Empty feeling

[Thistledew]

Nearly 5 years ago came out of a 6 year relationship which I then recognised with the benefit of hindsight to be physically, emotionally and sexually abusive.

Part of the reason I remained in the relationship so long (in addition to my own self esteem issues) was that my ex convinced me that he only behaved the way he did because he had suffered an abusive childhood.

It was after I left the relationship that I recognised that my ex was choosing to behave the way he did, and that he did have a choice not to seek therapy, control his drinking etc.

I then began to feel very angry about how he treated me, and have been wondering how/if/should I let go of the feelings of anger, but as I could not see any reason for his behaviour, I could not see any reason to let go of the anger.

I have been drawn to lurking on the NPD and Stately Home threads, I think to try to understand and get some perspective on my experiences.

Tonight, after reading some of the posts on the Stately Home thread, it occurred to me that because my ex spent so much of his childhood being told that he was a bad person and everything he did was bad, that he not only felt that he had to live up to this expectation, but to force or manipulate people into loving him for it.

Of course, it still does not excuse the fact that he chose to be abusive, and that he chose not to get help to deal with his emotions differently, but something does seem to be a bit different, and that maybe I can let go of the anger.

However, the idea that I might actually be able to let go of the anger seems almost scary, and it is hard to see what is there instead- hence the title of this post.

Has anyone else been through this process? Where do I go from here?

Thanks for reading

He did not choose to be abusive - he learnt to be abusive. He did not chose not to seek help, he probably didn't realise that he needed it.

i am....i'm angry too

my ex had an abusive childhood,pschiatrist has diagnosed him with a personality disorder,probably stemming from this. also,the issues with his mother (she was abuser) have left him with a hatred of women

its horrible isnt it

Karmann- thanks for responding, but I do disagree with what you have posted. Yes, he learnt to be abusive, but as he reserved his behaviour for me and was not abusive to other people, I believe that there was an element of choice in how he behaved to me. As to him realising he needed help- I did point out to him that he had behaved in a hurtful and inappropriate way, and asked him to get counseling, but he always responded that it was not his fault.

TBB - did you also find that he used that as part of the control/ abuse? I was always told that it was ok for me as I had a good childhood, and so I did not have the right to complain about his behaviour to me. Of course, I felt sympathy for him for the childhood he had, so it was hard for me to stand up to him. And he knew this.

bump?

Oh yes. He used that. When things weren't going his way

and he said he was jealous. Jealous of my childhood , and worryingly, jealous of the childhood I was in turn, giving our own dcs!!!!

And absolutely agree . He chose to be abusive, and as an adult, they damn well DO know there is help available!

Karrman.......do you have personal experience of this??

Yes I do - very much so. He reserved it for OP because she was closest to him. She pointed out to him that he needed help but until he realised that for himself it would fall on deaf ears.

Oh, but my own ex was the same..... But he had 'realised' from the beginning, thing is, he loved the attention, even tho it was negative. He loves the drama.

Only attention he gets now are from the police and prison wardens!

Thistledew, I guess you are afraid to let go of the anger in case it is replaced by guilt. There's a little voice trying to say: if he really was mentally ill, shouldn't you have stood by him, in sickness and health and all that? The thing is though, understanding is one thing, living with it is quite another. Sticking by him would not have helped him and was extremely damaging to you. He could do with heavy duty therapy, but as others have said, if he wouldn't accept he needed it there is really nothing anyone can do, least of all you as he clearly did not respect anyone who was foolish enough to love him.

Another thing to bear in mind is that just because someone was ill-treated as a child does not mean they would necessarily have grown up to be a great human being if they had not. Sometimes people just aren't very nice. You may be able to tell, obviously I cannot as I don't know him, whether there was a nice person struggling to get out, or whether he was merely able to fake nice long enough to draw you in. The bottom line is the same, though. You could not live with him.

Eventually, I believe, you will be able to let go of the anger and perhaps feel a little pity for him, as he was too weak to battle his demons. He is the one who will miss out on a happy family life, with a wife who would have been only too happy to support him, had he not used that support as a weapon to beat her with. But don't let guilt sneak into its place. The love of a good woman can only redeem a man who is interested in being redeemed.

Thanks for all the replies. I have only just realised people were kind enough to keep posting after I had gone to bed.

I think I am finding it hard to let go of the anger, because throughout the relationship I was told that my feelings were irrelevant and unimportant, and so learnt to suppress them completely. Anger was the emotion I had the most problem with: at the end of the relationship, we had some couple's counselling, and when the counsellor asked me to express to my XP how I felt about his behaviour, I almost couldn't, because I felt so angry that if I let it out just a bit I would fly into a fury and not be able to stop. It is hard for me to let go of the anger and replace it as Annie says with a bit of pity, because to me it still feels a bit like all the excusing of XP's behaviour that I did for years.

Possibly, I still need some verification that anger is still an appropriate feeling about what I went through, in order that I don't have to feel it any more .

Funnily enough, the reason I went back to this post this morning, is that I had a very vivid dream last night in which I actually confronted my XP in the way I have wanted to do since we split, and pointed out to him all the ways in which his behaviour to me was completely inappropriate. All my family were there in the dream, and finally realised how awful he was. My current (v. v. lovely) DP was also there supporting me through it, and made me realise even more how wonderful he is in comparison to XP. Hopefully this means I am on the road to healing properly.

Thanks for reading again.