Opinions on a scenario needed please

[tullytwo]

Not sure if this is in the right topic but couldnt think of a better one so here goes.

I have a scenario that I would appreciate opinions on-it isnt about me but I am too close emotionally to it to be un biased.

A new girl at school in a new country. Pretty naive, lonely and not very confident-just turned 15.

Gets a little crush on a popular older boy and 'think' word gets back to him that she likes him.

So one night at a disco he approaches her by the bathrooms, near a fire exit. Think she had drunk alcohol but was not drunk iykwim. Not sure what was said but they end up outside under a sort of bleachers thing up against a pillar.

They kiss and without any talking he proceeds to have sex with her twice. She was a virgin. Nothing was said and she is horrifed at what is happening but literally cant talk or believe it is happening. Again dont think there is any talking but they go back inside and never speak again. Word gets round as to what occurred but obv the opinion is it was mutual as no one else knows the details and she never tells anyone else.

Hope that all makes sense-dont want to lead you into an opinion so I hope there is enough there for you to form one as to what you feel about what happened-is it just one of those things?

Twice?
Surely she had time to realise what was happening and pull away?If not then he was restraining her! Sounds like rape.
Poor girl

actually yes, I missed the age of consent bit too - in which case it is unlawful if the age if consent is 16 in that country. But I wonder whether it would really be in the girl's best interests to pursue it through the courts?

Hi,

I don't often post. Don't want to comment on the is it rape/is it not rape thing as I don't think I have anything to add. Please bear in mind, this post is based on psychology rather than law.

Just thinking about the girl herself:

1. do her parents know? Can she tell them? Would be helpful for her in the long run if so, and if they can be supportive.

2. Think about the consequences to her if it is taken further, i.e. rape allegation. If she, and her family, are unsure as to whether it was rape (for the reasons OP mentioned, and those in the other posts) she may find it harder to get over if it is taken out of her hands and labelled as rape and the boy is labelled as a rapist. She will think of herself as a "rape victim" and this can have consequences. (disclaimer: I am NOT saying that if people are raped it is better for them not to acknowledge it.)

3. If she, and those around her, feel that it was more of a "he didn't realise that she wasn't consenting, was a virgin, was below age of consent" then perhaps a constructive approach would be for there to be a 'meeting' between herself, the boy and some advocates (family members if they think they can cope with it) and possibly school staff, where the matter is discussed as neutrally as possible, with the girl's feelings at the time and feelings afterwards being explained to the boy.

This would give the boy a chance to reflect on what happened, why it shouldn't have happened, and hopefully apologise to the girl. This will also give her a chance to talk it through and hopefully move her feelings forward, as well as giving her a chance to feel 'in control' of what happened. May also limit the chance of their being negative consequences for her at school.

It sounds a very distressing and unfortunate situation for the girl and those around her. I do hope that things are resolved.

Dont know if this makes a difference but he had condoms with him and where he approached her was just outside the toilets (removed from the disco) so he would have had to known she was there and waited for her iykwim.

I dont believe he thought he was raping her tbh but he was very efficient about it (for want of a better word). It seemed to be all over so quickly.

I appreciate all the comments back-Iam also pleased so many have been supportive of the girl rather than condemning her for being so foolish.

There will be no possibility of reporting etc it was more I wanted to know how she should feel about the situation herself so an outiseders viewpoint is always helpful.

Also believe it or not she didnt realise that people did this-in terms of casual sex. Like I said she was quite naive-only kissed a boy. She had been at an all girls boarding school for previous 3 years and co ed boarding school before that.

Thought that may help explain her foolishness at going outside with him and her feeling of complete uncomprehension at what was hapeening to her.

sorry I meant 2 years not 3 and incomprehension not uncomprehension!

Poor thing.

It might also be worth someone having a proper talk with her now about sex and relationships. Seems like she's only so far experienced the two extremes ("all" and "nothing") and she'd benefit from the chance to talk through what the majority of people's experiences are and to decide what she feels comfortable with in terms of her own relationships....

God, a nice innocent 15 year old girl (yes, they do exist!) no surprise at all that she would freeze like that.

I would have reacted (or not reacted) exactly the same at her age. I know it.

There's nothing unusual in a young girl going outside with a slightly older boy at her school that she fancies.

It would be monstrous to condemn her in any way. She was foolish in a way that is obvious to adults but can't be when you are young and inexperienced.

From what you've said I'm guessing that she was completely out of her depth socially - older, cooler, more sophisticated boy showing her attention and unable to process what was happening.

I also suspect (because I lost my virginity is similar circumstances) that she didn't really know what was going on, so in some ways the question of whether she consented is somewhat moot (and very silly to just decide he must have restrained her ).

i'm with skidoodle on this.

also find the thought she was raped. yet he's not a rapist interesting.

the girl has learned a lesson the hard way though.

whether or not she needs counselling or simply "get on with it" depends on the girls nature/character.

but i do think the suggestion of getting the boy and the girl involved together with some mediation would be beneficial.

the boy could benefit from realising the outcomes of certain actions without being labelled a "rapist" among his community.

it would give the girl a chance to practice she must speak up towards someone taking advantage.