Please help: Made a horrible mistake and trying to put things right

[AmberLilly]

Ive spent a long time today reading through threads where the poster has been unfaithful to their H and have found some of the advice they've received incredibly valuable and, while not condoning their behaviour, non-judgemental and constructive.

There seems to be a lot of wisdom here and I thought I'd be brave and ask for some help myself.

I had an affair with a man at work last year, shortly after returning from maternity leave. I dont really want to go into the details of it because I still feel so ashamed and disgusted at myself, but to cut a long story short I ended up confessing everything to my H and he took me back. As you can imagine this brief explanation doesnt do justice to the days, weeks, months of wretchedness during that time, or to the hurt and pain that H suffered.

We're slowly getting 'back to normal' although, understandably, it still casts a shadow over our marriage. One of the things H asks me is to tell him why it happened, as knowing this would help him get over it, but I dont know why it did. It sounds so pathetic to say 'it just happened' but it did.

I have tried to get H to agree to see someone from Relate or similar (there were problems in our marriage before the affair) but he thinks it will all be turned on him and he will be blamed.
I have seen my GP who has put me on anti-depressants and I had some appointments with a mental health worker but I couldnt admit what I'd done so just got packed off with a relaxation CD and a diagnosis of PND.

I dont think it was PND. I was abused for a number of years when I was a teenager and I believe it has effected all my relationships since.I would like to talk through what happened because I'm terrified that I have some kind of personality disorder thats going to make me do this again. I never want to put my family through anything like this again.

It breaks my heart to see what I've put my H through (and the parter of the OM who found out about the affair). I feel like total scum and I just want to help make things right.

Is it possible to get help from Relate on my own or do I need to go with my H?

You can go on your own but it stands a better chance of workin if you both go.

"it just happened" sounds like maybe you were over-whelmed and swept away with the flattery of it all. If you've got low self-esteem to begin with, perhaps the result of the previous abusive relationship, then it won't take a lot to fall in to the flattery trap.

I hope you get good advice here and you get through this

AmberLilly

Sorry to hear your story, I'm afraid that I don't know the answer to your question.

But when dh and I were having relationship difficulties last year, I talked to my gp about it and she offered me some counselling. I had a choice of going on my own or with dp. Counselling took a long time to come through (long waiting list on nhs) but was all about how we communicate, sex life, etc. The counsellor has been entirely non-judgemental and doesn't seek to blame either of us (dh came to all sessions). I think her job seems to be to help us work out what we want and how to get it.

You should go back to your gp and talk about your real problems. If you think you can talk to relate with your dh, can you not also talk to your gp and a counsellor with or without your gp. (sorry if that comes across as a bit direct...)

I've never had relationship counselling but I don't think it's about apportioning blame, it's more about learning to commumicate more effectively, honestly etc, so that you can work on trust issues etc.

I think if you have issues going back to your childhood you should definitely seek counselling, even if your DH won't touch it.

Maybe he thinks, it was you who had the affair so why should he have to go to counselling? Maybe if your own therapy was beneficial to you he might see it less as a punishment and more as a helpful way of moving forward.

I've got two different friends currently having counselling just now and both telling me it is hard work but fantastically helpful to them.

Good luck!

Hi Amberlilly

I can imagine what your going through. For women affairs are alot different from ehy a male would have one. We require so much love and affection (well the majority of us do) that if we dont get it, we sink into this world of the unknown and everything we do seems to be wrong or hurtful to others and ourselves without sometimes us even knowing it.

I have been on the recieving end of DP cheating. Now I can never prove he ever had physical contact of any of the 'women' but he was sexting and meeting at work (he is a bouncer). I can fully understand why he did what he did 2 months after dd was born...and I forgave him and some people will look at em and say 'you fool' but sometimes we have to be respectful for the other person in the relationship. now Im not saying yes its right, I would of loved it if i was the center of his world...but that was the problem...I wasnt making him the center of mine and not only did the blame lie with him, but I had neglected our relationship and his feelings as I sunk into a state of depression (which he went through too) and made him listen to my rants every day without taking his feelings into consideration. I love him, more than I have ever loved any man, and I know that he loves me, he just needed to 'escape' (a wrong turn) but nether the less.

I sympathise with you

But theres one thing I have learnt over this time...and I quote you here..."I have tried to get H to agree to see someone from Relate or similar (there were problems in our marriage before the affair) but he thinks it will all be turned on him and he will be blamed."

Now please correct me if Im wrong, I dont want to cause upset, but could DH be hiding something..anything that he feels he doesnt want you to hear at councilling. It could be anything from something when he was younger or just feelings he has about the affair that he hasnt told you about, anything...
cause when I read it, it just set alarm bells ringing...he forgave you, he took you back, yet he wont discover the inner-depths
of this relationship.

I hope you do get him to go and release whatever it is both of you need to get out of your system...to start again.

Oh and I had councilling without DP and it helped lots! just to get the anger towards him off my chest and not point it at him, was really worth it.

I wondered if you had ever had any counselling specifically about the sexual abuse you suffered as a teen. TBH, if you haven't had a chance to do this up to now, I would do this before any other counselling. It may well be affecting your approach to relationships in the present, especially in areas such as feeling lovable, forgivable, isolated even though in a relationship, ability to trust, embracing true emotional intimacy as opposed to seeking sex as an easier substitute -- these are things that can crop up when someone has suffered abuse. And there are also difficulties dealing with guilt.

