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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

in laws

17 replies

saddest · 26/02/2010 12:18

How would you feel, what would you think if you had been with your oh for seven years, married for four and a half, and had never been to your in laws house, despite asking to many times.

The kids have been, and FIL has been here on half a dozen occasions, but I have never been allowed to go. I don't even know the address.

Opinions please?

OP posts:
bubblagirl · 26/02/2010 12:31

sounds very strange to me that you dont even know where they live why has your dh never told you the address?

you have mentioned FIL what about MIL were they at the wedding did you get on?

Rindercella · 26/02/2010 12:36

I would feel pretty rubbish actually. What does your DH say? What about your MIL - has she been to your house? What about other ILs - your DH's siblings, aunts, uncles, etc.? Did any of them go to your wedding? Do you ever meet up outside of your homes?

Distinctly weird imo.

saddest · 26/02/2010 12:37

MIL died just before we got together. We were friends before that. He confided in me a lot at the time of her illness and death. We became incredibly close at that time..

No one was at our wedding, only us and the kids, in Cyprus. We never had any kind of party or reception afterwards.

OP posts:
saddest · 26/02/2010 12:38

I don't know where his brother lives either. He has been here once.

OP posts:
whyme2 · 26/02/2010 12:40

HAve you asked why you're not allowed to go?

Seems very odd situation.

tbh I would be upset at being kept in the dark about it.

thumbwitch · 26/02/2010 12:44

seems pretty odd but perhaps your FIL doesn't want the hassle of entertaining? Or maybe he is one of those weirdy hoarders and would be embarrassed for you to see his house?

How does your DH fob you off when you ask to go there? Does he just outright refuse or does he give you a reason as to why you can't go?

I must admit, I'd be pushing to go as well - my curiosity wouldn't be able to stand it!

whyme2 · 26/02/2010 13:00

I am VERY curious as to why you aren't allowed to even know the address. Is it a night shelter? Park bench?

What does your dh say when you ask him?

saddest · 26/02/2010 13:14

We even discussed this at relate.

He has never given a reason. I know the house exists because the kids have been, and I've seen photo's.

At relate he said that we would go, but there has always been a reason not to on the day, so he has wriggled for seven years on this.

It alway occured to me that if anything happened to H, I wouldn't be able to contact his family.

OP posts:
MrsFlittersnoop · 26/02/2010 13:53

Dear Saddest,

You are not alone.

I too have been married for 7 years, and DS (DH's stepson) and I have not seen my ILs (MIL, FIL, and SIL who lives with them) since our wedding. I have only ever met them 3 times, one of which was my wedding day!

They have never EVER visited us, even when we only lived an hour's drive away from them.

Dh visits them every 2 months, but whenever he suggests DS and I visit, they are always "too ill". When he booked us into a nearby hotel for a weekend visit a couple of years ago, SIL threw a huge tantrum because she was due to have some hospital tests the following week and was "too stressed" to cope with visitors, so we had to cancel.

18 months ago, I accidentally came across an email SIL had sent to a friend claiming that amongst other sins such as "getting married in a registry office" :

I had refused to visit DH in hospital when he had a life-threatening accident, that I was a hopeless alcoholic who has ruined him financially by drinking away every penny he's earned since we got married, and that he had actually left me for a while, only returning out of concern for the welfare of my poor little DS.

There is not a word of truth in any of this.

Dear Readers, when we married he was £30k in debt, had never stayed in one job for longer than 2 years and was living in a grotty North London shared flat with a friend from Uni. He is now debt free, has been running a thriving business (which we set up together) from home for the last 5 years and we live in a lovely house in a beautiful part of the country. We are very happy, and have been since we got married.

I can only assume that because I am 5 years older than DH, have an illegitimate child, a job they can't understand and have been unable to provide them with grandchildren I am damned beyond redemption in their eyes.

yellowcircle · 26/02/2010 13:58

saddest - the situation sounds bizarrre. Do you know approximately where he lives (what county?) - I would be looking him up and driving by the house to see what exactly the problem is.

FIL could have any number of problems and regardless of the nature/seriousness of whatever it is, it is wrong of your DH to keep it from you like this.

thumbwitch · 26/02/2010 13:59

saddest, if your DC have been there, what have they said about it? I really can't understand what your DH's problem is, unless he is hiding another family there!!

MrsF - for you - they are clearly bonkers

yellowcircle · 26/02/2010 14:00

oh and his full name will be on your DH's birth cert presuambly

saddest · 26/02/2010 14:04

Mrs F, are they religious at all? My BIL, now dead, had a hard time accepting the fact that we didn't have dd christened. I do not share my H's faith, and he is not practising.

The only glimmer of an answer I got at relate, was that I somehow wouldn't approve because it is working class.

That is deeply insulting and hurtful, and probably a load of bullshit. I'm not exactly descended from royalty, and my family has very working class origins, which H knows.

OP posts:
MrsFlittersnoop · 26/02/2010 14:11

Saddest, if you know the town he lives in, you should check the electoral register at 192.com.

MrsFlittersnoop · 26/02/2010 14:21

No saddest, not religious at all, but deeply conservative rural folk who rarely venture beyond the parish boundary. The family have lived in the same hamlet since forever and are listed in (I'm not joking) the Domesday book.

DH is the only member of his extended family to stay at school beyond the age of 16 or move out of the county. When he graduated from his Scottish Uni, the family flew up for the ceremony. It was the first time any of them had ever been on a plane.

saddest · 26/02/2010 15:45

I have found one match on that site....Thank you by the way mrs F! His brother and father have the same name.

Far from working class, the house over the road has a swimming pool in the garden!

I wish I'd looked before....even more questions now!

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EldritchCleaver · 27/02/2010 23:09

When you're sure you've found it, just turn up one day! Take a cake and a broad smile, see what the ILs do!

I wouldn't keep letting my dc go to a house I wasn't allowed to visit, actually. If you go and they don't let you in, ban dc trips there until they relent.

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