Really don;t know what to do about DH and his parents

[lisbey]

They haven't spoken to each other for 6 years.

I suspect I get the blame as far as they're concerned, but DH says he just feels life is easier without them (could be pretty toxic).

I spent a lot of years trying to smooth things over when it all went wrong, then one day MIL told me not to bother next time, so I didn't and we are where we are.

Yesterday MIL text DH to tell him FIL has cancer and goes in for op this week.

DH has just responded to say sorry to hear that and hope it goes well.

DH is determined that's the end of his involvement.

I'm just really concerned that if it doesn't go well it will hit DH harder than he thinks.

Sorry to hear that. I think all you can do is support your DH and let him know that you're willing to listen to him, whatever he wants to say and whenever he wants to say it.

You can't fix his family, and if you try to then it may force an unpleasant situation.

If your DH prefers to have no relationship with his parents then that is his choice and right, the issues must be pretty deep for him to cut them out altogether. Perhaps your MIL will thaw out in the dreadful circumstances, but she may never want meaningful contact with him again.

If MIL only phoned yesterday then that isn't very long for the news to sink in for your DH.

I agree with MorrisZapp that all you can do is support your DH. He knows what they are like. Just because his dad is dying doesn't mean that he is suddenly a great guy.

Maybe in a few days or weeks, your DH will contact them to meet up to say a possible last goodbye. However, I agree, maybe he just won't want to and that is up to him.

He won't need you hassling him about it, just your support, even if you have to button your lip.

Good luck with all this I feel for both of you.

As MorrisZapp rightly states you cannot fix this inherent family dysfunction and you should not even try to.

His parents would have acted in the same manner regardless of whom he married, any blame you feel is truly misplaced.

You likely came from a family where this sort of familial dysfunction remained unknown so can understand your attempts to try and fix things. However, dysfunctional families do not play by the "normal" rules governing such behaviour so was not really surposed to read that your previous attempt to do so resulted in your MIL not to bother.
Your MIL sending a text is also telling, texting is non communication really.

Your DH needs your ongoing support, you may also want to read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward. He may want to read "Toxic Parents" written by the same author.

Concentrate primarily on your own family unit now.