advice needed after getting back together

[anon1968]

Hi

we recently seperated it was a long time coming, it started in nov ( i posted on here then) any way basically he moved out in jan, came back after only one night because he said he realised it wasnt right (we split because he wasn't sure that he had feelings) anyway we realised it wasnt right and he hadnt given it long enough and he moved out again the week after, this time he lasted a week, although we talked on the phone all the time ( we have a daughter) basically after a week he told me he that he knew we should be together and that he just needed to hit rock bottom to make himself realise and so that he knew he wouldnt get these feelings again, to cut a long story short he did come home, i did tell him i would give him more time and that he could stay where he was and that we would just start doing things together but still have space, but no he said he knew he wanted to be back home, anyway hes been back 3 weeks now, and although things are ok most of the time i still feel really insecure and this week because he has been quiet and working all hours to recoup some of the money we have wasted by him moving out i have been really questioning him which i know he hates but i am seeking reassurance. i asked him if he thought he had come home too soon and he said no, he does want to be here and that by beeing here should show that it is because he has feelings, and said why can;t we just relax and just enjoy things instead of questioning and searching for answers...

i know i should relax a little cos i know my insecurity was one thing that drove him mad, i was always seeking approval that things were ok, on lots of diff things not just our relationship, basically what i want to know girls is how do i relax and stop reading too much into things, cos its easier said than done isn;t it?

I don't want to drive him away, and don't like being a needy person anyway, i want to be be more positive for myself also, not just to keep him, can anybody give me some tips on how to move forward, i know i should look at the positives on why he came back and realise that it will take time to fix for both of us and stop seeking reassurance i just can't seem to put it into practice.

any advice appreciated

bump

Hi,

I wish I could help, but I'm in the place you were before where my H doesn't know anything except that he doesn't love me any more.

I am trying to be just basically a nicer person with my H (Which seems to mean biting my tongue a lot today as he seems determined to get me to snap at him), not questioning, trying to be friendly etc. Might that help you?

You have my sympathy though.

Didn't want your post to go unanswered. It's very quiet on here today but I'm sure someone with some help will come along. I'm going to have to give this one some thought before I respond. Hope you're ok.

anon I too have been through the same as you last sept. He moved did wrong, got kicked out, hit rock bottom badly, said his sorry's and I took him back - although one thing i didnt do was to let him back home. (reason being our house was due to be re rented and we couldnt afford it so was moving into our parents to save money)...I also thought that a few weeks of me living without him may actually make me more independent cause like you I was always seeking for affection, and to know that things were 'okay' between us.

(we also have a daughter)so I knew I had to keep him close so that she could still have her daddy around.

anyway what I did to get the feelings to subside: (ive put 'your' instead of 'i' so you can read it as it is directed at you, but this is just what I did. ygm?

1. Make 'time' yours...not about him, not about hinking of him, not about what he is doing.
2. Get out more. whatever it is, going out with the girls or just taking dd out shopping.

3.Evaluate your personal goals - not that of your relationship. Try and see where YOU want to be in 3/4 yrs time and work on an individual goal, study, or get the job you really wanted to do. 4.Not have sex with him. Fullstop. And i think this was more of a trust but I also used it as a way to 'own' my own body again, to find me. 5.Although I was laready Christian, I turned nearly all my thoughts to God and boy did it help. My religion helped me to do the next step.

1. Forgive him. I also would be thankful for the things I do have in life and not the things I want or dont have. I also forgave myself, for being so hard on myself, for thinking the worst of everyday situations 'hes gone to the shop to get some air' when really he went to the shop to get some 'milk'.
2. Take things at face value, dont think about how its done, or what it will be, the here and now is all that matters.

