One big horrible mess

[Potch]

Firstly, sorry this is long and rambling...

This is my first post on MN, I've spent a few hours looking through topics for someone with a similar story to mine but not had much luck. I suppose I just need to get this written down, I've been thinking about talking to my mum about this but she has plenty of her own issues to deal with a the moment.
I can't believe I'm going to write this, I feel like an evil traitor, but I think I may have married the wrong man. DH and I are both youngish, I'm not 30 yet, he is, we've got two children under 5. My first pregnancy was unexpected, we weren't living together but had been dating for a few years. We moved in before the baby was born and got married after. I often wonder if it would have worked out this way if not for our beautiful children and I know he's had those thoughts because we have discussed it briefly. I was starting to suspect that we weren't right for each other before I got pregnant. We're so different, completely different really. We don't argue but we're just different people with very little common ground. DH is such a good man, he was shocked and initially against having the first baby, but I couldn't go through with a termination, so he stepped up to the mark and gave up on a lot of his plans to be a dad. And he's a brilliant father and loving husband. I tried to push to the back of my mind that we might not have got married if things had been different. I pushed for another baby quite quickly and have been working hard on my career, trying to keep myself busy I suppose so that I don't have to think about things. But I had a bit of a breakdown recently, work had been getting too much, I'd been ill and sleep deprived for a while and then my baby needed an operation. It occurred to me while I was in hospital that I didn't love DH the way I should, that it was just a comfortable friendship. I started crying then and didn't stop for about 12 hours, DH and my children were confused and worried. The reason it happened then was that I spent a bit of time with my child's surgeon chatting, we got on so well and seemed to click, I looked at him and thought he was my ideal man. I've never felt that before in my life. You don't have to be a psychologist to see how needy, predictable and childish it is to fall for the guy who heals your baby but I guess having those feelings made me think my marriage is in big trouble.
I don't know what to do. Admit defeat? We can't change who we are. I don't want to break up my young family. I don't want to live a lie.

You sound very upset and overwhelmed and I think you're being incredibly hard on yourself.

There is no 'should' about what and how you feel in a marriage, life is fluid and so are your feelings about your partner. This is very normal. And I've certainly gone through periods where i felt i had nothing in common with my DH and had crushes on other people throughout the years. Ultimately though, its important to refocus back on the relationship - which is very very hard when you still have young children.

It doesn't sound like you communicate very well with your DH - have you thought about some counselling - by yourself, as well as together. How does your DH feel about things?

Thanks Kiwinyc, you've pretty much hit the nail on the head, I've been really tearful and overwhelmed recently. DH knows that I've been down but he thinks it's to do with the operation and work. He must suspect something though because I've been finding it hard to be affectionate towards him for a long time. I can't come clean though, he'd be really hurt if he knew I was having doubts about us.

Hi, i completly agree with kiwinyc, you sound like you may be suffering from a low level depression which is hardly surprising with the strain of recent events. It's very common to have doubts about your partner & the relationship so you mustn't feel alone on that matter - i've been with my husband for going on 18yrs, since i was only 15 & experienced periods of depression after my son was born, his heart op, following a miscarriage & after my father died - I've had doubts throughout all of those times and some - always wanting to escape off backpacking around the world, i think its pretty normal!! I would encourage you to talk to someone though, both for yourself & if possible with your husband (Relate can be helpful). The things i would strongly recommend you not to do is carry on as you are unsupported trying to sweep it under the carpet. A friend of mine did that for 24yrs, didn't talk about it with her husband (who was a good bloke & father like yours seems to be from what you said)& started fantasizing about finding her 'soul-mate'. Needless to say its all ended badly where she convinced herself into believing she desperatly needed a divorce, split up her family & has ended up miserable when the man she developed feelings for has not only stayed with his wife, but has kept her hanging because she's fundamentally emotionally fragile due to longstanding issues outside of her marriage. All very sad and its her little boy who i feel most sorry for. It sounds like you've had to deal with alot of change & uncertainty (which human beings struggle with)and stress which you may have internalised and subsequently transferred back onto your relationship, highlighting the insecurities within it. It also sounds like you have the most fundamentally important aspect to any marriage/relationship which is friendship, this is a huge positive and offers a great starting point. Take some time out for yourself and talk to someone who could help you identify whether or not the issue definatley lies with your husband, within the relationship or if your uncertainties stem from another source. It can be a very confusing and lonely time when you are feeling fragile, make it easier on yourself and seek some support, don't beat yourself up, take care