my sister was abused, and i need help

[howdoihelp]

Ok, I have namechanged, and this is not about me.

My sister and I have both moved back over the last 6-7 yrs to the area we were brought up in.

She has always had a really low opinion of herself, in that she got involved with alot of men who were maybe older, or just not the right type for her. Classic father figure stuff. I don't really want to go into that part, but our dad just wasn't around, and I have suffered thru this too.

yet, ok. She had a very good female friend at school from about the age of 10, and then went on to spend much time at that friend's home at weekends etc. I am older and moved away from home, and homelife wasn't good with at home for my sister with our mum's new bloke.

I have always known that the father of her friend made some advances towards her. My sister has buried this, altho she did confess to our dad about it, in a drunken phone call, yrs back. This was when she no longerlived in the home area. Our dad was pretty shocked, and also pretty crap at the same time, in not knowing how to handle this. I gather my mum (not with our dad) , who is also rubbish, more or less asked my sister if she had come on to this married, man, who was the father of her best friend. This of course made my sister feel like a complete whore, like she'd asked for it.

my sister's been sturggling with it al, and this evening rang me in tears. She just can't cope with what happened, altho i said she'd done a good and natural thing in sharing it with me, and that it would help her. She told me she is ashamed becuase she willingly performed a sexual act on him, and i had to say, that willing or not he was inthe wrong for taking advantage of a situation. She was 16, he was mid 40's. I said that the fact she had a respect/ and admiration of him did not justify him doing ANYTHING wiht her/to her.

I am very very angry now I know the facts, and the awfulthing for her is that this female friend is also back inthe area and wants to be friends. my poor sister has had to out her off, as this friend has actually also asking, (and why not, she know's nothing about it) for her to come over and visit this man and the mum. Sister really like this friend, but cannot tell her what happened, it would break her. I know my sister was abused, but she is saying it's her fault, and that becuase she was 16 it wasn't illegal.

oh god, i just am so mixed up. does anyone have any wise words to help me help her?
x

i am seeing her tomorrow so I hope I can get some inspiration here.

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Your poor sister - would she go to some sort of counselling? It's really good she can talk to you about it.

hi. She says she went a few yrs ago, but never even got to tell the counsellor what she's told me. She isn't very good at letting things out.

She was so upset tonight. The friend who wants to be mates again is lovely and my sis really would love to be in her life but can't, and it's crap.

Does she have a partner? Other friends?

Did she suffer from abuse when she was younger too do you think? I'm asking because my sister and I were interfered with by a neighbour and she did the same kind of thing as your sister from around her early teens till early twenties...like some sort of reaction to it all.

She's calmed down no, but has been in situations I don't think she would have been otherwise.

Can you ask your sister whether there's more to it?

no she doesn't have a partner. Has been alone most of her life, or had some crappy relationships.

She says that this man took her somewhere, on the pretext of having to check on a neighbours property. She went along, and whislt there he asked her for oral sex which she did. he also, previous to this touched her boobs, one night when she was staying over.
i think she feels upset and angry becuase she knows she shouldn't have done this, or that she should have gone to someone for help at the time, but there was too much confusion inher iyswim. She respected this man, and altho she KNOWS it was wrong, is blaming herslef.

BUT, she has told me that this man did this becuase, when she was 15, another man had had a sexual affair with her. God this all sounds revolting, i can't belive this has really happened to my sister. I found out about her having sex with this 'other' man when she was only 15. I was only 17, and I went straight round to see him to tell him to back the hell off.

My sister begged me not to tell our mother, as things were bad at home.

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Sounds pretty shit - dwelling on it and feeling guilty is just going to drag her down though. How old is she now?

30's

She had the misfortune to get drawn into a seedy situation with a scummy sounding bloke, thats all.

At 16 few of us would always have behaved as we would have liked. There is no reason for her to feel this reflects on her at all.
Its in the past. Gone.

She was almost certainly taken advantage of but seeing this as abuse perhaps makes it harder to deal with?

I think if she would like to have this freindship with his daughter she should. Avoid him but if thats impossible she should hold her head high and treat him in an entirely formal way - as you would a stranger. He is nothing but a sleazy little chancer who does not deserve to still be taking up any of your sisters thoughts.

It's very sad she can't rekindle her friendship with the daughter - but I can see why she wouldn't want to. Does she have a decent circle of friends?

If things don't go right for her in relationships I can really understand why she's getting stuck on things she might see as early mistakes she made (rather than abuse - it clearly WAS an abuse of her trust and their positions, but identifying that can be very confusing and difficult for lots of people who have been in her position).

It sounds like she is getting really depressed about it - if you google 'support for victims of abuse' there are lots of support sites she might find some help from. Would she go to her GP and ask for help?

Is there any way you can help her make friends or occupy herself so that she's not getting completely stuck on thinking about this all the time?

I agree. She needs encouragement to look forward - I did lots of things I regret when I was that age, and shudder looking back but they are gone and can't be changed.

yes, i think this is the (hopefully) start of her coming to terms, as she has only shared this with me tonight.

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This was absolutely not your sister's fault. She was put into a situation that she was unable to deal with. At 16 she was leaving childhood behind but not yet an adult - a very confusing time for some.

It's a start that she has told you. Maybe the fact that she has told you means she is ready for further counselling whereas she wasn't really ready before. I very much understand your anger, I would feel the same if it were my sister, but please try not to show your anger to her. Anger tends to fuel more anger and a listening ear is more beneficial.

Being such a loving, supportive sister will enable her to continue to talk about it and, hopefully, seek further help.

thankyou. I hope to be able to talk to her later, and i will show her what you have said. It's true, that even tho she was 16 so 'legal', it doesn't mean he was ok in doing this, and abusing her trust/feeling for him as an adult she regarded as 'family'.

I agree about the anger, i am trying to channel it into positive thoughts for her to think about.