Maybe it's all your DH can do right now to just focus on trying to go one day at a time with positive feelings towards you and the relationship, and maybe he fears that opening the can of worms will stir up feelings he has decided to put behind him. Or maybe he is afraid of facing things himself and just wants a quiet life and for all problems to just vapourise somehow. If there were problems in your marriage even before the affair, and if you think they're still unresolved, I would be inclined to wait until some of the abuse issues and repercussions have become clearer to you before tying to deal with the relationship stuff. I would, however, try hard to give your DH the best answer you can to his persistent question of why the affair happened. Obviously it may come across as 'You didn't X' or "You did Y" so "I did Z", but maybe you run less risk of hurting him if you keep on using "I" statements.

I agree, in the end it would be great if you could both get it all off your chests in a constructive way.

Amber - you didn't say sexual abuse did you? You said you'd been abused as a teen.

First of all, you are not a bad person. Good people are capable of doing bad things. There are huge clues about what sort of person you are from your post. You told your H about it, you feel guilt not just to him, but the affair partner's DP, you're not willing to accept others' excuses for your behaviour and you want to take responsiblity for it. All of this speaks volumes for the sort of person you are.

It is, I suspect, why your DH is still with you, trying to get through this with you - rather than the easier route of leaving you. He loves you - and has weighed up all the evidence of the love you have shown him through the years, against this one awful blip.

So, in answer to your question - yes you can go to Relate on your own - and I think you should, but choose that counsellor carefully. There are some great Relate counsellors around, but there are also some terrible ones, who have a very shallow and narrow view of why affairs happen.

It's why I understand your DH's fears about being blamed by a counsellor. A good counsellor won't do this at all, but IME female infidelity is often excused far more than male infidelity. It is widely assumed, for example, that females are incapable of having a sex-only affair. Also that females engaging in a combined EA/PA affair have chosen this route because they were victims of something in their marriages. While that may be the case for some, it simply doesn't recognise that there are exceptions.

One of the most helpful things for a betraying spouse to acknowledge is that regardless of the problems that existed in the marriage (if there were any, you say there were) - infidelity is wrong and there can be no justification for it.

The other thing I want to say to you is that I understand your H's need to know why this happened, but actually it is even more important that you work this out. Affairs don't just happen - and your H knows this and is probably feeling frustrated and tormented about what he could have done to prevent it. He is buying into what Shirley Glass the author of Not Just Friends, calls the "prevention myth".

Your H was not responsible for your infidelity. He couldn't have controlled it at all. You were responsible for it, only you could have controlled it.

Whilst a happy marriage would have been a deterrent, it simply isn't a fail-safe.

Until you understand the reasons - and work on you - he won't be able to heal properly and move on.

So get some counselling to get to the root of it. Guilt and shame are also often unhelpful behaviours that prevent us from getting to the root of why we've done something - and that's where I think you've got stuck.

There's not much point in adding to your thread, Amber, but I wanted to support you and your respondents above

I think the fact that you thought to mention your childhood abuse is significant - we do really know why we do certain things, even if we haven't consciously made the connection yet. This is exactly the sort of thing therapy is meant for; please don't think badly of yourself for seeking counselling! Somebody did something bad to you, leaving you with an injury that has hurt you again (and your husband). Proper counselling will teach you how to heal that injury properly. You sound like a lovely woman, and I feel pretty sure your husband will appreciate the work you do, with the help of a therapist.

www.bacp.co.uk/seeking_therapist/right_therapist.php

Thank you all so much for all your comments and advice... some of the things you've said were so kind I'm almost crying.

I will definitely try so see someone for counselling. I had a bad experience in the past with a counsellor which just left me feeling very frustrated and that I'd be better off just trying to forget what happened to me and move on but I see now how much it damaged my self-esteem, which I think is where this all stems from.

Chellesgirl- I see what you mean that it looks like DH might have something to hide by not wanting counselling but I think that WWIFN is right- I think he thinks the counsellor will say I acted the way I because he failed me in some way, which isnt the case at all. Whatever problems we had in our marriage couldnt justify what I did.

Hopefully we can find a better way to communicate with each other and come out of it stronger.

Thank you all again so much. You've really helped me x

all the best to you amber x

Hello AmberLilly

Not sure if you read my original post on another recent thread - but yes I am really encouraged by how kind and supportive people have been.

I have just started to speak to someone from Relate by myself. I didn't want DH there at first because there is so much I want to work out in my head by myself - primarily - why I did what I did - because I certainly do NOT want it to happen again. And the counsellor looks like she can really help me with that. And then I talk to DH about what I have learnt after the session. And he is proud of me that I am facing up to what happened and doing something about it. He says that a lot of people would just ignore it and not face up to what they did.

So I really recommend that route. And GOOD LUCK!

just to let you know my 'councilling' was with a nurse psychiatrist at my GP's. He was amazing...After 3 sessions with him, I felt confident enough to what I wanted to do in life, feel the way I wanted to feel without having to put EVERYBODY before me and it was a relief. Free and very valuable and id he/she thinks you need extra help, they can referr you which is most of the time free!