New relationship going amazingly, maybe too amazingly, and I'm having odd thoughts about exH

[TheDevilWearsPrimark]

Argh!

I will ramble here, I know it. I can barely work it out in my own head.

I am head over heels in love with an amazing man. but I am being very hesitant, we still haven't got past a kiss and fumble.

I just wonder if it's normal that I keep thinking about exH. I mean in terms of I wonder how it would be if we had stayed together, if his violence/ fuckwitedness was maybe my fault and if I'd been different we would still be together. And how that would be.

And if things go well with my new boy maybe I'll do the same to him?

I can't post anymore now, I'm getting emotional but if any of you can gather my point and can advise I'd appreciate it.

You don't sound like you have quite got through your grief and feelings about your marriage- please tread very carefully when it comes to risking your heart again. Have fun by all means, but don't jump headlong just yet, give yourself a bit of time.

I jumped straight in myself, but I was well on the road to total indifference peppered with occasional loathing.

Thanks lovely.

I am thinking I may call things off with my boy, but what if he won't wait.

He is just so great I would be a fool to lose him but I agree, I'm not ready for it.

maybe I should have realised this two moths ago argh

I'm such a fool.

You don't have to call it off, though, just slow it down a wee bit.

ehm.. well firstly you didn't make your EXH do anything. Irrespective of any shortcomings of yours, his behaviour sounds like it was wholly unacceptable.

So, what went wrong there in terms of him turning out to be a c*nt was not your fault. Can't have been. Maybe you weren't perfect but his reactions are his responsibility.

It is important that you get your head round that so that you are prepared to see your new bloke and his behaviour for what it is, whether he turns out to be great or not.

But what BOF said, you are still processing the end of yur marriage and and grieving for what might have been. It could be the entry of New Bloke into your life that has caused you to reflect on the broken marriage. You will reach the end of that process at some point when you will be ready to embrace a new relationship fully.

Until then you need some space and you need to explain to New Bloke that you need it. Explain its not your Ex you are sad about but the idea of the marriage that you went into for life (presumably)If he is a good bloke he should be able to emapthise with that and the fact that you are not shallow but take these important matters seriously.

Doesn't mean you can't see him - just don't go moving in together! Take things at your own pace.

If he is a good guy he will wait! Maybe not forever but long enough....

I think you sound normal - my marriage ended about 10 weeks ago, I'm still processing it and if I was to get with someone now I would feel like I was cheating almost, it's too soon for me.

I think it's very normal to have regretful times, even if we are not the 'guilty' party. I still get sad.

Could you think of new man as rediscovering you, someone to have a laugh with, take it easy?

It's hard, isn't it.

Ah thanks.
I couldn't play it any cooler to be honest, and he has been very much the gentleman.

He met my best friend and she was literally jumping and squealing in the toilets in the restaurant, she is convinced he is perfect for me.

I should be staying with him this weekend (first night away) but am getting cold feet.

And my stupid head throwing up the exH stuff.

Scorps - hop you re coping okay, it is hard isn't it, even when you know it is for the best.

Its natural to chew it in your mind over and over because it is a really emotional thing.

Do you have good days when you hardly think of him at all ?

Maybe it will ease off and you can then concentrate on having some fun !

i'll be honest - i STILL find myself thinking of my ex-p TEN YEARS after we split up, five years into a very happy marriage and a year after the birth of our daughter... if there is a bloke in my dreams it's always him, never my husband. it really freaked me out for ages, i really don't feel anything for the man in my conscious mind, so the dreaming in particular, made me feel very guilty and weird. but i feel now that he is actually a metaphor for 'lost chances/what might have been' - in that he was my first love and i always imagined my future and family with him. even when this possible future has been totally overrided by the present - and i think we were totally unsuitable as life partners - the fact is i invested so much emotionally in him that he will always represent a chance i didn't take and when he pops into my head i regard him as a symbol of that rather than as the person, if you know what i mean.

Omaoma, I agree, my counsellor says the same about my dreams - my ex is a representation of my loss, he embodies all I hoped and dreamed of for the rest of my life. She also says I invested my emotional happiness in him and have to learn to make my own in other ways. I have met a new man and feel no guilt at all, I want to have some fun, after the last few miserable years. If something comes of it then great but if not, it was never meant to be.

wow partytime, i'm amazed i appear to have come to some kind of professionally-ok'd conclusion! but that thing of having invested lots of emotional energy in somebody is v true Devil - they come to represent a lot more than the 'person' to you and that's why you start thinking maybe you're still in love with them yadayada. it's not the actual person you're really stuck on/longing for - it's like losing a leg and dreaming constantly of running and dancing. doesn't mean you 'love' your leg, just that you have to try and reimagine your life without one

Absolutely, this is how I was feeling but almost 6 months down the line I have reassessed my life and with the help of great mates and the counselling am beginning to get ahead at last. The fact that I am interested in someone else is a massive change, I have been totally devoted to my ex for 25+ years, and could never imagine being with anyone but him. I am still apprehensive but that's because I've forgotten how to date and what the rules are. Just hope it goes well.

I am just going to ramble on here too and hope it helps.

I was with someone for over 2 years. I thought I really loved him and wanted to marry him. He hit me. Can't remember how many times but I did leave him. Time went by and I really missed him. We met up. We sort of gave it another go and for a while it was better than ever. I wanted to give it another go as didn't want any what if's. What if's are not fun. I realised soon it wasn't working and dumped him. No regrets at all. 3 weeks later I met someone. I knew I loved him after 2 months and a friend thought I was mad and how did I know I loved him when we hadn't had sex , by 5 months I knew he loved me, I had never had that feeling with anyone else though didn't realise at the time. 14 years later we are married, solid and have 3 mini Fabs.

Fab - what a lovely story, Devil that shows there is someone out there for all of us, we just need a bit of luck!

...and to take a few chances.

Oh I'm doing ok ta

I think a new man would bring up old emotions, insecurities from being left (for me,I was left), hopes and fears, wondering where it will go.

I think it's normal, I really do. Just enjoy what you do have - you know you're better how you are, and put this mind wondering down to new relationship fears and tell yourself off . Have fun, be you.

Sorry for hijack but Scorps, glad to hear you're doing well. Was going to send you a FB message to see how you were getting on