bit rethorical really but can things ever work out after a seperation, cheating & abuse?

[thesouthsbelle]

or is it easier to cut loose?

basically those of you who are oldies will know me of old & the srory with XH - was abusive, physically a few times - pushing, when we were first married & he was drunk. (no excuse thou)

2.5 years ago, he walked out on DS & I, after what can only be described as 2 years of hell. had been building up to more thou, he was controlling, manipulative, totally shite with money - I was pretty down beaten & v low self esteem/had PND as well.

a month b4 he walked out i'd had a M/C which pretty much left me devestated and added to the PND. This point we really stopped getting on he'd met someone else and went off with her - it wasn't pretty - not pretty at all.

we then did the usual hate and fighting I think all couples do. We have a complicated set of affairs finacially and are still entwined in a lot of things. Money wise now there's no issues we discuss things etc etc and all is ok. We seem to co-parent & talk on a friends level better than we ever did - I guess the pressure is off.

I've seen various people over the time we've been split, as has he I know. incl the woman as well. He stays in my house (ours as his name is on the lease as well) when he has contact with DS which is every other week. We are able to be civil to each other (ie today DS's birthday party) he came we did it together - well I paid but he was there and active & helping out. then went to burger king & a bit of shopping after, before xmas we took DS out bowling together - little things like that - at hte time that felt odd. who knows thou.

Anyhow, today's conversations that we've been having haven't given me hope (and i've just split from someone who messed with my head big time) but it's made me wonder thou if there would ever be an option to go backwards. is it better to go back or just keep going forwards?

all w.e he's been commenting on me loosing weight & looking better etc, flirting, & stuff - says I wouldn't want to know half of what he's been up to - but then again tbh you start a fresh anyhow?

rightly or wrongly XH has been & I think always will be the love of my life- which is quite pathetic really. So can it ever work out again or not - tbh I always said I wouldn't bother trying to get the trust back once it had gone. who knows am just rambling I think. not lonely etc just want to get thoughts out of my head onto a page. hmm...

I've tried going back with both of the serious relationships I've had (I'm 26). My experience is that where there is no abuse, it's better not to go back. There is a reason you split, etc etc. Where there has been abuse - it's IMPERATIVE you don't go back.

I'm pretty sure others will agree. Clean break all the way, hon.

clean break....been there,it doesnt work

tbh part of the reason we split was because of not being able to communicate with each other - my PND, self esteem issues etc - however likewise there was his failings - which he has subsequently accepted and also apologised for - without any encouragement etc. maybe we were too young (am now 28) together from 17, married with DS and split by 25.5 not good!

would relate help - can someone ever change back to the person they were when you first met them? maybe it is just better to go forward and not look back at all.

you'll be forever looking at him,wondering,analysing everything. things tend to slip back to a comfortable pattern..

that's what i'm thinking three tbh - this last month he's been trying to fudge the boundries (ie 45 minute phone calls, the lost boy eyes, the compliments, the helping out more if i'm around & he's there early with DS) it's familiar & comfortable.

then again the thought of kissing him again doesn't exactly fill me with delight - nor does anything sexual lol.

time to reaffirm them I think possibly? hmm.

You wouldn't be thinking this way if you'd met someone fab. He's not the right guy for you, you've already discovered that. Just be patient and wait for the right one.

ps People NEVER change. That much I have found out.

tbh i've met some fab people - but he's always the one I come back to thou. hmm...

because you know wat to expect with him. he's familiar....like a comfortable pair of slippers....but if theres no spark,which you dont seeem to feel,well its not sounding good

and your dc dont need that role model do they?

sounds like he's putting on an act to get back to where he was....

no, please don't put yourself in that situation again

last time you went into it with no knowledge of the future

this time, you have prior awareness of the depths he is capable of...I would say you would regret it, more so that you would be going in with your eyes open

don't feel low about a recent bad relationship...this is a fragile time for you

but absolutely no reason to think that you will never do any better than your ex and make you "settle" for him

don't settle for going back

keep looking forward and hang on to your amicable co-parent r'ship with him

this is true AF. am no not as dumb as I was then, and you're right I do know full well what he's capible of now - totally. I always thought he'd never chance, but he's been showing some signes of being the same man as when I met him 10 years ago. then again thou - it's easy to isn't it when you live 60 miles apart come home every other week and see/talk to each other for an hour a fortnight & prob about 2-3 hours max on the phone but not always (depending on if DS wants to talk to his dad or not).

dont go back. Always keep going forward.
This is speaking from a lesson i learnt myself.
We were seperated after affairs, emotional and physical abuse.
For 18 months.
I went back partly as i didnt want to be a single parent, and i didnt want our child to have the stigma of being from a single parent family.
Plus, i do believe in marriage and giving it a go.

expect, if its only one of your giving it a go it will be a disaster.
and i wasted another 3 years with the fucker. Excuse my language, but thats the only word i can use.

He begged and pleaded with me to take him back for 18 months, so i thought he meant it.
He didnt
People dont change
same problems

and i paid the price by having to pick up the pieces again

dont even think about it

thanks,.

I know you're all talking sense. think it was the whole nostalgia talking of being as a 'family' for DS's birthday.

just carry on with the co-parenting thing

that is a version of "family" that can work for you

not the other

well to update - things are back on an ven keel again - ie we're ignoring each other and the situation. neither of us seems to be in ay rush thou atm to sort the divorce out.

Just be happy and proud that you're in a situation where you can co-parent and talk in a civilised manner about money, access etc. You sound as if you're in a very mature and civilised space ATM.

It is SO tempting to slip into a comfortable pair of old slippers, but they will ALWAYS end up pinching and ultimately giving you bunions!

You've done so well to get this far, and you are very young, with all your life ahead of you. Stay strong!

thank goodness belle
you know the answer, don't you .. always forwards

yeah I know ninah.

and yup, I like to think it shows a mature co parenting relationship.