8.Forget the past. learn from it indeed, write it all down, then scrunch it up and throw it away and that is it...and if any thoughts crept into my head, Id just repeat 'God is good, the devil will not succeed'. 9.And as I said before occupy your time when he is not around, dont make him the centre of your world but love him unconditionally, your health is much more important, you need to be there for your daughter. 10. Give him his space. Let him go out if he wants to within reason (money,the dd, family etc..all taken care of first) and while hes out do something for yourself. When hes home, chat to him, show him you love his company but are happy for him to do his own thing every now and then - it hurts at first, and I sometimes still have a gut wrentching feeling when he says hes going out with 'just the boys' cause I know exactly what his friends are like..but he is not them so I have to let him go and do his own thing.

The fear of the unknown really hurts doesnt it, not knowing if youl still be together next week or what happens if you argue tomorrow...I know how it feels, but you have to get a grip and relaise if this man truly loves you he will make you happy, and while your figuring this out, love yourself, cause you cant love anyone properly unless you love yourself.

wasnt meant to have 'moved' up there in the beg, sorry

HiBoth

thanks for your replies

chairmumMiaow,

Have you actually seperated yet, i really feel for you, i felt like my world had ended, athough it was easier in a funny way when he did actually go, i know it wasnt for long, but it helped me a lot when i saw how hard it was for him, he had been so sure that it was the right thing.

i know things will take time, and that i have to be more positive and not read too much into, just dont seem to be able to stop myself.

Hi Chellesgirl

what fantastic advice!!

you are so right, give him space that is exactly what he has said, to relax and enjoy us being together without raking the past up,

it is the fear of the unknown, and i do want to be glad he is giving us a chance because i thought he would be too stubborn/proud to admit he wanted to come home. i know exactly what you mean with your comment about going to the shop for some air, when he is actually going for milk, i have been asking him if he is working overtime to get away from me and when is he said it was for the money i still let it drop, saying "but are you sure we are ok"

I don't mind him going out at all in fact i have said he does need to go out with his friends more, he is on his own all day at work whereas i work in an office so have the social aspect all day.

i have to sort myself for me and like you say to love myself.

Sounds like you've been on an emtional roller coaster and now its time to get off! We all get insecure and seek signs, reassurance from our partners thats normal. When it becomes a problem ie the pressure we pile upon our partners and deems unreasonable is when it becomes just another stress in life- one they could do without. Its hardwork, tedius and a game cus if they dont say it, do it in the right way they get more hassle. The secret is to be more chilled- easier said then done. Its the little sentiments that matter, (i've learnt not to look or expect the big displays of love cus they dont come often, ie once every lottery win and its me that gets disappointed and him pissed off at me!) and the patiance, acceptance and appreciation of one another. It all takes time alot of effort. Most men do show their feelings rarely and going to work and being there at home they think its enough. Perhaps your partner when not forced to reassure you will feel comfortable enough given time and acceptance to give you what you need. Men are slow burners. It seems to me he does care/love you from his actions and yes him going -how strong you were to let him go, you did the right thing there- now he knows he wants to be with you, the hard work for you both has to begin. Talk more, cuddle more, listen more and given time your life together will be so much stronger. Hes there because he wants to be, his freewill and thats testament how he cares for you. Men will never think the way we do, they cant and they cant act upon our thoughts. Theres always a middle ground, compromise. Yes you will feel insecure him going, however he came back cus he wants too. In time with effort you will feel more secure, happier in yourself. Take the pressure off yourself and relax with him. Do you have any hobbies or work? We cant get our all out of one person we need other things in our lives ie friends, work, hobbies to make ourselves our lives more healthier, rounded and complete. Has there been anything in your past that makes you more insecure? If so maybe counselling will help- i've had it and did me the world of good, Good luck!

and anon dont just look at your relationship when it comes to wondering how you can help yourself...sounds to me like thiers a bit of anxiety there???? just cause its within your relationship with your H that you feel the emotions, doesnt mean that its not perpetuating from another area of your life...our other areas were..money (a massive thing) the birth (well after care) of our dd just gave us soo much stress and these things just escalated the anxieties I was feeling towards DP. Just take a leap off the world and look down from outerspace

hi mum2bnj

you too have hit the nail on the head, certainly been on an emotional roller coaster, him too if im honest and like you say i need to get off it!!

