How would you react to this?

[smarting]

I've been ill with winter bug stuff more or less constantly since start of january when I went back to work after period of absence.

Friday I was due to have day off with my husband and we were going to have a day out without the kids. We were both looking forward to it.

Friday morning I hadnt been well in the night and so had to go to the doctors. I was feeling sh*te and couldnt really do much so we didnt go out.

I feel bad about this, and said that I was looking fwd to it and I was sorry it wasnt goign to happen. I was genuine and felt bad. He told me not to mention it. He was annoyed and I shouldnt "keep rubbing". Bit later, I've had enough of him stomping about and I ask him turns out he is furious that im ill all the time, didnt do anything to help myself, ruined the day out etc.

I have been ill, a lot. But I am doing everyhting I can to help myself as well as working full time in a demanding job with a shite commute and getting back into work after a break. I know its annoying to cancel nice plans but sometimes it is what it is and you have to make the best of it.

Friday he barely speaks to me. Goes out for the whole afternoon without asking me if I need a thing, the same friday night. Saturday similar, sunday same as friday. Sunday night he goes to have a shower and comes back perky.

I am smarting over all this. Am I being precious or was he a bastard? Its not the first time its happened.

WHen we get on great, its fab but when he is in a mood or doesnt get to do what he wants its the same thing. He sulks and ruins the mood of the whole house.

PS- regular name changer, dont want him to find this.

Your DH is being a arse! why apologise because you are ill for you, i know what i'd tell him too do.

i know your ill.

but perhaps he has a point.

what have you done to resolve it? being ill from january is a long time.

have you been to see the doctor to get to the route of your illness.

also.. when you are ill.... do you mope around, not really do anything. perhaps he was trying to childishly show you that how he was behaving this wkd is how you have behaving since January?

or do you resolve to get on with life and still do the things that need done in everyday life regardless of being ill?

has he been picking up any of slack while you are ill?.. or do you do the bulk while he doesn't do much.

need more info to give a verdict on this

i have a bf who is always ill...me and the 5 dc are never ill so its very,very annoying!!

kind of understand his point....what illness is it? are we talking long term or just a lingering cold/flu type thing?

Hi
Thanks for replies

Illness has been string of minor things none of which really warranted medical help on their own, they have just come on top of one another...Where it was appopriate I had meds from pharmacy. I've been knackered but have kept on going with doing everything, not moped about particularly, tried not to mention iit. Two weeks of coughing have been hard to ignore though. Couldnt take usual syrup meds due to breastfeeding.

I was told reason I've not shaken this last cold/cough/chest infection is that Im so knackered because i have carried on doing everything as usual rather than resting.

Regarding work in the house, he hasnt had to do any more of the usual day to day stuff than before. I still do more than 50% of child preparation stuff.- usual routine.

illnesses have been

normal cold
stomach bug- chucking up variety
another cold-
tonsilitis + high temp
conjunctivitis
another cold much worse than I've had in ages
persistent cough so bad I've ruptured my rib muscles
chest infection

TO give context I've gone back to working at 50-60hr week. Im constantly knackered and trying to adjust to working again.

Also, I am keen to be back working and really want to make it work. I am not looking for an opportunity to slope off home.
I love my job. This is all frustrating as Im never usually ill.

My DH and daughter have been ill on and off since before xmas and I have been left to do all the fetching and carrying plus working full-time and yes it is bloody hard work but it cannot be helped. I see why he is grumpy but I see that you cannot help it either.

Perhaps sit him down and tell him you appreciate the sacrifices he has made because you have been poorly but clearly this is just something that cannot be helped.

If it is just general cough cold etc then the Dr is not going to do any good.

Make him feel a little bit loved for it but make it clear thatr it is not your fault either.

Sounds to me like you are seriously run down and need a chance to rest and recuperate and also need some kind of pick me up.
The first is something that your H should be sorting by taking over in teh hosue a bit more and cutting you some slack so he is being an arse by skiving off at the weekend nad needs to grow up.
The second I think you need to look at with your doctor and check you arent anemic etc and sort out a tonic.

Thanks ladyscratt

Thing is though he hasnt made any sacrifices other than not being able to go out together at the weekends, and thats only been 2 weekends since 4th January. Oh and having to hear me cough. His issue was that he was housebound this weekend.... and on a day off. It doesnt occur to him that he could go out alone....

