Family friend overly tactile with me - with his wife present. Do I say something?

[Rumbled]

My mum, DS and I had a get-together with family friends on the weekend. We've known this couple, and their teenage son, for years and my relationships with all of them (usually) feel easy.

However, when we were together on Saturday, as the evening progressed and more wine flowed, I sensed more and more that the dad/husband was being overly tactile with me: passing me in the kitchen and putting his hands around my waist as he did so; talking to me with his hands around my waist; standing behind me while I sat down, with his hands on my shoulders and back, and sort of stroking and squeezing me. I felt uncomfortable - it seemed just too tactile; inappropriately so.

I didn't know what to do, other than try to avoid getting too close, since his wife was there too, and three of her pre-teen nieces. I didn't want to draw attention to what I sensed was going on, but felt awkward, and worried that his wife (a good friend) was picking up on what he was doing. Argh!

I've helped them out with their teenage son lately, who's been going through a rough patch, and I know the dad's very grateful for this and has been more than a bit gushing with gratitude. But even so ...

I've been wondering if I should say something to him - or maybe even to her. My mum says to leave it, but now - where I've felt so at ease with this family before - I'm anxious about the next get-together, and I want to be able to just enjoy their friendship, care-free, like before.

Shall I do/say something, or let it go? Thanks.

I'd leave it for now but be verbal about it if he did similar again.

Having said that, I'd have been verbal (probably in a humorous but 'I mean it' way) as soon as he'd done it more than once that evening.

Pulling him up 'in the moment' leaves him no room to deny and puts him on the back foot.

In the hope that this was a one off and he doesn't repeat the same behaviour again, try not to allow it to damage your relationships with the rest of the family but maybe be a little more cool with him than usual, to make clear you aren't interested. It shouldn't have to be obvious to others to be enough to kill any vibe he's choosing to feel from you, with any luck.

Good advice ecomouse.

I'd say "Back off buddy" with a smile on my face but steel glinting in my eyes.

Cheeky middle-aged chap getting all over excited by your helpfulness. No need to make a big drama out of it but make sure he knows groping in the kitchen is not on.

Thanks, EcoMouse and ClaudiaSchiffer. Good point about it being better to deal with it in the moment. I hope my not dealing with it in the moment hasn't given him any ideas. On the night, with a packed house and kids (and his wife!) right under my nose, I just felt I couldn't; or rather, I didn't know what to do. Does that make sense?

Relationships with the rest of the family are fine, thankfully. I sent a text to all of them to say thanks for a lovely evening (which it was, apart from the touchy feely bit), and his wife replied perfectly fine and chatty (wasn't she bothered?). I will play it a bit cooler with him for a while, and if anything else like this happens again, say something.

It makes perfect sense creeping lechery can be more difficult to gauge and address than an obvious come on.

IME self confidence has some bearing on this too. Be aware that you are an attractive and available (purely due to being single, in many mens eyes - twisted logic!) woman and this will happen. Feel comfortable about defining your boundaries whatever the scenario.

(Apologies if you aren't single, you make no mention of a DP/H so I assume - and to some men this wont matter anyway).

His DW may have been oblivious, may have been embarrassed! Who knows. If she was aware of it, it might be that she's chosen to let it go or to view it as an issue between her and her DH rather than her and you, particularly given you were obviously not responsive to his subtle advances.

I've had similar things happen once or twice. I've found the best way is simply to keep a physical distance the next few times - normally the man gets the message. Especially if he's just misguided rather than being actually inappropriate. Move out of the way if he starts to touch you, don't let his greeting be too effusive etc. Unless he's being really objectionable, I don't think it's worth saying anything in a situation like this where you've known the family for a long time.

I'd pull away next time he does it. Just as effective as words.

EcoMouse, yes, creeping lechery - that'll be it! It was somewhere between the usual hugs and affection between old friends and a full-on grope, so I found myself wondering if it was me just imagining that his behaviour wasn't OK. But the crux of it is that I felt uncomfortable, several times, and that gut feeling needs to be registered.

I am single, yes, and I suppose not unattractive; I think other people (men) can be more aware of this than I am, bimbling along doing my own thing and not particularly "looking", so maybe it catches me out sometimes. This "availability" combined with my recent help with their son seems to have set something off. He's been telling me I'm an amazing person with a massive heart, etc. Well, thanks and all, but it doesn't feel quite right and is pretty OTT.

Thanks, BlingLoving. It is awkward when you've known someone and their family a long time, isn't it? I'm fond of all of them and don't want to rock the boat - but don't want to feel like that again either. I'll go for keeping my distance next time.

Best not to say anything, and I am sure he will deny it and blow it all out of proportion.

Trouble is, wine, evil stuff I have told my bosses boyfriend I love him infront of my husband before now when completely bladdered oohhh the shame, he is not even good looking. Ahem, I am sure it was just tipsyness and gratitude.

Not worth upsetting the applecart for.

Agree with EcoMouse - great advice. Tricky situation though, especially as you're the single one and women can turn on you even though you're the innocent in the scenario. Seen it happen so be careful!

AND be prepared to pull away as OP suggested... although having said that some men just find that a turn-on...

Don't say anything now, it would be your word against his, but if he gets close again, start with a humorous comment along the lines of "is this kitchen not big enough" and if he doesn't get the hint, just pull away with an "excuse me". Hopefully he won't want to make a fuss, but if anyone does clock on to what's happening it's quite clear you don't want it. Do try to avoid being in a room alone with the lech if poss - particularly as you are single, his leching could end up with you being unfairly blamed if someone walks in on you and his hands are wandering.

I would pull away/remove his hands.

Don´t know if it´s just me, but I find hands round waist quite intimate.

If I let someone do that it would mean I fancied them

what eco said

OP, you have instincts for a reason, they are very rarely mistaken

when someone is telling you what they are like...listen

Ha ha I know this family - he's like that with everyone, don't worry!
Seriously, I know a family just like that and the dad always cops a feel when he gets the chance. I've no idea what is in it for him, as I've got about as much intention of having sex with him as of flying to the moon and never give an ounce of encouragement.

I just give thanks that dh isn't a lechy pissed groper and try and keep a table or a kid between Mr Creep and me when we are round there.

I wouldn't take it at all seriously, just keep your distance. It happens all the time. Note to male gropers: You Are Pathetic. Give up now while you still have some pride.