Pleas help me not to give in

[ozirish]

I've given H til the end of March to get himself a job or steady income coming in or else he leaves.

This is the 3rd time our marriage has come to a head and I always get sucked back in by him promising things will change or that his band will be booked 3 times a week. I've listened to his bull now for over a year.

We are in alot of debt through his schemes and plans. Yet he thinks nothing of spending $200 on a night out b/c he is a musician and that's what people expect of him.

I work part time. I went back to work when dd was little as he made me feel so bad for getting pregnant as it was 'all my fault'.I have been basically paying for his single lifestyle. Rent, bills, childcare. I am such a fool. We will be married 7 years on 27 March and I so don't want to be married anymore to him.

Help me not get sucked in again. I am too ashamed to tell friends and family how much I hate him as I have taken him back before. I have no respect for him. I have to be strong to my word but he always talks me around.

God I sound pathetic. I really am normal woman but obviously have seriously low self-esteem to have put up with this crap life for so long.

Please don't give in. The 'all my fault' thing is enough.

You pay for everything already. Practicalities shouldn't be a problem, which is an advantage in comparison to some people's situations.

I know that psychologically it will be just as hard though.

Get legal advice. Make sure you have proof of financial stuff somewhere safe - take copies etc. I don't know what this guy is like but, reading between the lines of your OP, he may not take too kindly to his free ride coming to an end. So make sure you have everything covered before he knows you're about to leave.

Keep posting on here as it's great for support. You didn't get replies straight away because of the time difference I think?

Tell us more about his bad points then (a) it will strengthen your resolve when you re-read it, and (b) people will be clearer what to advise.

You'll be fine when you're single - after all, you'll only have one child to take care of a and pay for then, not two.

Are the debts in your joint names?

Will he actually move out? If he might not, you need to be working out what you're going to do. Is the rental agreement in joint names? If so, you may need to give notice to terminate it and go somewhere else yourself, to get awy from him if he won't go.

Have you got a seperate bank account in your sole name? If not, get one set up. Focus on the practicalities.

Good luck & keep posting

Thanks for your replies. I've told my mum that I've ended it and that I can't live a lie anymore. He doesn't have anywhere to go so we are still in the same house.
Bad points - I really don't know where to start.

Emotionally abusive 'I've ruined his life', he has threatened to 'stone me cold dead', he has slapped me a couple of times, all when he's inebriated so he's managed to apologise and behave like a saint until something else blows up.

He's incredibly angry. When I'm in the car with him I get so stressed. He beeps the horn and shakes his fist at other drivers for stupid reason.

He doesn't do ANYTHING around the house.

He is a self-musician, which for him means drinking at the pub most nights.

He smokes (outside) and I hate it and our daughter has asthma.

He moans and whinges about everything.
He has sleep apnea, high cholesterol but eats rubbish and smokes and drinks

He has 2 sons from 2 ex girlfriends who he never sees b/c the ex gfs 'did him over'.

He had an affair with a 24 girl and lied to my face until I had proof. I did kick him out then but I ended up feeling sorry for him as he had nowhere to go and slept in the car. He promised me the world then and I gave him another chance. Even did counselling. I belived we were meant to be. God I am so naive.

He is from Ireland and I am from Australia and we live in Australia now. He hates it. But b/c I 'got' pregnant I 'put a gun to his head'.

Now he says he has to sell all his gear and head back to ireland. He won't stay in Australia and have a relationship with his daughter, no he will 'go quietly'.

I feel different this time. Like the last few times I wanted out I had a glimmer of hope that things would change. But they didn't, they got worse.

He won't change. I'm done.

are you safe? if he's going to be living there,drinking still and anger aimed at you?

Life is too precious to waste, it really is.

He doesn't make you happy, or even okay. You've given it your best shot, it's time to move on.

Good luck and start smiling

Exactly my life is too short.

I've wasted 7 years waiting on him to change, earn more money, agree to a second child.

But there is no way I want to even stay with this person let alone have another tie to him.

Yes he is in the house still. He has no one in Australia who would take him in and he has no money to rent anywhere.

