Violent and abusive relationships, why do most women blame themselves?

[ManyMonkeys]

I suppose its not entirely about 'blame' as such, but for me when asked recently if i felt like i did something to deserve the violent attacks (they werent suggesting i 'should' feel this, just asking if i felt this way, as some women do) i was surprised at my response, as despite my anger, upset etc re my ex, i do actually feel like i 'must' have done something to deserve it, or that maybe its just me as a person that he found irritating/annoying etc. Has anyone who's been in this situation seen a counsillor/therapist?? Is it 'normal' to feel to blame???

IME, the abuser pretty much brainwashes you into thinking it's your fault. He tells you over and over with such conviction (and he so clearly believes it himself) that it ends up convincing you.

Yes, part of me thinks that another woman wouldn't have annoyed him so much. She would have been better groomed, better dressed, kept the house nicer, cooked better food, soothed him properly, so he just wouldn't have got angry so quickly.

It's hard, because generally it's a good thing to look at our part in an interaction and take responsibility for what we have done wrong (and it's why Relate won't work with a couple where there is abuse, because this is what they encourage). The saying is that it takes two. But sometimes it really doesn't.

Maybe there's also an element of powerlessness to accepting that it's not about you. It means accepting that you can't control the situation. You're almost irrelevant - he might as well be raging at a cardboard cutout.

I don't know if it is self blame or what but I do believe that women who endure this kind of treatment beieve, on some level, even if subconsciously, that they deserve it.

Even if it is along the lines of "I picked the wrong man so this is my own fault. I brought this on myself".

It comes from low self-esteem.

If they didn't have some nagging corner of their brain telling them they deserved it and aren't likely to find anything better they wouldn't put up with it.

Sometimes though I think a woman will stick with it simply because it is the only life she knows.

i was in a very abusive relationship

have never felt to blame,but i regret staying so long thinking it might change..

not once have i blamed myself

It's often said that abusers don't swing a punch during the first date.

He will study your weak spots and go on and on until you are convinced that yes, you are inadequate in this particular way and he has a legitimate cause for complaint. He will wait until he has his feet under the table (eg. you're pregnant). He'll start slowly, pushing your boundaries. A push. Could have been an accident. No pain involved, so not really abuse. He pokes a finger near your eye. Didn't quite go in, so doesn't count. He throws something at you, but it misses slightly. It creeps up on you and you've lost a sense of what's normal and you know that there's something inadequate about you so you understand his frustration.

The line is crossed in such small ways that you barely notice until he's way, way over it.

nicknametaken - you hit the nail RIGHT on the head - thats exactly what happened to me! He made me and my kids lives a total and complete nightmare. Even made my 9yo feel he was a 'freak' as he used to have some behavioral trouble at school that hes LONG since grown out of, but ex used to call him a freak he got so he believed it

I swear, there's a school for abusers somewhere where they learn all this. A sort of evil twin to Hogwarts.

I agree, i find it so amazing that when ive seen police, womens aid etc they ALL say they can describe him better then i can, they ALL cut from the same mould, i really think there should be a website like a dating one, but this one should be men to avoid at all costs!!

I disagree nicknametaken in that I believe different things cause abusers. My parents had an extremely abusive relationship and too this day my mother will always tell you the day it turned. She claims they used to have petty arguments and fights all the time (petty shoving and pushing on occasion but my dad never dominated or was overly aggressive) then one day they had a bit of a barny and she scratched his face. He went out and his friends teased him about being beat up by a woman, and the rest was history. I think sometimes, some people have a switch and can't turn it off. Even now (he died a while ago) his widow (who he never laid a finger on) says my dad only ever really loved my mum and he always talked about and regretting the way he treated her.

On the other hand, my mom felt like she did bring it on. And blamed herself all the time. "maybe it was my tone of voice" , "he's stressed out", "he has financial difficulties", he's drunk" etc. Always an excuse. Ironically it was when my dad then had an affair, that was the last straw. It amazes me what some women will/will not take.

Manymonkeys they were talking about doing a database at one point, where it would have everyone down who had been charged with domestic violence.

Really!! they should do it! - save LOTS of poor unsuspecting women

Interesting, damnedchilblains. I got a bit carried away talking about my own experience. I accept that it doesn't represent everybody but I do think it's quite common to happen that way.

Absolutely blamed myself, not helped by years of him saying things like 'if you cared more, you would understand how hard it is for me'. Also crappy self-esteem.

I stopped feeling that way the day I left.

Look, this is cultural and it has a massive history. Women were property, slaves, the source of all evil etc. At one point men were legally allowed to beat disobedient wives with sticks as long as the stick was no wider than the husband's thumb.
So after centuries of repeatedly being told that you;re inferior to men, exist only for their benefit, that your life depends on pleasing and obeying a man - is it really any wonder that a lot of abused women feel that it must somehow be their own fault?
It's only slowly and in the past few decades that we have been moving towards real human equality. It will come but it;s a slow progress.

but why do only some women feel like that, sgb ?

why don't I ? why don't you ?

it's not just cultural, it's also a product of individual upbringing, personality, bad luck in picking bad 'uns at a vulnerable time in your life and ohhhh, loads of stuff that is probably very, very complex

gah, if only all women were in a position to walk away and stay away at the first red flag...sadly, MN has certainly taught me it is never as simple as that

I don't mean that because it;s cultural it';s inevitable - as you say there are multiple factors at work here. I would wonder (don't know if anyone has studied this) if there is a higher incidence of self-blaming and/or putting up with abuse among women raised with 'traditional' values? There have certainly been one or two posters on her (naming no names obviously) who have been in appalling situations and it's come out in the course of their postings that they were/are involved with fairly misogynistic religious organisations, or that they had been brought up with 'decent' (patriarchal, anti-sexuality) values.

It's also because some abusers are very good at persuading the victim that it is their fault. Although I don't disagree with the cultural/religious point, I deliberately say "abusers" rather than "men" here - for example look on the Stately Homes thread to see how many totally evil/mentally ill mothers have done the guilt thing to their children, who decades later are still working out those issues.