Lies, stealing, ex g/f's and very saucy letters. WWYD?

[OMGWWYD]

I have name changed and really don't want to out myself, but I am a reg.

I am in a right state here, anxious and feel sick tbh.

I have a kind of pen pal, know him in real life, but we live a long way from each other, too far to pop round on the off chance.

Since I split with XP, letters exchanged between penpal and myself have become more and more steamy.

Penpal and I are both single btw.

Foolishly, I have kept the letters penpal has sent me, all bundled together.

I say foolishly because XP is a mentally and sometimes physically abusive XP. We have a DC together, and while we were still together, on one occasion, I retaliated and hit my XP. It was because of this, and the mark left on XP that he called police, took DC to IL's, court appearance was hastily arranged to decide residency, and during the course of the court proceedings, the court ordered SS to get involved and carry out an extensive report on both of us, because of the DV. (me and XP).

Whilst all of this was going on, I had 2 saucy letters from penpal, and XP, on the pretence of going to use the bathroom, rooted round in my room, found them, read them, put them back, then told SS I was conducting some sort of affair with a man I had never met (not true, although I haven't seen him for some years now and XP has never met him) and XP told SS he was afraid for DC living in a house where strange men knew where I lived and might knock on my door, and upon me opening the front door, might bundle me inside and rape me infront of DC.

I pointed out to SS that if this was indeed true, then surely my XP's concern should be towards any man, and surely men living within the vicinity were more of a threat???

Anyhow, this was all a couple of years ago and XP has 'behaved' for the last year, and as such, I have been more relaxed about him using the bathroom, and stopping for tea and a chat. (I wanted it to be amicable.)

Only this week, XP has stolen a large amount of money from me (£300), which he is denying, and approxiametely 40 very steamy letters from my penpal to me, and I am so worried about what he is going to do now. He is aware that I know the money has gone missing, but I haven't told him I have noticed the letters have gone missing yet.

I should also mention that XP left me and DC in thousands of pounds of debt, and when XP first left, I had no money to pay my mortgage, and my penpal friend sent me enough to pay my mortgage for a couple of months, and has bought the DC things they have needed, eg: beds, shoes, etc, because I was trying to pay the debts that are in my name, but incurred by XP.

During this time, I have been on benefits, and have not had enough to pay the basics, food, bills and the debts, even though I have arranged with the companies I owe money to that I only pay £3 - £5 per week, but there is just so many of them that my money gets swallowed up, and I don't have enough for when DC outgrows shoes etc.

I can't get a crisis loan, because I cannot afford to get any less than I already do.

XP has made himself deliberately unemployed, so as to evade paying any maintenance.

I am now so worried that he is going to present a solicitor with all these steamy letters, to prove I am a harlot, who shouldn't be trusted with DC, and report me to benefits agency too, even though it is my XP who got me into this mess and I am struggling to get out of it, or he is going to circulate these letters, which all have my address and my penpal's address on them, as well as the contents, which is very risque.

Seems my XP knows far too much about me for it to be safe to cut him off and not be friendly to him.

What do I do?

Call the police to report the theft. If he gives the letters to his solicitor then he can hardly deny he took them.

Do not allow him access to your home again! How is he getting in? Stop that for a start!

And contact a solicitor. Having an adult life does not bar you from being a parent! If it did, then no parent would ever have any form of sex life or flirtations, would they?

He only has the power over you that you give to him.

that's very true copper! OP, do that! If he does anything with them, you've got him And make sure he knows it! Tell him oh my, I had a break in, they took some cash and some letters, but it's ok, I reported it to the police, so if the letters turn up they said they would be able to prosecute the thief.

Put the wind up HIM for once!

He only has the letters from the penpal - i.e. nothing you've sent yourself. So if we get to possible public humiliation, you could conceivably just deny that it was a correspondance; the letters could have been unreciprocated, IYSWIM. You never sent anything. Anything that makes reference to things you apparently wrote/said are a figment of the penpal's imagination.

With this in mind, could you speak to your local friendly police officer? Re the money and other "property" going missing? Brazen it out?

