How to cope with mother's jealousy of DH's family?

[WildSeahorses]

I have come to the conclusion that my mum is jealous of DH's family. She seems determined to create rivalry and dissent. For instance, she is always dropping snide comments about my SIL and MIL into conversations (it has been getting worse lately, which I think is connected to my pregnancy - she will apparently "never get to see" the baby I'm expecting although MIL will "always be there" - well, if you live 5 hours drive away and deliberately try to avoid doing the "long journey" then you are bound to see it less than someone who lives a 30 minute drive away). I'm getting so fed up of hearing about how my MIL is "favouring" SIL (when actually I think she's very fair), how DH's family are "scruffy" (ok, they aren't into the smart casual clothing so much as the very casual, but bloody rude to comment) and so forth. She also tries to wind me up about SIL and tries to encourage resentment of her on my part (SIL is basically fine, although I think she did go through a phase of being a bit jealous that I was the first to get engaged and married and also the first to get pregnant).

I know that my mum had a dreadful relationship with her own MIL (who to be fair was a complete PITA and openly favoured her other son and, by extension, mum's SIL and my cousin). It has crossed my mind that actually she'd like me to have a difficult relationship with DH's family, on the basis that she would then be the "favourite" parent. Tough for her - I like DH's family and get on very well with them. Every time she starts on, I tell her that her comments are not acceptable and that I don't want to discuss it further. In response, I get whined at "well, I'm only saying" or similar. Has anyone successfully trained their mother to accept the fact that actually the "other side" is not their enemy? If so, please tell me how you did it, because apparently plain speaking isn't cutting the mustard. How can I get across to her that it isn't a situation where there is a winner and a loser?

You could be talking about my mother & father. They absolutely resent my pil. My pil made it clear from the very start that whilst they would be happy to babysit in the evenings/weekends they did not want to become childminders during the day for us or either of my sils. Which is fair enough but my mother thought it was "ridiculous". Pil have 7 grandchildren in total, my parents have just my 2, therefore they think they should have the monopoly of my dc when they see them. We live in England and they are all in Scotland, we stay with my pil when we go back as they have more room and 2 bathrooms. Of course my parents are jealous of this and cannot see it makes more sense rather than us all being squashed together in a smaller house, where ds would need to sleep on a landing. When we did live in Scotland, we moved to a house about 1/2hr from my pil and about 1hr from my parents, they had a moan about that too as we were closer to my pil than them. I could write a book, plain talking ends in arguments as they only see "their side" of things. I have been married for 14 years this year and lived with dh for 3 years prior, so I have had nearly 17 years of it and have yet to find a solution.

Sympathies

I'm not in the same situation as my DF and SM think my ILs are wonderful and would rather spend time chatting to them than their DGC at any mixed family bash but that is something I should start my own thread about someday maybe...

Your DM sounds very jealous of your ILs and your good relationship with them and of the fact that your DC will inevitably spend more time with them than with her (especially if she is difficult about visiting). It is also not your fault that she had a bad relationship with her own ILs. Can you try not talking about the ILs to her - the less information she has and the less they come up as a topic the more difficult it is for her to stress you about the issue. And if she raises the subject, just be non committal, refuse to discuss and change the subject i.e. your DM says "MIL must be looking forward to the baby, she will be there all the time", you "mmm, we'll see, anyway how is the new car". Worth a try?

Hve it out with her? Probably the best thing but be loving about it too.

I have same problem but in reverse - I promise you my dh would rather stay in a one bed cramped flat with mil rather than my dm's big house.

My ils are very jealous of me my family andour background and it's bloody foul - I can't have it out with her - she's mil - and my dh a complete pathetic mummy's boy - but I could, if the situation were reversed, with my own mum if I had to.

Make your mum see it's futile and that you love her so much - your love is unconditional and so should hers be to you and your family.