Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How would your DH cope if your part-time job paid more than his full-time one?

22 replies

lisbey · 03/03/2010 15:27

And how can I help my DH cope?

When we had DS1, I was a marginally higher earner than him, but we agreed that for all our sanity's sake, it would be better for me to be the primary carer.

As it turned out I worked 2 days a week for 8 years and he really applied himself to his career once he had a family to support. I'm very proud of what he's achieved.

DS2 started school full-time 2 years ago and I've gradually been building up my hours and responsibilities at work. I now have a management position based on 75% of full-time hours. It's going well and I've just been given a fab pay-rise, which means I now earn more than DH.

He's trying manfully to be pleased for me, but he looks a bit like he's been kicked in the stomach. It's not to do with me having more money, all our cash has been "ours" since the day we got married (20 years) but I suspect (maybe subconsciously) he wants/needs to be the main breadwinner.

OP posts:
lilymolly · 03/03/2010 15:29

I dont think my dp would care a less how much I earned.

I think he would cope just fine.

maybe you are being a teeny bit paranoid?

Congrats on your new payrise etc, sounds like you deserve it

rubyslippers · 03/03/2010 15:33

there wouldn't be anything to cope with

DH would be really chuffed for me

are you sure he is ticked off?

sarah293 · 03/03/2010 15:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LaurieFairyCake · 03/03/2010 15:34

I suspect he might want that too - society puts a lot of pressure on men to be exactly that.

Be very pleased for yourself - well done

and let him come to terms with his feelings in his own time.

I think I might feel a bit gutted to apply myself to my career so hard to then watch my partner look like they have it easier (while also being proud of them).

LaurieFairyCake · 03/03/2010 15:35

sorry didn't answer your question

my dh would love it as he could then relax a little

LisaD1 · 03/03/2010 15:35

Mine would be delighted for me/him/our family.

As the others have said, are you sure he's upset?

MaMight · 03/03/2010 15:35

My dh would be absolutely delighted! What's not to like?

TrillianAstra · 03/03/2010 15:38

Possibly a teeny bit jealous - as would I if he worked less hrs and made more money. But in general pleased that the household would have more money.

GetOrfMoiLand · 03/03/2010 15:40

My DH would be over the moon.

Well, I imagine so. We earn pretty much an identical salary so the conversation has never cropped up.

But he does go on about me flying up the career ladder to earn more so he can take early retirement and live the life of a WAG. So don't think he would feel too emasculated.

OmniDroid · 03/03/2010 15:43

To buck the trend so far, my DH would be pretty much as you describe yours, I think.

Once (briefly) I earned more than him, and he really didn't enjoy that very much. He jokes about wanting to be a 'kept man', to go off and write books and walk in the hills all day, but he's not being truthful (and has admitted as much)

But what would I do?

I have no clue.

I think I would downplay my achievement, add an element of 'luck' ('I'm lucky really, the pay is v. good in this sector'), and just bung the vast majority of it into the household accounts. I'd certainly make sure I didn't have more left-over spending money.

That's not good, is it?

But I don't think you're necessarily imagining it, I honestly think my DH would struggle with being proud of me but feeling he had somehow 'failed'. Eek.

Coffeebeanz · 03/03/2010 15:45

Mine would be delighted.

Assuming it was all earned legitimately (he's a bit obsessive about rules and that)

Undercovamutha · 03/03/2010 15:47

I earn nearly as much as my DH, and I only work 50%. DH thinks this is FANTASTIC and would love to be a kept man.

I hope it doesn't make him feel inferior. He has never shown that it does - and seems very happy whenever I get a pay rise.

I, however, wouldn't mind getting paid less and having less responsibility at work tbh!

greensnail · 03/03/2010 15:52

I think my DH would struggle with it too. I've always earnt slightly more than him and he was slightly jeallous. Now I'm working fewer hours than him and still earning more I think he's finding it even harder although he doesn't voice it as he's obviously glad of the money, just wishes it could be him earning it for his family.

To be honest, I don't think there's much you can do to help him cope, its something he just needs to come to terms with himself. I would try not to mention it too much though.

Malificence · 03/03/2010 15:56

Mine would be bloody thrilled!

I work a third of the hours he does but earn 5 times less.
It's "family" money so I don't get why he would feel bad?

notquitenormal · 03/03/2010 15:57

My DP would be chuffed, but he's always earned less than me so it's not something he would have to get used to.

Maybe he feels like success has come a bit easier for you? I had been applying myself full on for several years, and you were still ahead in cash terms while still being part time, I might be a little put out.

I'm mean it doesn't matter at the end of the day, it's not a competition, but sometimes we can't help our more childish emotions.

Ellokitty · 03/03/2010 19:47

I am in the exact same position as you describe. I work 75% and earn a couple of K a year more than my Dh who works full time.

As all the money goes into the family pot, he doesn't care, as it means that he has to put less in and gets more to keep back for himself. Also, I have a much more stressful job, that he wouldn't want to do in a month of Sundays, so he is happy earning less as he wouldn't want the stress, and he benefits from the extra cash too.

damnedchilblains · 03/03/2010 19:55

Mine would happily reduce his hours, I do wonder though if he might resent it privately.

verytellytubby · 03/03/2010 21:15

My DH would be completely and utterly over the bloody moon if I earnt more than him and would probably reduce his long hours!

usualsuspect · 03/03/2010 21:16

My DP would think it was bloody great

rookiemater · 03/03/2010 21:59

I don't think my DH would be altogether happy and I don't think it is an unusual male response.

You have had your well deserved moment of glory, now is the time not to mention it again.

wastwinsetandpearls · 03/03/2010 22:05

Dp would be over the moon. I do earn more than him now, in part because I have a higher paid job but also because he wqrks part time.

Fleecy · 03/03/2010 22:16

When DH and I first got together, I earned more than him and he was fine with it.

I got made redundant after having DD and decided to try my hand at working freelance, part-time. He then earned more than me for the first time and I do think he quite liked being the provider for his new family.

However, after having DS, my work took off in a big way and I earned more in 2 days than he did in a week. He was delighted, quit his job, took a few months off then set up his own business. He now also works part-time - and we wouldn't be able to afford it if my work didn't pay so well. SO he's pretty happy with that!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread