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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Struggling In My Marriage

26 replies

Kayzr · 26/02/2010 10:24

I need some advice please. I am really struggling in my marriage at the minute. I don't know if I really love DH anymore. I love him as father of my children but I don't know if I love him in a romantic way. I sometimes feel like we are just Mummy and Daddy and not Kayz and Mr Kayz.

We have 2 boys that are almost 3 and 14mo. We've been together 5 years since I was 19 and married for 4 years in July. I have begun to wonder if we did it all too early and too young.

I spoke to him about it yesterday and he asked if I want him to leave which I don't. I just think that we can't just split up now without really giving it a good go at trying to get the feelings back.

We don't really get anytime without the boys except when they are in bed. No one can really have them overnight as they haven't got the room for both of them. We've decided we might see if my brother can just sit with them when they go to bed so we can go out for a meal. Just so we can get out together.

DH has a bit of a temper which is mainly taking out on DS1 when he is naughty. He will really shout at him and I don't like it which I really think has contributed to how I feel now. He is seeing his GP about this and he has been given some tablets.

He had counselling last year which helped for a while but recently it has come back. Mainly fueled by the fact that he is unemployed at the minute and hasn't got any of the jobs he has applied for. So he is a stay at home dad at the minute and I work 16 hours a week.

What I really want to know is, is it possible to fall back into love with someone?

I have ordered 'I'm in love with you but I don't love you' and I hope it will help us.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Karmann · 26/02/2010 11:00

You have so much on your plate right now that it's hardly suprising you feel the way you do.

Quite often when children come along it's so easy to lose the couple and just become mum and dad. I think it's a great idea to get your brother to sit with the boys so that you can go out together, just to be you and him and not mum and dad for a while. The fact that you want to do that tells me that all is not lost here.

Although you say your DH has a temper he has sought help for it and that is another positive. Have the tablets from the GP kicked in yet? Sometimes they can take a bit of time. It sounds like being unemployed has hit him quite hard - he must be feeling rejected by that right now.

I think you have just become stuck in a rut but you do seem to be making positive moves to try and change it.

Original poster
Kayzr · 26/02/2010 11:05

He got the tablets about a week ago and they are just starting to kick in I think. Sometimes if for one reason or another he doesn't take them early enough in the morning he does get quite grumpy.

He had a pretty bad childhood too which is what he saw the counsellor over but I sometimes think that surely he must want better for his boys.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 26/02/2010 11:08

tablets for his temper? am i missing something here?

does he smack or is he violent in any way?

Original poster
Kayzr · 26/02/2010 11:12

No he doesn't smack and he is at all violent.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kayzr · 26/02/2010 11:13

he isn't at all violent is what i meant. Brain not functioning today.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 26/02/2010 11:14

so his temper problems are just shouting?
so what are the tablets for?

Original poster
Kayzr · 26/02/2010 11:16

They are for his temper. He went to the GP and they said he is stressed which causes his temper and that the tablets will curb his temper.

OP posts:
Karmann · 26/02/2010 11:18

Sounds like the tablets haven't fully kicked in yet.

I am sure he does want better for his boys but his childhood will have affected him. He may not have learnt about loving relationships or not know how to deal with situations (these are just examples). Would he consider the possibility of going for counselling again?

Original poster
Kayzr · 26/02/2010 11:21

The GP referred him to counselling before and they don't seem to think he needs it again. We can't afford relate so we can't do it ourselves. He would go again if he could get the GP to refer him again.

I am going to see the GP as I'm not sure if maybe I am depressed about all of this.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 26/02/2010 11:24

still struggling with the tablets though....there are none to cure a temper. temper is a behavioural problem,unless doc has prescribed natracalm or something.

whats his trigger? or has he been put on antidepressents?

Original poster
Kayzr · 26/02/2010 11:29

He has been put on Olanzapine. His trigger is usually DS1 misbehaving.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 26/02/2010 14:08

so he has a disorder?

Original poster
Kayzr · 26/02/2010 14:14

No

OP posts:
poshwellies · 26/02/2010 14:47

Bit odd for his gp to him on Olanzapine as its a antipsychotic and used for bipolar and schizophrenia

Sounds like he has stress issues and not a mood disorder-CBT would help.

