I think we need help

[TottWriter]

My DP has fairly bad depression, something I've known for most of the time we've been together. The actual background (and probable cause) took a lot longer to come out, and I'm still not sure if he's told me everything - he was hospitalised at one point as a child for refusing to go to school, and he said something about being forcibly restrained at times, as well as hinting that he did resist help, possibly by lashing out, I don't know. (I'm guessing they didn't restrain him for the hell of it.)

Either way, all this has left him deeply mistrustful of counselling, and he hates taking SSRIs which lay him low with side effects and don't actually help. So currently, he's pretty much untreated, and home all day with myself and our DS (He's technically my carer as I have epilepsy and can't be left alone all day with DS as if I had a fit he could hurt himself.) I'm now 20wks pregnant, and getting to the end of my tether with it all.

He is a good father, and perks up a lot when he and DS are playing together, but can't cope at all when DS does his toddler thing and acts up. And he's really happy about the new baby, but can't really cope with the fact that this pregnancy has given me low blood pressure - to the point where he implies that it's somehow me making it up egaggerating it, or something I can otherwise control. I know he doesn't really mean it, but it's getting me down all the same, and I really don't know what to do.

We have an appointment with his consultant in March, but he's reluctant to start anything until then, even going to his doctor for a referral for counselling. I can understand why he doesn't want to see a counsellor, but I just feel I'm walking a tightrope and I really want to know what I can do to help him without undermining his already fragile self-esteem.

TW, you posted this before, didn't you? I'm sorry to hear nothing's changed (except your blood pressure)

I'm afraid I disagree that "he doesn't really mean it". I think he's a selfish bully who's only interested in what he can get from you without giving back. I find it spooky that you know so little about his childhood and family, especially his serious health/behaviour problem. I feel sad that you are so determined to make excuses for him (which is what he wants) that you ignore your own well-being.

I hope this thread succeeds in giving you clearer vision.

I know he stopped going to school when he was 13, and his parents say they 'did everything' to get him to go back, which included I think literally dragging him to family counselling sessions (with his two younger brothers as well as his parents there). I know he also spent time in some sort of hospital during the week, which was possibly a step up from the counselling, as he has confessed that he really wasn't very co-operative. When I say that I don't know everything, I worry that there's something else that happened to him which he doesn't want to talk about. His parents have volunteered information which confirms what he's told me, though considering his youngest brother did something very similar (only he still lives with his parents and doesn't work or talk to anyone outside the immediate family) I'm slightly suspicious of my PIL.

I know he can be a bit hurtful to me at times, but I wouldn't say he's taking without giving back. He does look after me in a lot of ways, including emotionally (he has encouraged me to stick up for myself with regards to my mum who is quite controlling) and simply by doing things like cooking and washing up and such. It really is only my health problems he can't seem to cope all that well with at the moment, as well as his own.

I don't know, maybe there really is something I'm missing, but I would say that on balance he's still someone I want to be with - I just get brought down a lot by his health problems. One of the biggest issues is that he doesn't want to interact with other people very much - he insists on putting up a mask of normality and then exhausts himself doing it, but won't let anyone see him looking down, particularly not his parents, who he doesn't want to see one minute, and calls up the next. That alone makes me think that there's a real issue he has with them, his dad in particular.

hi just wanted to offer more positive support. most people on here always seem to jump in and say men are this and that and get out, but rl is not always that black and white, especially with children involved. men can and do have issues with depression, low self esteem etc, the same as many women do, and they do need be addressed on both sides otherwise relationships break down.
I would just get firmer with him and tell him hw must do all it takes to ensure happy future for you all, if he doesn't then maybe you need to put yourself first.

I don't think he sounds like a selfish bully at all .

I'm just guessing here, but it sounds as if he hasn't had much nurturing in the past and he's maybe finding it difficult to give you this when you need it? If I'm right, then he's doing very well really and I can see why he's reluctant to have counselling but maybe this is the only way forward - perhaps it would be good for all of you if you encouraged this?

Just an update - we've had a bit of a chat tonight about the stuff he says to me when we're out. Bit of a teary moment, but I did manage to properly explain how much it hurt me when he semi-accused me of drama-queening. He said he knows that I'm not making it up, he just gets frustrated because he worries about me, and that I tend to sit around the house not doing anything, and then when we go out I get ill, and he gets stressy and worried.

Which is true about me. I guess I do have some home truths to own up to. I rather rely on him for a lot of the practical things that get done in the house. I actually can't remember the last time I cooked, and I don't often do all that much else on a regular basis. We both have mood issues really, and we need to work through them. part of what makes me so miserable at times is that fact that he's miserable and I don't know what to do to help. And part of it is the fact that I'm stuck in a house I hate with no friends around, and moving is complicated because he's an undischarged bankrupt so not many people will want him as a tenant. Realistically we're waiting on a council place, and until then, are stuck going stir crazy in a two up two down which has the two downstairs rooms knocked together. (And a kitchen added on the back. Still, most of each day we're all three in the same room together.)

thing is most people can cope with a happy child, play with them etc - parenting is about how you cope when they play up...how will it be when newborn is screaming AND the toddler is playing up ?

maybe both of you get in touch with local surestart/children centre, look for mums groups/dads groups and ask for some support as well as building friendships?

i think i would take myself for some counselling too - especailly if he wont - qnd try and sugest to him that times have changed (unless you both very young and this was recent past?) and as an adult the approaches will be different? that you will both need support when new baby comes so would be good for him to seek counselling?

you could also go to relate or seek family therapy?

depends tho how much his depression impacts on you/ds.
when he "cant cope" what does he do?

When he "can't cope" he tends to go for 'a lie down' or has the odd beer (though never enough to be what I would call drunk). The former is irritating as I'm left more or less in charge, though he is still in earshot, and the latter makes me worry about his health, for multiple obvious reasons.

With the counselling, he's had short bursts of CBT in the last couple of years, which seems to have put him off anew because it really didn't work past the six sessions he was given. The stuff with him as a child was when he was about 13, so that's more than fifteen years ago. I know things have changed since then, but it's just getting him to understand that.

It also doesn't help that he recently had to drop an OU course he was doing as he just felt too depressed to ever focus on the assignments, so his self worth is pretty low right now.

We went out into town today, for about an hour and a half (and I didn't pass out ! Hooray!) which was nice, and he's definitely gotten better at not getting frustrated by my slowness and need to sit down every few hundred yards. So that's nice, but he still doesn't really want much in the way of outside company - my Dad invited us all round for tea last week, and he backed out at the last minute because he couldn't face putting on his happy act. That worries me. We're going to need a whole lot more support than we're getting now when the baby arrives, and if he can't cope with other people, how will he handle that?

I have mentioned Homestart to him though, and he didn't seem to mind too much. The main difficulty is that after I've had my initial maternity time, I'm going to have to go out to work part-time, and he'll be home with the kids. I worry that he'll avoid other parents as much as he can, and that means other children too.