DH needs help. Quite a bit of background because I'm hoping someone can suggest some reading to help DH sort himself out. His stepdad is very abusive, and DH prefers to work through things for himself and really doesn't want councelling. His stepdad was fine with DH until his bro (my BIL) was born. At this point, my FIL told DH (5 years old) "I don't need you any more, I have my own son." From then on, DH was responsible for his brother really. DH was pulled around by the hair and throat, pinned against the wall, told he was useless. If DH did anything it was either wrong, not done fast enough or not done properly. He was screamed at, constantly belittled and disbelieved about anything. He watched his brother treated like a little god, and my MIL got the same treatment as my DH. There's a LOT more, but you get the general idea.
This still affects DH, and he has tried to talk to his Mum, who knows it wasn't the best childhood and feels horrible about it so the 2 of them treat it as a joke because it's the only way they can deal with it. But DH still has flashbacks. If we so much as disagree, he panics. He always assumes he's in the wrong and is very self-depricating. He has no confidence, to the point where he can't believe he has a job and his bosses think he's GOOD at it! He can't say no to anyone incase they don't like him, and he's desperate for anyones approval. He's always surprised when people want to be friends with him and think he's worth spending time with. He will outright lie to make himself look better than he is when the truth is actually perfectly fine. He won't take the initiative with anything, with me or anyone else incase it's wrong and he's still afraid of being screamed at, even suggesting what to have for dinner. He's always so proud of himself when he disagrees with someone and he's able to say so - surely he should be able to freely express himself without fear of being wrong?
He knows its not normal, and is the most FANTASTIC father and husband. He is very affectionate always hugging and touching and kissing as though if we don't it's like we don't love eachother enough? I don't mind that tho, not a complaint! I love him so much I want to help fix his head.
Sorry to waffle, and I could go on. The man is truly toxic (classic - won't even speak to me since I stood up to him. I have to apologise first which isn't happening in this or any other reality). Other family members won't speak to him either and he thinks they're being horrible to him. So please, any suggestions for reading to help DH sort his head out? I want to find something to help him realise his self worth, and how to stand up for himself, and that if you're in the wrong it's really not the end of the world and you won't get beaten for it. It's OK to be imperfect and still love yourself. I've given a lot of detail here, and quite likely outted myself so if you know who I am, please dont say anything. If you know the man in question and my DH I'm sure you'll understand.
I'm sorry this is so very long, I've been through several times and taken bits out but its still an essay. Thanks if you have read it!