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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to regain trust in H?

4 replies

Kayzr · 03/03/2010 05:36

I found out that H has sent some rude and suggestive texts to another woman. After trying to get over it I've realised I can't. H is moving out today and we're having a trial separation.

I really want to be able to trust him again but I'm not sure how to go about it. I know that I might not ever trust him again but I want to try.

Please help me.

OP posts:
tortoiseonthehalfshell · 03/03/2010 05:45

Well, it sounds from your other threads that he needs to prove that you can trust him, first. While he's still got his Mum telling him things are okay, and all the other things going on, it's not going to happen.

Sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear. But I think you need to give this one a bit of time. You have threads going all over the place, and - while there's nothing wrong with that per se - I get the impression that you're hoping for a magic answer?

For now, concentrate on the children, on yourself, on your life. Give it time.

BigBadMummy · 03/03/2010 08:20

Kayzr I am sorry that you are going through this.

Trust has to be earned. It is not an automatic right just because you are in a relationship.

So it is going to take time.

And it will need him to do things that demonstrate to you that he can be trusted. He can't "just do nothing". He has to be there when he says he will be, be where he says is, let you see his phone, let you see his emails etc.

He has to actively demonstrate that he can be trusted.

Only you can decide how many times he has to do that, or how long it will take. It is an individual thing.

One thing you must remember though, is that if you take him back and tell him you forgive him/trust him now, then it must be true. You cannot take him back and not believe in what you are saying and still have doubts.

That is not fair on you, or the DCs.

In that respect this is actually more about you than him

mrsboogie · 03/03/2010 10:48

He has to work very very hard to earn it. Is he going to do that? if not then I wouldn't bother wirh him. He will cheat again.

GypsyMoth · 03/03/2010 10:54

in my experience it never comes back....sorry

he can work and work at it,but it will likely be an act to get himself back into the home. if he couldnt do it when you were together and he knew what was at stake,then he wont be staying faithfull now youre apart

i think (from your other threads) that he'll get a 'taste' for being free and single again,and wont put in ANY work to salvage your marriage.

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