Help - does anyone else experience severe jealousy problems?

[dinosaurus]

Please help. I have been with my husband for 15 years and he is a fantastic, loving, gorgeous man. Ok, noone's perfect, but he comes pretty close, always supporting me and loving me through the ups and downs of life. However, I seem to go through periods of major doubt about our relationship. His behaviour and love towards me doesn't change - its not connected to any change in how he is. I, however, seem to get insanely jealous over a particular woman, almost fixated that he finds her more attractive/enjoys her company etc more than me. Don't get me wrong - its not as though he/we meet masses of women (!), it might just be someone who we chat to in our local or someone he works with that he's innocently metioned a couple of times.

Usually, I give myself a good talking to before I get too het up. I've got a busy job and my own 'life', so, quite frankly I don't often have the time to fret about such things. But, every so often (like at the moment) I become completely irrational. This time it started from the fact that a woman whom he works with sent a card to wish us (my name and our daughter and son were on it, as well as my husband) congratulations when we moved house a few weeks ago. This woman is not someone he physically works with, but a secretary who is based at his work's head office, and, because he deals with certain administrative things in his job is the person he talks to/emails about work related matters on a regular basis. When we recieved the card I asked who 'x' is and he explained that he talked to her about the house move because shes the person who deals with all that. Since then, we occasionally get mail from her to our house that he has to deal with and, there's always an attached compliment slip with something like "Hi mate, here's x to do, from x" and so on.

For some reason over the last couple of weeks the 'mate' thing has stewed in my mind, and I asked him outright about her. As usual, he was extremely patient and loving and explained that they have reguarly email and phone each other (as part of the job) and that he's just friendly to her and she's friendly to him. I know rationally that this is normal - I have male friends and my husband is a friendly bloke with men and women alike. However, he always emphasises the fact that hes married and insists on wearing a wedding ring. The fact that the house moving card was addressed personally to all of us in the family 'proves' I know, that during his 'friendly' phone calls, he obviously talks about being married and having children. I know rationally all this, but, for some reason, I just can't get doubt out of my mind. This is absolutely no reason why I should suspect anything - apart from this issue, we have a fantastic relationship but how do I convince myself not to worry? He even offered to pass the work he does when he deals with her to someone else if that would stop me worrying. But, I wouldn't expect that because I know thats not the way to deal with it. I'm not an overly confident person and know I should value myself more highly. I've got a good job, am well educated and although I'm no supermodel, feel comfortable with how I look. I know this sounds like a small problem and people probably just think I should pull myself together but I just don't know how to put my irrational feelings into some kind of perspective. sorry this is so long, but, if anybody has ever gone through feelings like this and dealt with them, I'd be really grateful to hear.

I think it is natural for some people to feel like this. I am the same as you, and it is becuase we have it so good the thought of loosing it is terrifying.

There is no cure, but if he has offered to not have so much to do with her then if it makes you feel better and does not affect his job particularly then get him do do it.

This does not cure the main problem obvoiusly however just to let you now that you are not alone, there are others like you. Me included

You seem very self aware and say a number of times that your husband has given you no reason to worry and that you feel like the jealousy is about you rather then his relationship with this woman from work.

I am similar, i've spent years having to keep my jealousy in check.. i know in my head its irrational so like you, give my self a talking to before it affects my behaviour towards my partner.

After years of this I realised that controlling it and not letting it influence others is one thing but actually this is a deep rooted issue in me and one that makes me unhappy. These feelings are not nice to live with. I see this in your post as well. These feelings of jealousy are HORRIBLE for you. Its awful to worry and be scared about what could happen even if you know it is irrational.

I've started seeing a counsellor about this and she is really helping me make sense of these feelings ie why I have them and what it means. Maybe you might benefit from talking to someone as well?

I know mine come from a previous very bad relationship where i was cheated and also by having a very critical dad who made me feel like i would never be good enough for anyone.

Maybe if you did a bit of searching with a counsellor you might find some understanding as to why you feel so jealous and how you can soothe these feelings?

thank you for your replies

applecharlotte, your post did strike a chord. I too was in a very bad relationship from about age 17 - 19 with a man who was a liar, alcoholic, had an affair, treated me absolutely dreadfully. When I met my husband a few years later, it took a hell of a long time to trust him but I obviously did enough to go to marry him! I guess I just hate the fact that despite 15 years of being together, I still have these doubts and I almost begrudge thinking that it goes back to this first boyfriend!

