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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I want to leave him but scared

19 replies

NameChangeSoz · 01/03/2010 12:17

First of all, I apologise for the name change. DP knows my screen name from the times he's stood over me whilst I type. I AM a regular.

I want to leave. DP is boring, controlling, ignorent and selfish. He does have his good point however and I'm scared to leave because I wonder if I'm making a mistake.

My children are not happy. They keep asking if we can move out and go back to the way we used to be when it was just us. I long for the days when I could just come home, leave the dishes until whenever, let the kids eat whatever I wanted them to eat without fear of being shouted at by him, go where I want, stay up until whatever time I want. I just want to be my own boss again and I know the kids would be happier that way too. Here its walking on eggshells constantly.

I know DP is not the man for me. I want to be with someone fun, someone I can talk to, someone I can respect (i.e. someone who isn't afraid of his own shadow). Someone who respects me (for instance doesn't only hug me when he wants a shag).

But a pathetic part of me thinks of those long nights on my own again and I back out.

Has anyone been where I am? I just feel so confused. It's like I know what I need to do but I'm terrified of doing it.

OP posts:

heQet · 01/03/2010 12:19

Listen to your children. They are telling you they are unhappy. You owe it to them to change that, as much as you owe it to yourself to change it.

Ladyscratt · 01/03/2010 12:28

Hey chick, just think in years to come the painful regret that you never made that break.

This will be the best thing you did for yourself and your kids, trust me.

Life is too short to be miserable, don't think of it as sitting at home alone, think of it as an opportunity to paint your nails or re-vamp your wardrobe or loose some weight (if you need to) do things for you. Without some miserable angry useless bully putting you down.

Take yous kids away on holiday have some fun. One day we will all be old farts and life is too short to spend it being unhappy.

Original poster

NameChangeSoz · 01/03/2010 12:37

I do agree with you both. When I read my post back even I can see that the obvious answer is "LEAVE" but it's so difficult. I have already saved up part of a months rent/deposit but as I'm not working I have to find somewhere that accepts LHA. I have contacted a few landlords, some will, some won't but if they do they always want a guarantor which I don't have.

I'm sick of making a mess of my life. Everything I do turns out like this. I know I'm feeling sorry for myself a little but I'm just so fed up. I feel trapped here and he knows it. He's a coward. Some kids were chucking stuff at the window one night and he hid behind the curtain ffing and blinding but not prepared to do anything. If his ex wife phones, she says jump and he says "how high" because he's scared to death of her. Yet behind the wheel of the car he'll hurl insults at people, shout and swear ... same as with me. He'll shout and scream at me but put him up against a bloke his own size he shits himself.

He shows me up all the time. He's so ignorent. In shops he will start a conversation with someone and then suddenly talk over them demanding what he wants. Same as with me.

I just want to be by myself again. I suppose I'm upset because after last night, after ANOTHER argument I realised this REALLY isn't working out and it really is over. Another royal f* up by me. The poor kids are going to hate me when they're older.

OP posts:

heQet · 01/03/2010 12:41

Are you afraid of him? Do you think that if you tried to leave or asked him to leave that you would be at risk? (I know you said he's a coward with other people - but is he aggressive to you?) If so, you could go to a refuge and from a refuge you could be housed by the council / ha or helped to find private rented.

Or could you ask him to leave? If the current house is in both your names?

Ladyscratt · 01/03/2010 12:42

Hey chick, don't do this to yourself. This is not your fault. Try to find some strength and start making it right, hard as it is.

Easy for me to say not being you but I can see what you can achieve if you really want to.

Please don't beat yourself up so badly, sounds like has knocked all your stuffing out.

That is what weak men are good at. This is sooo not your fault and you kids will not hate you, particulary if you get them out of what is a bad situation now.

cestlavielife · 01/03/2010 12:42

regardless of his "good points" (you havent listed any???)

your children are unhappy.

surely that is what counts here .

they will blame you for an unhappy childhood if you stay with this man

Original poster

NameChangeSoz · 01/03/2010 12:45

The house is his. I'm not afraid of him as such but he does become aggressive if things don't go his way. I know if he got wind of me planning to move out he'd make my life hell in subtle ways.

