I am so full of other peoples' pain atm I feel like I am going to burst with it

[OrmRenewed]

I have had so much second-hand sorrow recently. I seem to have become an emotional sponge for absorbing unhappiness. Right now the kettle always seems to be on to make a cuppa and I have box of tissues that sits permanently on the dining room table I have some good good friends, none of whom deserve the lightning that has hit them. But all I seem to be able to do is sit and nod and make sympathetic noises and give hugs and try to give reassurance.

And I've had enough of it. Which is selfish I know. But it's bringing me down too. I can feel my depression creeping back in.

How do you maintain the strength to keep saying 'I know, I'm sorry, I want to help'?

I think if it's bringing you down too tbh you need a few days off
Can you be busy and just avoid meeting for a few days while you re-energise?

Don't. It's not selfish to take care of yourself. You are no good to yourself or your family if you are bogged down with other people's problems.

By all means, be there with a cup of tea and listen, but leave out the I want to help bit for a while. Just listen but remove yourself from their problems, iyswim. It's not your job to try to solve them, not at the expense of your own mental health!

Thanks.

I am out of reach most of the time as I;m at work but it's weekends and Mondays when I work from home. I don't want to be unfriendly and I do care. But I can't help anyway.

orm, you do have to think of yourself, in a non selfish way, it's just about keeping yourself aware of how you are doing.
I have dear friends going thru shit atm too, and was feeling such sorrow.
I get depressed too, so know how it feels whenyou start to think you may be going downhill.
I try and concentrate on staying grounded, literally. Focus on my feet beign onthe floor, and take some deep breaths, if I get some time to myself. Just be kind to yourself x

Thankyou pirate.

It just got to me yesterday When you are dealing with your own problems even though they are petty compared to other's problems, it is overwhelming. Last thing I want to do is tell people I care about that I don't care. Because I do. Just need a breather.

And DH's elderly aunt died last night and it seems to gave affected him worse than I would have though. I think it's symbolic more than anything else.

Orm,
I understand and am really sorry you are going through this.
It does get too much and very hard to handle, but usually after it reaches that stage, things start to even off and you may find there is a sudden influx of joy instead...something like that. It can't all be bad for ever.
Sorry to hear about your DH's aunt

Things are all on top of each other here as well, seems like one of those months? Is there any way you could get away for a few days, somewhere quiet and peaceful. I don't know if that would help you.

Alternatively we could swap friends for a few days

It is possible to care and be sympathetic without letting it get to you - you have to realise that yes, it is sad for them what they are going through, but just by being there, that is enough help - you can't feel responsible or that you should be doing something more to help. Everyone goes through shit times of their life and they will be okay, they will come out the other side - you just have to hold onto that.

This sounds a bit "woo-bollocks" but if you have a shower after seeing these friends it will help to keep you grounded. Or take a bath in salt water as salt is good at absorbing negative energy (sorry, I told you it was "woo"!) - it's not going to stop you from caring about your friends but we all have a limit of how much sadness we can absorb - if we have too much or become "full up" we need to offload it somehow so that we can deal with even the small things like our children needing us. If you are prone to depression it may be that you take on more than other people. (I do this too, but have learnt to control it a bit now.) You have been letting your friends offload onto you - which is wonderful - but you need to offload it yourself, which is why the shower/bath/a long walk can help, or talking to someone else, if you can do so without breaking trust.

Orm, you really need to make yourself say NO.
It can be hard especially if you are someone who is always there for your friends and family,but when you have a lot going on in your own life and need strength to deal with your concerns then it is even more important to be able to say no to people.
It is possible to do it without seeming uncaring and you can be more help to others in future if you are at your strongest mentally and physically and you can only become stronger by taking the time to put yourself first. That's not being selfish, that's being sensible because it will benefit everyone in the long run, most importantly yourself.

Bertie, that sounds good...not all that 'woo'
Sometimes there isn't anyone to offload onto. For example I have a seriously ill friend with whom I'd normally share worries...I'd been offloading about that to my mother, but then mum had to go into hospital...and then her mother had a fall...! It's like, where do you put it? Who can you tell, and how much can you take before you kind of go bang?

chocolate and MN is my usual solution.

orm as somebody who has been there for other people recently, with dilemmas that would make people say you have to be kidding if I were to list them, I know where you are coming from.

You need to put a mental mirror.

Imagine that you have a mirror in front of you and that all the negative energy and sorrow is being bounced off you. Not back at the person that is unloading onto you, but just keeping it from reaching you.

You also need to remember and acknowledge that right now, right this second you are emotinoally overdrawn. You cannot keep handing it out and not give yourself a chance to build up your reserves again.

To be able to continue being the fabulous friend you clearly are to so many people you need to take some time for you. Leave the phone downstairs, make a cup of coffee and go and sit on the bed. If only for half an hour, it is half an hour of silence, of you time. Of time that nobody is interrupting.

It is not selfish, it is essential.

Or before long you will be emotionally bankrupt and no use to anybody.

It is hard to say "no", I have found it impossible so I have had to find ways to cope. I look back now at the past six months and I don't know how I have got through it with my sanity in tact. Probably because everyday I find just ten minutes to be by myself, recharging my batteries.

You need to do the same.

Thankyou.

Running helps. It's my reboot time. But have been feeling to ill to run recently - but went last night which did help.

I could be more woo and start talking about crystals... but MN not the place for these things I generally find.

Incidentally my mum does Reiki healing - something like that might help, Reiki, or Shiatsu, or Emotional Freedom Technique or Acupuncture, or any number of other things.

You have to put your own life-jacket on before you help other peoples.

The best thing is a good deep belly laugh - could be a favourite film/tv series/book that you reliably find funny.