Firstly yes, your DH was being a complete twat. You need to sit down and spell it out to him - show him the list you wrote here.

Secondly - there has to be something you can do to stop the insane working hours + commute + a DC young enough to be BF. No one can sustain that without a lot of help, which you're not getting. And you will just keep on getting stressed and ill and then stressed because you're ill, and that is No Way To Live.

When you sit down with your DH, can you work out together what practical, positive changes you can both make to improve your quality of life?

Clearly your immune system is in hibernation and your stress levels (physical+emotional must be rocketing). Poor you, I've had a bad runsince January also with early pregnancy and one bad thing on top of the other. My DH is also somebody who can be quite selfish at times and unable to get over his disappointment when things don't pan out exactly as he wants them to. I think it is childish and unreasonable the way he behaves.

My Dh screamed at me to 'get a grip' when I was vomiting and dry heaving with stomach flu last week. Have given him hell for a week over it and he apologized and said he was scared I was losing the baby (His mum once lost a child, but that's by the by.)

I think it is unreasonable how your DH expects you to 'perform' and clean, breastfeed, etc. You're only human, not a machine. However, if you have constantly been ill I think you should speak to your doc about it and rethink your job because it cannot be healthy to tear yourself apart for a few hundred quid. Can you not look for another job? Or try and get a family member to give you an afternoon's rest 2x week?

You cannot carry on like this! It will cost you dearly.

Thanks Ladies.

My job is high demand and it is debatable whether it works with family life. I always knew this and knew it would be a challenge. The culture is to work long hours and generally If I dont put the hours in I dont can achieve enough to perform as required and move up. I am really keen to make sure I dont get penalised for being a mother as well. Im not worried about not being promoted at the moment but Iam worried about being asked to leave if I dont perform. I think stress (whoever said that) is a factor as Im really lacking in confidence as well at the moment... so time away being ill is making things worse really

Unfortunately I cant just ditch or change the job am the main earner at home.

I will try and talk to DH later but only if he is back to normal- no point talking to him when he is in that kind of mood.

I think I should self prescribe a week at the spa!

Kitty- sorry you've been feeling like this too, but congratulations with the pregnancy When are you due?
Commenting while you are being sick is seriously unfair....

Think my DHs problem is that he was very ill as child and was big burden to parents who probably werent nice to him (we dont talk to them now)

Hi smarting, thank you, I am due end of Sept 1 more week to go until the morning sickness is supposed to fade... Yay [wishful thinking].

I am a bit as to you doing almost all in the house, looking after dc, working, cleaning, commuting and then expected to 'entertain' your DH on your free day

I think it's high time you get some support at home or your health will continue to suffer. Is there a chance to have your immediate family help you? Babysitting by nan, a friend doing the food shop for you, your DH batch cooking a meal? As others said, juggling so many balls will zapp you off energy and your Dh needs to assume his responsibilities in the house!

I would tear a strip off mine if he wasn't contributing the the household in SOME way: either financially or with his bare hands. And sorry to say it, but kids are both parents' equal responsibility... Find him things to do with the baby: bath time, giving the bottle (pumped BM if you can), getting up at night. If you are the main earner he can bloody well do more at home. Or tell him to get a better paid job and stop behaving like an immature git!

There...really angry on your behalf now.

Wow end of september is a lovely time for a baby

I think I might have misled the thread somewhere about DH's contribution at home he is pretty good.

He does the morning nursery runs, we have cleaner so we share the tidying up to be done before that, he does at least 50% of the coooking if not more. He does all the DIY stuff, takes time with DD. What I meant is that of the daily stuff to prepare DD for her day, i do more of it (packing her bag, and clothes, and the general thinking what she needs etc) possibly because Im there to do it as Im home earlier after collecting DD.

He likes us to spend time together at the weekend or we'd never see each other- as I do too. To be fair, we usually have a lovely time. Its just that sometimes it doesnt work out and thats when it goes wrong.

I am very careful to pre-arrange all our weekend time so that our expectations are the same come saturday mornings. Im careful to avoid him getting disappointed regarding any "wasted time" incurred because we've got up late and then DD needs a sleep or a meal or something which means we cant just drop everything and go....

I do wonder in all seriousness about him having aspergers traits....