bit of a crisis about my son's name

[Unlikelyamazonian]

I am having second thoughts about changing ds's surname to my own and could do with some advice.

I am divorced from his father and have reverted to my maiden name. His father has had no contact with ds since he was 6 months old. He is now 2 and a half and knows himself and calls himself by my surname (ie maiden name).

To change his name 'formally' I have to get exh's permission or at least show a court that i have tried (I don't know really where he is or how to contact him anymore)

I could do this but know that I cannot ever change his actual birth certificate.

But my thoughts/worries all of a sudden are, might he be angry with me when he is older for somehow 'changing his identity'?? Should I preserve his original birth name? Double barrel it (ie his father's and my maiden name)to keep the connection?

None of his father's family are in contact, nor are his half sisters who are known by the father's surname.

His father disappeared abroad and pays no maintenance. I still live where we lived when married (quite a small town) and the father's case has recently been in the local paper (he had been lying at the school where he taught)

Any thoughts? I don't know why this is keeping me awake at night but it is. I would need to act fast as ds doesn't know his 'birth' surname to say, at all.

ps I have not acted out of 'vengeance' in calling ds by my surname. I feel that since the father abandoned him so young and none of that side of his family have any contact with ds, he should not have to carry the name.
Plus ds is beautiful, pure, and I feel calling him by his awful father's surname somehow soils him. I could not imagine saying that name out loud - calling him at the school gates etc.

Am I in the wrong?

Sounds like a no-brainer to me. Do you always make things so hard for yourself?

if I were you I would go and start sorting the practicalities out. After the binmen have been, anyway.

It looks as if you have now got rid of this doubt, UA, thank goodness!

In this changing world it's quite usual for the children of a family to have different surnames. Amongst my friends, it seems to be the norm that baby's surnames are changed to match the mother's; those who have ongoing contact with their birth father keep his surname, and babies born to a subsequent marriage get their father's name ... which is again changed back to the mother's, if daddy doesn't stick around.

It looks complicated but it isn't

In the UK you can change your name - and your child's - simply by common use. You don't need a deed poll although, as others have said, it's likely to help with paperwork if you have one.

I imagine it's going to be more straightforward for everybody, if your son shares your surname. Also, if you remarry, you don't have to change your name again you know!

I developed depression two years ago and have been on tablets ever since and now found I have to have four operations and my DR says its all down to the stress I have been under, when am I going to get over it?

Sorry to say, but I'm with Fab on this.

I wouldn't change the name, but if I truly couldn't bear it, and did change it, I would do it officially, ie: deed poll.

UA Maybe it is a thing with violent xps they disappear off to Thailand! Good riddance the further the better if you ask me!

Good luck with this one. You need to do what is best for you and your dc.

xx

When I practised it the law was very clear on this point. In England at one time there were 2 schools of thought regarding children's surnames. Firstly that it was unimportant what the child was called and secondly that the child had a right to his father's surname. Sometimes it was the only thing the child ever got from his father. Courts moved to uphold the second point of view. They were not impressed by convenience or the Mother's wishes or even the father's absence. This gave the child some stability. There were mothers who would change the child's name to her maiden name, then to the surname of her next husband then the next husband. A child could end up with 3 or more surname changes. It is illegal to change the name unilaterally if the Father has parental responsibility. However, there is nothing to stop you using your surname for your child as long as you make it absolutely clear to schools, GP etc what his legal name is. He is then Fred Blogs know as Fred Smith or Fred Blogs-Smith if you prefer. He can then change it himself when he is not a minor. If he has an exotic name he might like to keep it, or he might hate it. He can choose.