What makes someone return to an abusive relationship over and over again?

[floppypoppy]

My sister has just resumed her relationship with her XP, after 5 years apart. He lived with my sis for 3 years, and during that time, he lied constantly, never held a job down for more than a few weeks, gambled his pay away and said he hadn't been paid, stole from my sis and her kids to pawn the goods for money, and was just awful to her, mentally abusive etc etc, even slapped her when they argued.

They have been in contact and he is back staying there overnight.

I am frightened for my sis.

XP is 20yrs her junior, but is very aggressive, charming, mentally abusive, lies about everything, even trivial things. He has told my sis he has won 5 numbers on last weeks lottery, but has no ticket to show for it. This is typical behaviour from him. He lies about everything.

During the 5 years they have been apart, my sis hasn't met anyone she has felt the same about, and her XP has had 2 other serious relationships. One resulted in a child, who the XP doesn't see regularly, or pay for, but whom he tried to gain residency of, and failed, and he was booted out by this girlfriend after stealing from her and her DC too, and apparently treating her just as badly, and the other woman he lived with for a few months, and he did the same thing.

He is now trying to convince my sis that his X g/f, who has his baby, is an unfit mother, and is asking my sis to support him in his fight to reopen the residency application, and he is telling her they can bring up his baby together.

My sis seems totally bowled over by him, and tells me he has changed, even though it was only a few weeks ago he was kicked out of his last g/f's for the same bad behaviour.

My sis keeps saying that his heart always belonged to her, and the other women were just convenient, that he was stuck with them, and they treated him badly, and she believes this, and is asking me why can't I just be happy for her. I want to be happy for her, but I can't believe he has changed.

My sis thinks she is th only woman for this cocklodger, and he is the only man for her.

What are the chances that he has truly changed?

Do men like this just change?

He is unemployed at the moment, and I worry that my sis will end up in debt again, but she assures me it wont happen.

Please reassure me. I am scared for her.

Anyone?

oh god, how awful for you, you must be worrying terribly for her...and you are probably right to do so.

Has he moved back in with her? Try to reassure her that you love her and want the best for her and that you will be as happy as larry if he turns out to have changed.

Tell her it is very unlikely that he has changed but that you will always be there for her.

Can you ask her if she can promise you to take it slowly, not let him move in totally at this stage?

And, in the end, you will probably just have to be there to pick up the pieces.

because he is manipulative and cunning. he will have cinvinced her he has changed. she will be looking through rose tinted glasses. it has been long enough that she has forgotten just how awful it felt when he was horrible to her.

she loved him and has convinced herself she stilldoes. she has some romantic notion that even after all this time he still wants her.

sadly it is not unusual.

just be there when it goes wrong, and in the meantime pray that it doesn't

I think people sometimes just think they love someone and it is actually some kind of weird attachment and passionate "the one" feeling that is more projection than love. If someone has this feeling, they will let the other person get away with anything.

I was with a man for years, ages ago... luckily he wasn't actually abusive but he was a complete twat - but I was so sure I was "in love with him". In the end the scales didn't really fall from my eyes until after we'd split up (after he had an affair and refused to end it but said he wanted to make it work with me ). Until then my heart pounded just to think of him. Despite endless twattish behaviour.

I think you can be snapped out of this state actually and sometimes it just takes one home truth to hit home... so I wouldn't refrain from telling her what you think of him, calmly and matter-of-factly. You can say things like "He's just done XYZ, that is really bad behaviour, you know I think he hasn't changed." And yes say you're there for her.

I fear he has already moved in, he is staying at a friends, sleeping on the floor, but has spent the last 2 nights and days at my sisters, but he always wants to move in within hours, if not days.

She has said she is taking it slowly, but I fear that her XP's friend doesn't really like him, or want to put him up for very long, and XP has told my sis it was only a very fragile temp arrangement.

If he thinks he has his foot in the door at my sis's, he wont think twice about upping sticks and moving in.

My sis says he is staying so she can see he has changed, but I don't think she trusts him.

In the 3 years they were together, he left her at least 7 times for other women, who he then left to be with my sis again.

She would go out to the shops or work,and go home to find he had upped and left again.

Then she falls apart, hates the other woman, and rings him, harrases the other woman, until he says he is going back to her. She will drive to pick him up from wherever he is, sometimes, it's literally the other end of the country.

I am with my sis for being such a fool again.

Am I being too harsh on him?

My sis likes him being around, and yes, he will cook and clean, but it's the bad stuff too, he costs a fortune to keep.

He regularly looks at porn on her PC, and can sit on the PC for hrs.

Last time he left, she found searches for women and dogs, and zootube on her PC.

I am so angry at them both.

Your sister has got issues of her own to put up with this much crap. Somehow she's got the message that 'real love' is an external affliction rather than a choice, that she is nothing without The One and that this appalling man is fated to be The One for her.
All you can do is tell her you will be there for her if she needs you, but try to detach yourself a little.

And you can feel angry - why not? It irritates the tits off me that my sister always chooses complete dickwads to go out with and then gets all sorry for herself that she's not in a long-term relationship. Yes, she's got issues, she's got a problem, she can't help it, whatever - it's still bloody annoying, being expected to listen to the woes of someone who won't do themselves a favour, IMO.

Agree with SGB, you can be there for her if it goes wrong, and you can make it clear he doesn't impress you much - but you don't have to worry about every aspect or involve yourself in all the whys and wherefores.

I feel I have no choice but to detach myself if I am honest, simply because I am so angry, I can't see how I can be helpful or constructive.

My sis or possibly her XP has tried to call me this evening, but I could not bring myself to answer the phone.

My sis is knocking on the door of 50 FFS, and appears to have learnt nothing. He is an immature selfish 28 yr old that is trouble with a capital T.

Why can't she see he is only using her until something else comes along, like every other time.

Why does my sis feel the need to boast about being back with him? Can't she see she is making a complete idiot of herself.

This is grim for you. There does come a point when you have to take a step back from a person who wil not help him/herself and will not learn.

Do you think she'd be opening to reading a book that might help? "Women who love too much" has a good explanation about why these dramatic relationships feel like the "real" thing - all the uncertainty keeps your adrenaline pumping so it's a very intense experience. It doesn't make any explicit mentions of abuse, so it might avoid alienating her.