how long to mend a broken heart - i feel like a teenager!

[PintandChips]

I feel stupid even posting this, but my boyfriend of 6 months broke up with me 3 weeks ago and i don't seem to be getting any better. I am crying all the time. I'm 39 years old for god's sake. It was a very intense relationship and it ended because though he was in love with me too, he couldn't deal with the kid thing (he was only 30).

i got together with him 3 months after breaking up with my son's dad, and i cant' help wondering if the grief i am feeling now is actually more about that, having been delayed... it's so out of proportion.

i am literally finding it hard to hold it together at work, which didn't trouble me when i broke up from my long-term partner and had to move out with my son. i am crying all the time, i have to go out of the office to cry every day and i cry every night.

i don't understand how i can be so fucked up by this one. it was only six months.

i don't know what to do, it doesn't feel like it's getting better.

i know it sounds pathetic, but i really feel like i might need help...

Sounds like you might be right and actually greiving for the loss of both of these relationships.

Go easy on yourself and allow yourself time to greive, but it might help to give yourself a deadline after which you will 'pull yourself together' and not dwell on it and get teary etc any more.

Do you need closure? Do you still have stuff from either relationship? It might help to have a clear out and sort out ready to start your new life fresh.

Your feelings aren't stupid or wrong. You are allowed to feel like this.

If you want to get to the bottom of it, I think you've answered your own question. If you feel as if you need some help and support, then . . .

Go and ask for some help, whether that be the support of friends, family and/or a counsellor.

Good luck - and be very, very kind to yourself. It's a horrible feeling.

What normally brings you comfort/peace? Films? Reading? It's so tiring, feeling miserable, apart from everything else. I know it sounds daft, but when I was going through something very upsetting in my life, 20 minutes of "Neighbours" every day gave me a break from thinking about it!

What triggers your crying?

Agree with wordweaver too, good advice there

I think it probably is a combination of grief for both relationships and it is understandable that you will feel low for a while.

If it makes you feel any better I was in virtually the same situation. Had been with boyf for 18 months. We got together 6 weeks after exDH and I split. We spilt at new year because he couldn't handle the kids and the 'whole package'. It blew my confidence completely.

It took a while to get over, but I did and so will you. I take some time for myself now and am really appreciating it. You probably need to do the same. Time alone is really important to help you move on. I rediscovered old hobbies and met up with friends I hadn't seen enough of. I also now enjoy the time to just veg out when the DCs are with their Dad. I get lonely sometimes but I think this is just because I'm not used to having someone around.

Rest and recoup now - you will feel better soon x

Hi I do sympathise with you here...I have been seperated for nearly a year now from my DH of 13 years and have been seeing someone for a few months. To this day I still get very raw and days where I feel very upset and insecure about life in general. Lately I have had a week where I have felt extremely insecure and that stems from the fact I dont have that security of marriage and as a result has slightly impacted on my current relationship which in turn has made me realise that if we were to split I would be devastated more so than when my DH left so I do understand how you are feeling.

I really recommend a book called Crazy Time which covers this kind of thing in detail. Apparently if you move from one relationship straight into another, the grieving pattern is often delayed, feelings are masked for a while, and it does sound like it's hitting you now.

This is why people who leave for another partner often find it hard to make the second relationship work - they haven't properly resolved issues from their last ones.

The best thing you can do is work through this pain - whatever you do, don't leap into something else for a while. You will get through it, but you're almost having to go back to tackle what was missed before.

i think you are right and are grieving the loss of both relationships, its not just the loss of the person its the loss of the dreams and plans you had.
i think it would be wise to have time alone to re discover yourself, we all change throu relationships and experiences, you may find you need and want different things now.
then look hard at if you NEED a man or just WANT one, the two are very different.
hope you feel less tearful soon.

Pintandchips....I'm getting divorced and have been seeing OM for over a year but he's never made it a proper relationship. We have loads of fun and sex but I don't think he loves me as much as I love him. I've been beating myself up about it...how nobody loves me the way I want them to. But it's so true...nobody can love you until you love yourself.

I say this, because I had a moment of clarity today. A "I'm worth more than this" He wasn't right to give you the love you deserve and nothing you can do can change this. You can't make people love you more. I decided today that I will continue seeing OM but for just fun and sex...nothing wrong with that. I mean if I'm honest I didn't want to marry him anyway. I bet you didn't either. It's just a blow to the ego.

What flicked my switch today was going to watch a movie with girlfriends during the day (decadent I know). I loved the film, came out feeling great and realised that I am not doing enough stuff for myself. Sitting on the computer waiting for him to log in is bloody stupid and depressing. Also took a walk in the sun by myself. Amazing how these simple things can lift your spirits.

Remember, it's not you, it's him. Listen to a fansastic piece of music, pour yourself a glass of wine, watch a movie ... lose yourself in it. And TALK to anyone. Whenever I've been going mad in my head I find that just a chat with a friend about anything can help. It reminds you that there is more to you than the man you're with. GL...I know how it feels when your heart is breaking.

Some excellent words of wisdom already posted. I would agree entirely with the need to confirm your self worth. Further, you are right to consider yourself a "package"- as a good mother knows that her children come first. A worthy man will respect and understand that point. If he loves you enough, your children are part of you and he will love all that is associated with you. Perhaps it was too soon to expect anything other than a casual relationship, especially with someone who is I assume is not a parent themselves. In a short while you will probably look back on this experience as just that..an experience. What you have learnt though is that your heart still has the capacity to love another man,other than ex DH which will be useful when the right man comes along.

OMG thank you all so much for so many great words. I haven't even logged on for a couple of days been feeling so rubbish. Bumped into the bloody ex and it threw us both terribly. I think i was hoping he'd change his mind, but it's clear after this accidental meeting, that even though he loves me and is really missing me and is in pain not having me, he doesn't want the whole package.

I'm going to get that book Crazy Time and see if that helps me. None of the things that usually take my mind off things like reading and films are working because i can't concentrate. I am waking up every day and crying before i'm even out of bed. I'm going to get some help.

I don't know why, but it's good to know i'm not the only one.

Thanks SO much.

It's loss and grief, and a feeling that you aren't good enough. Chuck in a bit of confusion and loneliness too.

it's taken me 5 yrs, since my husband left to actually feel like I might have a future. I think you need to accept it's ok to feel this way, it's a process.