Hello I've not posted here before but I've been up since 4am and I don't know what to do really.
My husband basically has been lying about his finances ever since I met him (2002). I've got issues with debt as in I have never been in debt because I'm petrified of it. Things were very tough when I was a kid/teenager and I've always been really careful as an adult.
I knew my boyfriend at the time had had debt issues so told him they had to be cleared before we got married. We saved up to get married obviously, only doing what we physically had the cash for. We then saved the deposit for a house. I asked him repeatedly about his credit cards etc- he said he only kept one for car emergencies etc and that he had no debts apart from a loan that he paid every month.
Turns out he had about £15,000 of debt at the time, and took out a loan for our wedding even though I said this was a big no no and I was paying 50% anyway despite earning a lot less than him. His debts have escalated over the years and he now has around £30,000 of debt. He hides his head in the sand- he said after baby 2 that I did not have to go back to work then complained when I started to work weekends and wasn't around when he was. I found a job because he wasn't giving me enough money for food and I was getting overdrawn.
I found out by accident about the debt as my eldest opened his mail approx a year ago. He said he had about £12,000 of debt. I was upset, but decided to stop moping and got a full time better paid job rather than part time pay for the food job. We have a 2 bed early victorian house that needs work done to it and there was water pouring in the extension in addition to the debt and needing to pay for food, bills etc.
I never wanted to work full time when I had small children (now 3 and just 2)as I wanted them to be happy and secure. My parents have been looking after them during the week. They didn't do a very good job with me or my sister. My mother was alcoholic, my father was violent and I ended up in a adolescent mental hospital. My sister is just not very nice. I think this is due to our upbringing. My mother is not alcoholic any more and my father is no longer violent things have changed. I get on with them now but don't really want my kids to be spending most of their time with them. Some of their time is ok.
I got pregnant again rather miraculously. Practically an immaculate conception. Then I found more mail- I had underestimated the debt...my husband said it was around £24,000 when pushed. He also said that someone had taken out a fraudulent loan in his name after some money disappeared from the joint account. I phoned the bank repeatedly, went into the bank, and in the end wrote to the Guardian money pages in order to get our money back (he kept saying he hadn't taken out a loan and knew what I was doing). Then I opened some mail addressed to him from the bank- the loan statement- in arrears obviously, around £10,000 left to pay.
I was devastated, more that he lied to me repeatedly rather than the figures in question. The debt total I think now is £30,000. It was clear to me that no matter how much I worked things weren't going to get better, and I no longer trust anything my husband says. What else is he lying to me about?
I am missing my kids terribly. I feel like I never see them and as I have trouble with my joints when I am pregnant I need help getting them in/out the bath and cannot walk far so it's always my husband doing the nice things with them. They never want me if they are upset or wake up during the night- it is always daddy now. I'm so tired from lack of sleep that I don't have the energy to do anything at the weekends, and quite often I am so upset at the whole situation that I just spend the entire weekend crying in bed. I know I should get up and do things with the kids but I just end up crying all the time in front of them, which I don't think is good for them. If I'm at work I don't think about the debt/husband situation but at home it's in my face all the time. The house still needs lots done and my wages are needed to pay for this in addition to the normal other stuff wages pay for...the roof needs replaced before water pours in through that too. We've had 2 reliable builders tell us this. I'd like to sell it to pay off debt but we couldn't sell the condition it is in, plus I'm 6 months pregnant now and reluctant to move.
I'm going to be working until nearly my due date and will only get maternity allowance not maternity pay due to changing jobs, which is better than nothing but will make my husband's debt repayment more difficult. I feel like I will have no chance to spend time with the kids and repair our relationship before the new baby is born. I'm worried that my kids will dislike me even more after the baby is born, and as I had PND after my second child was born I am worried about what will happen in this respect.
I don't really have a relationship with my husband at the moment. I am civil to him but feel devastated that he lied repeatedly to me for years and brought me into his financial mess. I don't want him to be at the birth most of the time, and if I could leave him I would. I don't want to upset the kids though and they love him to bits. I think I would be better off without him as if I'm on my own I know where I stand and I don't have to rely on anyone else. I also wouldn't be able to work full time which suits me fine. I'd have to move out of the house due to concerns about it's condition- we couldn't live here without the roof being repaired as it will be disasterous by next winter.
I must add that my husband could have asked for some help from his mother as she is quite well off and always moaning about how badly her investments are doing, and what big cheques she's written for x yz investment. She's not worked for years, is quite young and has just bought a 4 bed house to live in alone. My parents both work and have never been well off. My parents know about the debt, and have very kindly helped us out of a couple of sticky situations before I got my full time job, and have not been repaid. They never go on holidays, and need everything they earn. My dad has heart problems and my mum has physical problems caused by various car accidents over the years (none of which were her fault.) My husband hasn't even told his mother about our situation. She thinks I'm working full time for fun, and that we're going to try and sell the house and rent because we wouldn't be able to get a mortgage because I'm on a temporary contract and pregnant (a lie on my husband's behalf) He said that he doesn't want to worry her, but thinks it is fine to run me into the ground and rely on my (not particularly healthy) parents for free childcare, despite his debt being mainly from before he even met me.
I don't know what to do. I don't know if I'd be able to live somewhere by myself due to the whole having a mortgage on this place situation. I feel like my husband is making me stressed and depressed and need to get away from him. He thinks that things are fine and I should just "get over it" and "move on". He thinks that things will be fine between us, because he feels that I am reliant on him and would not be able to cope by myself. I've said repeatedly that I'd like to leave (with the kids) and live locally so he can see them. He has threatened to use my past mental health problems against me in order to have custody of the kids. I feel like I'm stuck, and being dragged down into a hole. I can't cope with any of it any more and don 't know what I should do now. I can't even phone the council to find out about benefits/housing as they are based in my office and people are likely to know who I am, letters are always lying about on the printer etc. I work in a different department but it's all open plan.
Any suggestions welcome sorry it's a bit of a muddle.