Original poster
Kayzr · 26/02/2010 14:58

He was on different tablets before but can't remember what they are called. They worked but one day he couldn't breathe very well which was one of the side affects. So he had to come of them.

Can a GP refer to CBT?

OP posts:
poshwellies · 26/02/2010 15:02

I think it depends on your area,I would be looking down that route-ask your/his GP if it's available in your area.

Still unsure on your dh's medication-agressiveness is cited as a possible side effect for Olanzapine.

Original poster
Kayzr · 26/02/2010 16:38

I'm sure the GP wouldn't give it to him if he thought it would make him worse.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 26/02/2010 16:43

www.netdoctor.co.uk/medicines/100002876.html

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Olanzapine

for you to read

sounds odd to preescibe it for "anger"

can you speak to HV about nursery for the 3 year old? so dad gets a break? or does he go to nursery?

is worrying to me that a 3 yr old gets routinely (?) shouted at... needs to be addressed... or is he particularly naughty?
you can also get help via Hv eg "supernanny" type behavioural expert if 3 yr old has excessive behaviour issues

Original poster
Kayzr · 26/02/2010 16:58

I have read the links but I still believe that the GP wouldn't have given him it if he didn't it would help.

DS1 does go to nursery and he is a bit naughtier than other children but not too much. We already use Supernanny techniques. He goes on his naughty step and has a reward chart for good behaviour.

HV isn't very helpful. We asked for help and she said to join Netmums. Not sure how that will help us.

But DH is working on all these problems. I really want help for me and help to see if I can feel better in our relationship.

OP posts:
notjustanumber · 26/02/2010 20:21

Hi Kayzr,

I am sorry you feel like this right now, its a pretty horrible way to feel. I have felt like this myself about my DH twice in the past, once quite recently. The first time, it was because I had lost some respect for him for the way he was behaving, and he knew that was the reason. The second just because we had had a difficult time and we were both under a lot of pressure. FWIW both times I've tried to look at the situation in an unemotional way and think "Does this person make me happy, and is it the person or the situation that is making me unhappy?" and that way I've been able to see that its definitely worth saving, ie its the situation we are in. I had a dream recently that I saw him across a crowded room and my heart flipped with joy and I realised how much I didnt want to lose him despite all the problems.

I think the fact that you can talk about how you feel shows that you have a good relationship, and I wonder if its the pressure of unemployment thats getting you both down. You were young when you met, but so were we, just 20 and just 22. We are still together 15 years later, and although I've been tempted to leave him sometimes, I've never been tempted by anyone else. Sometimes its harder to be in a relationship than on your own and thats when it gets difficult, hopefully some work will come up for your DH soon and things will improve.

GypsyMoth · 26/02/2010 20:34

I would send him back to gp.

He's had anger management?

If he loses it with a 3 year old, then how bad does it get when you're not around?

Original poster
Kayzr · 27/02/2010 06:41

He hasn't had anger management as they don't think he needs it. GP just says he is stressed. But he has been like this his whole life. His mother is exactly the same but she used to hit him.

He doesn't lose it with the boys but he shouts at DS1 instead of dealing with it in the way we said we would.

OP posts:
monroe66 · 27/02/2010 10:30

It sounds like ur husband being unemployed isin't helping him with his personal feelings -he could get out of the house by doing voluntary work that he would enjoy - it may lead to work? u never know...
He could take ur children out swimming , park,local adventure places so their relation becomes more fun together wont cost alot or even free.
We all go through 'bad bits ' in our marriages. As ur kids are small they go to bed earlier so make every sat eve u and ur husbands - nice meal dvd or go to a cheap meal deal and a drink or pics (see 'martins money page 'for restaurant meal deals)or go to friends together. Men like to think they have u to themselves at least 1 nite a wk....try it c how u get on. I wont say good luck as we all have to try at making our marriage work but u sound like u r in love just things change and we have to work it out x

monroe66 · 27/02/2010 10:33

What is DH and DS1 by the way im new to this x

Original poster
Kayzr · 27/02/2010 10:45

I don't think him being unemployed helps. He is at home with the boys everyday. He does take them out when we have some spare money or they go to the park.

DH means darling husband and DS1 is darling son 1

OP posts: