First of all, I've name changed for this (for obvious reasons) - I promise I'm not a troll.
Background: been with DH 5 years; no children; was completely faithful to him for 4 years. He did things that I would class as 'cheating' right from the start - sending sexual texts to other women but (according to him) never did anything physical. I always forgave him and he promised never to do it again - I truly believe that he completely loves me (yeah, yeah!). Just over a year ago I believe that he actually had a sexual relationship with someone, although he absolutely denies that it was physical again. I found texts, emails and photos. We almost split up over it. I didn't know if I could live with a man that I will never completely trust ever again. However, we worked through it and he has done a lot to build up the trust - phone always left lying around now (he used to take it EVERYWHERE - toilet, shower, etc), has cancelled his facebook account, we're planning a move so I know that there's not ongoing affair. (bear with me, I'll come to my point!)
Anyway - About a year ago, something just changed in me. I got really drunk and slept with someone else - a one-night stand. In the moment I just remember thinking "f*ck it, why shouldn't I?" I've always had low self-esteem and not been able to turn people down (when I was single) who show an interest as I find it a huge ego boost - even if I wasn't that attracted to them. Since then, I've snogged a few random people while out clubbing. On Friday night I slept with a random person again.
I absolutely detest myself. Sometimes I justify it in my head. Sometimes I think that he's done it to me to so why shouldn't I. Sometimes I think it's OK to have a bit of fun as long as he never finds out. But I know that both of these things are absolutely no justification for my actions. I was absolutely devastated when I found out what he's done and couldn't understand why or how he could do that to me. Now I am worse than he is.
The thing is, I'm a very shy, reserved person until I get drunk. Every single time I've cheated, I've been very very drunk. And, although I know that it's not a valid excuse, it is true that none of these things would have happened had I been sober. Many times I have sworn that I will not get drunk again - but then I do. I don't think I have a drink problem. I don't go out often (maybe once every few months) and I can go out and just have a few drinks. But every now and then I will go out and get really, really wasted. I just don't know why I do it? if it's a self-esteem issue - why can't I just get chatted up, feel good about it and then say "sorry I'm married". I know that it doesn't sound like a great relationship but after a rocky few months we are actually really happy and I want it to work so much.
I'm not quite sure why I'm posting - maybe to get it off my chest, maybe to hear from someone else who has done the same and managed to stop, maybe just to hear you tell me what a horrible, selfish person I am.