Stalemate, what to do when stressed husband won't admit he's stressed and won't talk to me about it, just grotty and irritable with us all instead...?

[hattyyellow]

Any help gratefully recieved. We are living fairly stressful existence at the moment - three children under five, both self-employed, elderly parents who aren't well etc. Also financial pressures.

DH is so ratty and irritable and down all the time. His world view is very dark. I don't think he is seriously depressed but I think he is mildly do. He is very ratty with me and kids. He is difficult to live with as he won't admit he is stressed or down or ratty.

He will reprimand me for getting slightly impatient with one of the DC after asking them to do something 3 times but doesn't seem to understand the parallel of him getting ratty with them much more quickly.

I try hard to keep my temper but he is so irritable that we end up arguing and whereas I will admit my part of the argument and apologise he won't and it infuriates me.

It makes life seem fairly bleak and depressing as I will come downstairs in the morning in a good mood and he will ask me not to do something or remind me to do something - rather than chatting to me or asking me anything.

There are flashes of the old him but he just seems to spend his time talking about the things he wishes he had done or had done differently or how bleak the world is and how he fears for our daughters as the modern world is so dangerous.

There is no way he would ever see a counsellor. His background is very stiff upper lip - you don't admit feelings or emotions and you don't express weakness - which makes it hard to deal with!

Any advice? Sorry this is a ramble - he just seems to have got to the stage where he is just miserably accepting life - wishing he had more money, more time, more this or more that and not enjoying anything.

We moved to a new area a few years ago and I am building up a good network of female friends but he works alone and seems too tired to go out in the evenings. When he does go out with male friends he is much happier. It's also hard to persuade him to take a break - I will without guilt insist on an hour of from work, kids, housework at the weekend - go for a long walk and feel much better. He insists he doesn't have time but when he does go for a walk he is a changed man.

When I try and raise his moodswings he just throws it back on me as I had an undetected underactive thryoid last year which was making me very depressed and irritable and he found me hard to cope with. However, I did go to the doctor and admitted that I wasn;t much fun to live with and got it sorted out. I feel I'm at stalemate - if anyone is still reading I'd really apprecaite any thoughts or advice - I have no family nearby and even though am making friends we still live in quite a "bubble" of our own so his moods do affect my mood too.

How do you deal with someone who will never admit they are wrong or that they need to sort themselves out?

well you "did go to the doctor ".

he is refusing.

you cannot change his behaviour.

you can only change yours - how you react to this.

see a counsellor yourself for some strategies.

maybe also time for ultmatum.

you go to doctor/counsellor or you take some time out elsewhere.

or simple steps - tell him - you seem better when you walk, why dont you agree to take a walk every day? exercise is good for depression...

thing is if he doesnt end up addresing this it could spiral out of control eg if is clinical depression. or maybe that is just how he is? has he always been negative?

rather than "wishing he had more money, more time, more this or more that " - ask him to pin point exactly what could be done to improve things; and remind him dcs will grow up...some stresses will lessen.

Thanks cestlavie. Problem is that he hates being told what to do. I don't mind making suggestions and him getting cross, he isn't abusive luckily (after having got out of a abusive relationship prior to him I am on the lookout).

Its just the stress of him getting cross and sulking when I give him ultimatums. I wish he would grow up a bit and listen to me. If I told him he had to take a walk every day he would get even rattier. When he is less stressed he is a lot better at taking on suggestions and listening to them.

I could have written that letter Hattyyellow! Could you contact one of his male friends and suggest he rings your dh to arrange a night out? Or invite them over, get a takeaway and some drinks? When you are in a place of despair, in my experience you don't have the emotional reserves to actively seek help. Someone has to do it for you (in your dh's case a bit of subterfuge may work!) Company also helps to lighten the mood - is there a family you could go for a walk with then to the pub for lunch? Hope some of this helps!

Thanks so much Mowgli and Madam. I've tried to get things organised for him and for us as a family as much as possible - we went for lunch with some of his friends and last weekend and although he was really grumpy about going and was ready to leave - he did lighten up a lot in the middle and they were keen to go out for a walk too - so that helped encourage the kids, who do find it a bit cold at the moment!

Will keep on persvering along these lines if you think this will help lift him out of it a little..

Madam, what a lovely thing to do for your DH! I remember my mum doing that for us when we were at school to attempt to get us out of bed, although warm sweet tea and warm bed made me fall asleep again!

We tend to crawl out of bed at some unsightly hour when one of the DC wakes up so not much time for tea in bed sadly - but I will try and think of nice little things to do for him - it's hard to be motivated to be extra nice when he's so grouchy but I will try!

Aw thank you Madam - what a nice person you are! Your DH is lucky to have you.