i will try and not look for the big display of affection cos he was never like that anyway, so for him to give it now would be even harder for him, and why would i expect it now anyway i ask myself??? when i know he isnt like that, he was never one for cuddles or displays of affection, like i said i never thought he would come back because i thought he would be too stubborn!!
i will try my best to relax and enjoy our time more which hopefully will help us both.

i didnt feel as though i was strong to let him go as you said, i begged, cried etc but he said it was something he had to do, altho when he was first going he was crying and saying he didn;t think he could do it to me and our daughter and i did tell him he had to do it... so maybe i am stronger than i think!!

i am gonna try and chill.............

anon- we're still in the same house but its been nearly a week since H admitted he didn't love me and things feel like they're going downhill to me

It does sound like you're on the road to getting things right, if you can take a step back and let things go slow. I'd love to be where you are, with both of you knowing you want to make a go of things.

hi ChairmumMiaow

I really feel for you, it was and still is in some sense the absolute worst time of my life, trying to keep it from our daughter was the hardest thing i have ever done, he told me first in november and changed his mind a few times but then decided for real mid december, i asked him to stay until after xmas for our daughter but xmas was horrible so that was a big mistake looking back.

I was actually stronger when he moved out,mainly because i had to be for our girl (she's 11) it is the not knowing what is happening/why it is happening that hurts the most, as i have always thought that if he was happy then so was i, life can be boring but thats everyday life for you, isn;t it?

He has said now that he has realised it is what he wants but i look at him at times and do wonder if he gave it long enough, he looks sometimes as though he has the weight of the world on his shoulders, but i think like posters on here have said, things take time to mend and hopefully we are on the right track, i did tell him to take more time cos however devestated i was i said i would never let him put our daughter thru it again, altho i have to say she coped a lot better than i did. deep down i do feel that he came back more for family life but hopefully a part for me as well, as long as there is something between us as well as for our daughter and finances etc i can live with that

Has he actually mentioned moving out? maybe he just needs time, it isn't nice i know, i completely went to pieces, couldnt eat or sleep (ended up on sleeping tablets) which didnt really do anything, just felt like i was existing day to day.

Can you talk to him at all or does he shut you out. we never really talked that much or did a lot together, like i said i was just happy to let him do his thing computer/games console etc.

Maybe he will realise, i know its hard but i think my h realised more when he did move out that life wasnt greener on the other side, i think he thought his life was shit and everybody else had such a better one,but also when he saw that i was getting on with things, could you go out for an evening with out him, even though you won't enjoy yourself it might make him think. could you go to a friends or something, just to get you out of his way for a well

Coming on here helped as well i think, so many people have been thru the same thing or worse.

Hope that you somehow get to where you want to be. x

Anon1968 - you can 'worry' a relationship to it's death. I know it is so hard to do, but the best thing to do is try your very best to enjoy being together, try to enjoy your life, try to enjoy being a family.

At the end of the day, if he does leave, having spent months worrying, pushing him, questioning everything, being needy will not have helped and will, almost certainly, have pushed him away.

It's entirely possible that you can be all sweetness & light and he will still leave - but at least you wont feel guilty for having pushed him away, you wont feel bad you didn't make the last few months as happy as you could have and most of all you will have done your best for you & your daughter.

Try to think of advice like this as 'loaned hindsight!!', try to take the advice from people who have been through this and try not to make our mistakes!!

Best wishes x

and realise that you are not alone!!!!!

My DP was 'not the one for cuddles' or to display affection...now though, now weve talked about our inner feelings and been honest even if we hurt each others feelings, he has opened up, he never used to be a 'family' man, although he wanted a family. As soon as his cobwebs were cleaned away, the hugs and kisses come without a whimper...he asks for them now he even asks for 'family hugs' which is sooo sweet! And its brought us closer as a family. You also have to give him some 'responsibilty' like you need him to do something, men love to be wanted, my DP is at his worst when hes out of work...so on these days (as hes self employed) I make him take dd somewhere, and ask him to do something for me like get some car parts for my car..hell yes I could do it myself, but it makes him happy to know hes doing 'something' for us.