at the wound has not helped.

Thank you all for your kind comments.

So the reason it hurts is because it has touched a very raw nerve. Perhaps try to deal with that, recognise your frustration and anger about the situation you find yourself in.

I think that sense of it not being fair is a difficult one to deal with. But it isn't fair, is it, that, after all your work, you haven't managed to get a job that you want and would enjoy. It isn't easy landing a job after a long break but it can be done (I know, I've managed it).

I hope I'm not teaching you to suck eggs, but you really need to ensure that you get to be interviewed. If you are not being interviewed, you need to look at how you are applying for jobs. I applied for a local part-time admin job for which they had 40 applicants, most of whom were better qualified. I wasn't sure why they interviewed me, to be honest, as on paper I was probably the least qualified person for the job. At the interview I noticed that they'd highlighted a few sentences in my covering letter which illustrated how adaptable I was, which was the over-riding factor for the job.

i know how this feels.

when xh and i split he told people a load of crap and some people believed him. i was really upset about it, and my best friend, who is now my dp, but was only my friend at the time, gave me a piece of advice.

opinions are like arseholes. everyone has one and they're usually full of shit.

I just said there are two sides to every story and if one person wants to beleive one side then thats fine cos I am not going to spill my guts anyway.

Would you want to move back to your 'home' country? Is it likely you could work there? Do you still have friends there?

Appreciate it is a huge thing to even consider when you have dc.

Thank you for your messages.

The people of the Job Centre have been incredible helpful, they have organised meetings with different career advisors, one of them a person who specialises in getting "highly qualified professionals" back to work, I have had a few hrs one-to-one sessions, they have checked my CV, interview techniques, etc, and they are as baffled as I am. They say that it could only be bad luck or that there are a lot of qualified people out of job at the moment. They can't find anything to correct in my applications and interview style, or CVs anymore. I have not being doing that bad, as I'm getting shortlisted (last interview I was in a short list out of 35 applicants, and in the previous one I made it to the shortlist out of 84 applications, so I should be happy for that, but still... I don't have a job).

I left my home country a million years ago, most of the contacts I had back then are now spread all around the world, doing expat positions in areas that had little, or nothing to do, with the jobs we shared at some point. But the main point is... moving abroad may possibly mean, leaving DS behind and that is a position I am NOT willing to consider. It is a long and painful legal battle to convince the courts that it is a good idea to take a child out of the country permanently, when the other parent is still living in it.

OP, so many people asked me if I would be moving back to the U.S. when XH and I split. I didn't have children, so I suppose I could have, but my life is here, and most of my 'grown up' life has been in this country. Even if most of my XH's friends abandoned me, I would still be out of place going back 'home'. The U.S. is a foreign country to me now, so much has changed since I lived there--would be a huge shock to move back I think.

I'm looking for another job at the moment and can sympathise--I am overqualified for the part time work that would allow me to spend more time with DS, but can't seem to get shortlisted for full time stuff that I was sure I was perfect for!

One of the great things to come of a break up / divorce, is that you really do find out who your freinds are.

There are people i thought of as close freinds who werent, people who i thought of as aquaintances who turned out to be real freinds, and new freinds round every corner.After all this, i treasure my freinds, and certainly value them much more than i ever did.

As hurtfull as it is, be glad you know this so that you dont waste any more time on someone who clearly isnt a freind.

I lost all but a handful of my friends from my first marriage and recently found out that he had told everyone that he caught me in bed with another man which was total fiction. 20 years on, it's bugging me tbh as it makes me feel dirty. I really want to tell them all that actually, x was beating me up at every opportunity, abusing me and phoning prostitutes.

I do know that out of the 4 friends that I did keep, 3 are still very firm and good friends. My true friends. You will find the same.

Maybe write down the truth in a letter to all of the 'friends' you've lost and either shred it or burn it. I did this with an ex friend even before I knew what had been said and it made me feel better about that particular relationship and put a line under it. I hope you feel Ok with it soon.

Hi Mongolia, I do sympathise with your job situation. Have you considered asking the job centre to approach those potential employers who short listed you, just how you came across at interview and why they didn't hire you. If you have tried so hard, you are probably doing something wrong repeatedly. If your paperwork is in order, do you present yourself appropriately? You do need to get some honest feedback.

Sorry that should read "Have you considered asking the job centre to approach those potential employers who short listed you TO ASK just how ...

Hi M,

sorry you are feeling sad. I would second what SGB said and try not to take it personal. This woman wasn't a good friend. No one can really ever see into a relationship two people have and it is unjust to take sides. If they are good people they'll find a way of dis but discreetly managing to be friends with both.

It's good that you got encouragement at the job centre. Once you get back into the saddle and find a job you like, you'll also socialize more and will have people around you to make friends or share activities with. It's so good you have your DD with you, cross the bridge when it comes, don't think of a move yet. Make sure you leave for something new, rather than run away when. I don't mean that badly, but I think you ought to stabilize yourself before leaping into the unknown, unknown esp. to your DD.

What BaggyAggy says makes sense, could you find out why you didn't get these jobs so you can work on whatever it is that seems to hold you back. Is it also possible to register with any headhunters or advertise in a newspaper or just approach companies, cold call asking for a certain department (where you'd like to work) and find out who in there accepts CVs. I've done that before and found that your level of engagement makes a difference, especially as you're already putting in the effort with the job centre and going on rounds of interviews anyway.

Good luck!

Hi M

Firstly I wanted to say how sorry I am that this 'friend' of yours has chosen to treat you like this at a time in your life when you need their support, not their silly comments.

I have never been married (and so may not be 'qualified' to comment IYSWIM) but when breaking up with my ex our friends split and some followed his version of events. At the time I felt really let down by those people as I really had worked hard at our relationship and he hadn't at all.. but as GH said earlier in the end i had to face up to the fact that they probably weren't the good friends that I had thought they were. For the record, the people who I knew then and still am friends with also speak to him too which i think not only shows what good and unbiased friends they are, but also is a credit to me that I didn't badmouth my ex.

But the most important thing I wanted to say is in relation to your job search struggle. I was made redundant at the beginning of the year after 10 years continuous employment and i can promise you that it isn't you, it is the market at the moment - there just aren't enough jobs to go around. Hang in there, perhaps consider temping for a while, and have you thought about registering with agencies? I have found that whilst public sector are using direct recruitment, private sector are still using headhunters and agencies.

I really wish you the best of luck with your job hunt, I really feel your pain at the moment. Its such a tough time but hang in there, and hang in there with your REAL friends.. don't let those who have let you down weigh on your mind.

Thanks for your posts.

Y&C, I feel the same, it is no longer home back there, not surprisingly considering I have spent the best part of the last 20 years away of it. There is not much left there anymore. I don't even think I would "fit in" if I were to go back.

"There are people i thought of as close freinds who werent, people who i thought of as aquaintances who turned out to be real freinds, and new freinds round every corner." I can't agree more with that comment. Very true.

Solo, that's a good suggestion, probably it is about time to springclean my friendships or do some serious decluttering.

I have been asking for feedback, and there have been some very good letters coming back but, I think it boils down to the simple thing that I have 3 degrees but no related recent experience, and when I apply for other roles, like admin, they think I would get bored and leave as soon as I find another job. I live in a small city so opportunities in my area of specialism are very scarce, sadly I can't move. So ... well, I'm hanging there until things get better.