I have no intentions of staying. I just don't know what to do next. I don't have enough money saved up yet for a deposit on anywhere and I can't get a guarantor. I have no chance with the council either.

OP posts:

heQet · 01/03/2010 12:49

How do you know you have no chance with the council?

Talk to womens aid. If you are trying to leave an unhappy relationship and foresee problems, they may be able to help you.

Ladyscratt · 01/03/2010 12:51

Give social services a call or WA and get some advice fast. There is no reason for you to suffer this alone. You should be able to get help if you have childrens and are not earning much.

Don't make exscuses and do it now.

If you don't do it now you never will.

skihorse · 01/03/2010 12:52

Controlling, selfish, ignorant and stands over you whilst you type? Your children are unhappy?

Which bit of that makes you think you're making a mistake.

Seriously - you'd spend the rest of your life like that for equity in a house?

Ladyscratt · 01/03/2010 12:54

Skihorse did she say that she was after the equity

aSilverLining · 01/03/2010 12:54

Keep going. Keep saving a little money towards your rent. Keep looking for houses. Does your local council's housing department ave a list of accredited private landlords and housing associations?

Mine did and I emailed every single one. I found a nice hous eventually with a nice landlord, paid no deposit, had no guarantor - and a friend from my son's school wrote me a lovely character reference. I almost gave up so many times. The landlords and houses that are no goes are that way for a reason. Looking back the perseverance was soo worth it!

Keep reminding yourself of what your dcs have asked of you, and keep going.

Also those evenings on your own will be no worse than your evenings now. You will appreciate all the good things in your single life and think to yourself 'why didn't I do this sooner?'

You can do it.

heQet · 01/03/2010 12:55

Where on earth did she say anything about equity?

She gave her reason for hesitating as loneliness.

thehillsarealive · 01/03/2010 12:57

do you have any friends - good, safe friends who could help you out?

Surely someone has noticed that you are not happy. I do feel for you namechange and have sometimes wondered what i would do if it all went tits up...

Ladyscratt · 01/03/2010 12:58

I never saw anything about equity

skihorse · 01/03/2010 13:08

I wasn't referring specifically to equity - but she does talk about the house being in his name which is (imo) a daft reason for staying.

Loneliness is not a good enough reason either...

I'm not seeing any reason to stay.

kinnies · 01/03/2010 13:09

I think I recognise you (not in RL)

He is a prize tool and if you are who I think you are, then you have got too much to lose if you stay in a bad relationship.

WA will help you even if he hasnt hit you and you can deal with SS as long as you can show that Dc are your no1 concern.

The longer you stay, the harder it is to go.

Good luck

aSilverLining · 01/03/2010 14:26

I believe OP was stating house was i his name in response to Heqet's question asking if she could possibly ask him to leave.

You are doing the right thing, you just need to keep going and eventually you will be moved out, and you and the dcs will be much happier.

mrsboogie · 01/03/2010 14:38

You say that everything you do turns out wrong. Do you mean with men or just generally?

If it is mostly in regards to men you need to work on your self-esteem. Low self-esteem is the cause of 99% of womens' mistakes with men I am convinced of it. So I ask you to think about why you moved in with this guy in the first place? Why you gave up your independence to move in with a guy you either didn't know very well or suspected was not right for you. You did know back then didn't you? You didn't listen to your instincts. On some level you don't believe that you deserve better than him. That is what you need to work on so that you don't get into this situation again.

Being alone is far far better than being with the wrong person. Especially if that person is a knobhead like yours is.

There is nothng wrong with being single. Lots of us feel that we aren't happy unless we are with a man. You must learn to make yourself happy and rely on yourself. Then you will find the right man.

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