Does he actually want custody, or is this just a stick to beat you with? If the latter, don't worry about this looking like you're a poor parent - a) it doesn't, and b) it's all hot air which he won't follow through when it comes to it.

Sorry, should have mentioned too that XP was in a relationship before me with a rather rough unpleasant woman, who wished my DC was born dead or brain damaged, so my DC would not realise what a truly awful mother they had.

This unpleasant woman was very hurt by XP finishing their relationship, even though my relationship with XP started months after their relationship ended, so absolutely no overlap.

XP would keep in contact with this woman though, usually to boast about how happy he was now with me, and lie about having certain things, like a brand new shiny car, that he didnt have. [pathetic emoticon]

This woman also pretended to be married in an attempt to make XP jealous.Oh how I wish I had left them to their games.

Anyhow, this woman developed an unhealthy interest in me, my life, my job and my family etc etc.

I ignored her emails, after the first few, and put a block on my phone, since she was giving me silent calls all night every night.

XP apparently hasn't spoken to her in years, after she suggested to XP while I was pregnant that XP and her could fight for residency of my DC, and bring my DC up together and yesterday, my XP was at mine, when he stole the money, and left his phone laying around and this woman is texting him to ask about me.

I don't want anything to do with her, and I don't want my life to be relayed to her, or any part of it.
I really don't care if he wants to be in contact with her, in fact I am happy to see them back togewther again, but I don't want her to read these letters of mine, and I want them both to leave me and my DC alone.

I have probably done the wrong thing, before I read your messages, but I phoned the hostel that XP is staying in, and he has not arrived there yet. He is supposed to be in by 10 pm, or he loses his place at the hostel.

Now I am even more sure he is with his X g/f', with my letters and my money since he has no friends and his family have disowned him after he stole and lied to them all.

I have tole the staff at the hostel that if he hasn't phoned me by 10pm I will be reporting the theft to the police.

The letters refer to steamy conversations my penpal and I have had late into the night. I mean, don't get me wrong, we talk about many many things, but there is usually a sexy chat too but this is always always when DC is tucked up in bed.

You have a right to a sex life. It is none of your XP's business who you have sex (real or phone or via email) with.
As others have said, report the theft to the police and do not allow this man in your home again.
Have you been in contact with Women's Aid at all? They will be able to give you lots of advice on dealing with an abusive XP who is your child's co-parent (so cannot be cut out of your lives entirely) - remember that while DC has a right to a relationship with the father, the father does NOT have a right to a relationship with you and you can insist he contacts you via a solicitor and handovers etc are done through a third party.

Okay, well first of all, if your XP is doing all this sort of thing and leaving you distressed and panicky, you need to report it as emotional abuse.

If he's trying to blackmail you into custody arrangements you are unhappy with, you need to fight back, and hte best way to do that is to put everything out into the open. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a penpal as you have, and the fact is, if the correspondance is dated (if it isn't, ask your penpal to date the letters from now on) it will prove that it is going on completely separately to your terminated relationship with XP, and therefore has nothing to do with him. For christ's sake, you're an adult, and you're allowed to write some steamy letters if you want to. If he's having to steal them in an attempt to smear your name, he must be desperate.

The theft of your money, frankly, proves that he is not to be trusted, and that he is an abysmal parent figure for your DC. It's a massive swing in your favour. Report it now, and mention that the loss of the money and the letters are connected, and you suspect that due to their adult nature that someone is trying to blakmail you. If he ever dares present the letters, you have him, and his nasty, scheming plot will have backfired.

What he is doing is attempting to manipulate you, long past the point where there should be as little contact between you as possible. It's emotional abuse, which is a form of domestic abuse, and it needs to be flagged up as such if you are ever going to move on with your life and get him to stop.

Also, with regards to your finances, have you considered getting advice from the CAB? I mention it because my parner has recently gone bankrupt, after a lengthy battle with unscrupulous lenders, and through it all, the CAB were there with some excellent help and support. If you are still struggling to make ends meet, they could help you, and positive steps like that can make all the difference to your emotions on a daily level. It would certainly be one less stress preying on your mind.