It is very interesting that you say about your dad. I lost my dad a few years back - I have brothers and sisters and my parents were married for years, very happily. My family is still close and my dad was very much a family man with his family's interests first and foremost throughout his life. I feel awful saying it, but despite this, he did have the tendancy/ability (?) to make me want to please him and for him to be proud of me. I'm not sure why this is - he could be quite abrupt and did not show his feelings freely until alot later in his life. When I became an adult I realised he was actually a deeply sensitive person, but he did mask this by abruptness. There are certain situations that stand out in my head, such as when I got my school exam results ( I did really well) he 'noticed' the subject that I got the lowest grade in. I know he wouldn't ever have meant to upset me - he just wasn't particularly good at praising us to our faces and was a very reserved man. I have thought about counselling this weekend as I don't want to go on like this - how did you go about doing this?

Wow we do have a lot of similarities.

It sounds like a cliche, but i really do think having a critical parent can really damage a childs confidence and have a profound effect on later relationships.

I believe that these feelings of shame/not being good enough are internalised whilst we are growing up and manifest as anxiety, mistrust and subsequently jealousy in adult relationships. They are so deep rooted that our heads can say 'don't be stupid I'm with a wonderful man why am I feeling like this STOP IT' but our hearts fear the worst because of what we felt for so long in other relationships like the ones with cr*p parents and bad partners.

I find it so interesting that you can see now that your dad was masking his own sensitivity with abruptness directed at you. I've very recently come to realise that the reason my dad was very sarcastic and cutting towards me was a result of his own feelings of inadequacy and was nothing to do with me whatsoever (this was confirmed this week when I talked to my mum about how my dad used to treat me and she said it was because he always felt intimidated that I was cleverer then him even as a child!)

This realisation that he didn't actually think I wasn't good enough and it was actually about him was incredibly cathatic and has made me feel so differently towards him, one of pity instead of anger and sadness. My counsellor has really helped me look at this relationship and the one with my ex boyfriend from a different, more objective perspective. She has also helped me realise that its ok to feel like this, that my past has given me very good reason to be insecure and hearing someone else say that was such a relief. It sounds as if you might like to hear this as well.

One positive thing from what i've read about you and myself is that we have broken the pattern and have fantastic partners now, alot of people never get to this point and instead chose people who fit the template of those in our earlier lives.

From how you write about your feelings and situation on here I think you would benefit a lot from talking to someone. You are articulate and sound very emotionally intelligent and although counselling is bloody hard work it is worth it.

I put it off for years as I hated the idea of having to talk about my dad and was embarrassed/shame about my inability to enjoy and maintain a healthy relationship. Also when there are people out there with horrendous problems I couldn't believe a therapist would think what I was talking about were really worth listening to (classic sign of low self worth probably a result of the said issue!)so I completely empathise with your feelings about tackling this jealousy issue.

I can guarentee that if you go and see a trained counsellor they will be non judgemental and supporting. If you go to www.bacp.co.uk and look at find a therapist you can put in your post code and find someone local to you.

Its worth going to see a couple of different ones for an initial session as there are some you will have better rapport with then others. Sounds weird but I knew I would only feel comfortable talking to a female counsellor about these issues.

Anyway i've gone on too much. You sound like you are at a really positive turning point in all this I think you're going to be fine

Bless you, OP Your H sounds lovely, and so do you. I have to say I know how much this kind of jealousy hurts - for two reasons! I landed myself with selfish blokes who were unfaithful (but I rarely knew who with, so had that horrid doubt about practically every woman they knew) ... and my Mum's just like you.

In Mum's case, I have an idea how she got that way. She tortures herself over other women's superiority (as she sees it), convinced every time that he'll dump her for this other woman. She manages to keep a lid on it but it really eats her up. It's as though she sees herself as merchandise, and expects her partner to treat women that way too - IYSWIM. In that light, it's quite an insulting view of both herself and her partner.

If I were you, I'd get some counselling about it. It's tormented my mother throughout her life, and of course it gets worse as she ages. If you can sort it out, you'll save yourself quite a few worry lines!!

thanks applecharlotte and itsgraceagain for your thoughtful replies. I have been feeling a bit better, but, then after work tonight I started going on about it again, I just couldn't help myself. We are not rowing about it, we're just talking and I actually feel guilty because my dh just looks so sad and hurt that I'm questioning him about it.

T know everyone gets jealous from time to time, but the more I think about things, the more I recognise that I have always (or for as long as I can remember) had bouts of major insecurity, despite my 'successes' in life. I'm a bit of a perfectionist which doesn't exactly help my self esteem I know, as I can't be 'perfect' at everything. I'm also a bit of a control freak in the nicest possible way and this has got worse lately. My job involves me being incredibly organised and having control so it works well then, but it does spill into other areas of my life. Perhaps my increasing need to be in control of all areas of my life is contributing to this?