I'm probably going to have to live in the same house as him until he moves back to Ireland.

It's going to be so hard. At least this weekend I can stay at mum's house but why should I have to get out of the house that I PAY for?

Don't worry one more threat and I am onto the police straight away.

Starting to smile.

Hooray hooray. Beware though that the 'staying in the house until he moves back to Ireland' is quite likely to turn gradually into 'staying there forever'. He will think you'll get over it and things will just jog along - especially with the threat of never seeing his dc.

Can I just briefly express my utter disgust at a man who has two children he doesn't see and who can just decide not to see his third child at the drop of a hat???

No wonder you lost all respect for him. If there is any hint of it being your responsibility for him seeing/not seeing your dc, nip that in the bud asap. He is a grown-up and it is all entirely his decision.

You need deadlines for him moving out imo.

Don't go to your Mums - it will make him think he can just gradually push you out there. He can go to a hostel, homeless shelter - bench in the park, it's warm enough right now.... what he can't do is stay at your house playing mind games. You could always buy him a ticket (cheap at twice the price way to get rid) and sell his stuff when he's gone!

Kick him out. The reason he has nowhere to go is that he doesn't earn any money - and that is his problem not yours.

I hate these feckless 'creative' types - wasters the lot of them.

You will be so much happier without him

Thanks you have all helped immensely. He sent me an email today which was completely normal, didn't discuss our break up it was like nothing had happened.

I came home from work tonight again, house in a state and I said so are we going to talk about the next step?

I then get more yelling and screaming from him, and that I'm not patient enough and things will get better, that it's all my fault.

God help me.

How will I ever get him to leave? He thinks nothing is wrong? How f'd up is he?

You want him to go don't you?? If you do...

Don't ask him if he wants to talk about the next step tell him you are done with being patient, you are over waiting for it to get better, you are not looking to fix it - he is moving out - by the end of the weekend.

Do you have the cash/credit to get him a tkt to Ireland? If you do, offer to get the tkt for him, obviously he needs to give you as much money as he can.

I guess I am scared of him now.

It really is over and I really do want him to go and I have to keep writing and saying this. It's been crap for so long and I've just let it go on too long that I know he'll think I'll let it go again.

People do crazy things when faced with their partner and child leaving / demanding they leave. A guy here in Aus dropped his 4 year old daughter from a bridge while going through a divorce with his wife and the girl died. I am very scared he might do something stupid to himself or to her so my priority is not leaving her in his care.

I just wish he'd man up and F off. The thing is everyone thinks he's a great guy, they have no idea of his ability to make you feel like shit and the shit he is full of.

He's out tonight doing a gig but he'll be back. I've got dd in my bed as for some reason she won't go to bloody sleep tonight. He can stay on the floor.

The priceless thing he did say tonight was that his priority concern was over telling his band mates that he will have to leave because his wife was being a bitch.

Oh FFS - his main concern was having to tell his band mates (the lie) that you are being a bitch.

I'd change the fucking locks and tell him to stay with one of them if they are so fucking important!!!

Honest to god - do you not have any tall, strong, male friends who could come and stay till he takes the next available flight??

You didn't say if you have the means to buy the tkt or not - but if you do, tell him you'll happily buy it for him if he'll leave his gear for you to sell.

Oh you poor thing, what a ghastly situation. So he's hit you in the past. So he'll do it again sometime. I don't know what procedures are in Aus but I'd phone the cops, ask for a domestic violence officer, explain he's hit you several times, you're about to kick him out and you're worried he might hit you again. I'd be interested to know how they respond to that, but would assume that they'll give you protection.

This could go on and on and on and in another 7 years' time you're still in the same situation except your self-esteem will be so low that you'll believe you're the bitch and he's right. You'll be a complete doormat by then, and probably have no one at all to talk to, and even if there is someone you'll be too embarrassed to do so.

One strong push now and it'll all be over.

I really do wish you the best of luck.

How are you doing today Ozirish? It sounds awful for you.

get some hands on support friends/family/DV officers etc and tell him he has to go.

Another one here wishing you all the luck in the world.