I feel so mean discussing my dad as I did, because he loved me deeply, in fact, I think we have/had a lot of similiarities in our personalities - both very competent people in many ways but wracked with episodes of low confidence. My dad in some ways was very relaxed, but in others, a very anxious person, something I seem to have inherited. As I said before, I also seem to just remember the negative stuff he said - there was positive stuff- perhaps I've channelled it out - but I suppose it must mean something that I can vividly remember certain comments that made me feel small.

I also do often think that other women have a superiority over me. I have no idea why. As I said, I'm not supermodel, but I am tall and slim and people say I attractive. I have a very good circle of friends and close family and good relationships with work colleagues, so on many levels I must be 'normal'! Thank you for the counselling links, I am definitely going to consider this although finding it a bit scary that I might have to 'open up'!

Hi - I just joined today because I too am going through agonies of jealousy and need to get it off my chest. Hope you don't mind me offloading onto your thread!

My husband told me two weeks ago that he was going on a 5 day business trip to Florida - a bit of a jolly, with conference, gala ball, swimming pool at the hotel etc. When I asked him if he was going with anyone else from work he told me yes - his PA. She is 20 years younger than me and drop dead gorgeous. I didn't react at the time but as the trip got closer I had been working myself up in knots over it.

Last night I brought up the subject of the Ball and asked if there would be ballroom dancing. He said he hoped not as everyone would be there with their partners and I said (cheap shot) that "oh well, you'll have your girlfriend with you". He reacted rather sniffily that she wasn't his girlfriend but his PA to which I replied (another cheap shot) that everyone in business knows that a PA is just another name for girlfriend. It was a bad joke and he went completely silent for about 5 minutes. The next time he spoke it was to change the subject completely.

This just made me more suspicious so much so that I tossed and turned all night worrying about it. This morning when he got up at 5.30am to go on this trip, despite having resolved not to mention the subject again I blurted out all my suspicions and said that I felt it was unfair of him to expect me to be OK with him going to Florida for 5 days with his pretty PA. He was very reassuring and told me I have nothing to worry about, however I don't feel remotely reassured. In fact I feel sick everytime I think about them on that plane together.

Also, it transpires that this is not the first time they have been on trips together - it's just that I have never asked before and so he has never told me. She does have a boyfriend, however having been in business before I know what people who have had a few drinks are liable to get up to when they are a few thousand miles from home and partners.

Am I being unreasonable / irrational to feel like this?

Ditesmoi, no I think YANBU. Whilst it's reasonable to feel like that, however, it's probably not reasonable to burden your DH, his PA or her BF with your fears! You'd be a trifle odd if the thing never crossed your mind. But you'd be fighting a losing battle if you tried to do anything about it.

I reckon the most you can do is give him - er, something to remember you by before he goes, and ring him up a couple times while he's away. Good luck!!!

I had a jealousy problem and had hypnotherapy. I would recommend it as the jealousy was making me miserable.
The therapist said it was actually a fear of loss. she taught me to build up my self esteem so that if I did lose my partner although it would be devastating it would not be the end of the world for me. That made me feel more reassured and the problem literally vanished and I am more or less the opposite. If you really want to feel better about yourself then it is truely worth the money I can assure you.

sorry had to put fish in oven and posted this too quickly. when i went for therapy there were problems in past. I never let on to my hubby that i was so jealous but my fear was so irrational it was embarrassing. I was jealous of good looking women on telly and when we went to pub etc I thought he was eyeing women up when I knew he wasn't really.It sounds trivial but the feelings i had were horrible that jealousy feeling is awful. I was determined to not let it ruin my relationship but I recognised it as my problem not his. The first thing my therapist asked me was whether my partner's behaviour was unreasonable and I had to say no. I hope this is of some help. When you are hypnotised you are really taught to get the problem into proportion because it is something that you have got out of perspective.

Thank you fuddle, I have found a list of counsellors and am also seeing the doctor on Friday (for something minor) and thought I might ask if there is anybody she would recommend. Your'e right, it is such an awful, awful feeling and I don't want to go through life feeling paranoid and feeling like this. I just feel so sad that after all these years, I still feel doubt about what is actually a great relationship.

I seem to have lost perspective and need to get it back!

just to add - your DH might think he is being helpful by offering to have less to do with the woman you're worried about but this is actually very unhelpful as it reinforces that it might be "dangerous" for him to have contact with other women and keeps you in your circle of fear.

Hope things improve for you.

Fuddle - sorry for crashing this thread, but how do I find a reputable hypnotherapist?
thank you