Your opinions needed on DP behaviour...

[Linda3458]

Hello I maybe should've posted this on AIBU section, but here goes.

Me and DP have had a really bad time in our relationship this past year and nearly got to the point of splitting up last month. We decided we love each other and we would try to make things work, let the past and the resentments on both sides go.

This morning I went in to give him a cuddle, and he 'rose' if you know what i mean.lol! I said I can't do anything about it because I'm full of the cold (he knows this, it's obvious). He then turned away in a huff and stopped cuddling me. When I asked him about it he just shrugged like he didn't care, and said I 'always' reject him - I don't at all, granted i have rejected him alot this past year because things weren't good between us, but today it's just because i'm full of cold.

I feel so hurt that he could be so cold towards me just because i don't feel up to having sex! Makes me feel that he doesn't care at all and i will feel used.

AIBU? Do you think his behaviour is unreasonable? What would you do/react?

xxx

It's a tough one, sexual rejection can hurt, a lot, so the huffiness is understandable in part, however, knowing you are ill does make him a bit of a tosser.

It will take you a good year to make everything fully "ok" again imho, it does take time to let everything go and drop your guard fully.

I think apologies on both sides are a good compromise, sort of a "sorry I wasn't up to it" from you, only if he's willing to accept his unreasonable behaviour though.

The thing is he is not willing to apologise. Before he left for work i said "you better apologise tonight" he said "you'll be waiting a long time, you'll never get an apology from me" Just seems to me like I'm making effort to make ths work, and he's still as nasty as ever and it will never change >no crying emoticon

Is your DH a bit controlling? My DH can be like this and he tries to be controlling in other areas too. He is not going to apologise and to try and force one will not help as it could become a power struggle.
I would suggest that you calmly make the point that he has to respect your choice whether or not you want sex and that it is not reasonable for him to expect you to be available just because it suits him. You also have to respect his right to say "no" if he is not in the mood. You might want to remind him that you do care about him and saying no to sex is not a rejection of him.
That way you have set a boundary and reminded him that he doesn't have a right over you and your body.
However (and this is really important) if you do have this discussion do not make it accusatory or about him being wrong just make it factual.
I had to do this with DH and because I kept it factual when he reacted and grumbled I simply stated that I didn't expect him to read my mind and if I didn't explain what I was comfortable with then misunderstandings would occur and now that I had explained hopefully there wouldn't be any problems going forward.
Bear in mind if your DH has got used to you reacting one way (for example giving in to sex if pestered enough) it may take him a while to get used to your boundary. So I wouldn't take his reaction too personally as it may be him struggling to cope with you being more assertive. Pushing him to apologise in some ways is making him responsible for how you feel you feel hurt about his huffy behaviour and you want him to make you feel better by apologising (you may want to look at the Codependant no more thread).

Thanks Chaz. x
Yeah he has been controlling in some ways but not in others, so quite hard to understand. He's not controlling of ME - he encourages me to go out with friends, doesn't mind what i wear, watches kids whilst i go to college (even though he says he doesn't think it's the right career i'm going for in this climate but would never try to stop me) However he IS controlling in his OWN LIFE. I think he has a massive sense of entitlement. He thinks he is entitled to everything and if he doesn't get it will go in a huff like a child.Everything in the house has to be exactly the way he wants it. He criticises everyone elses 'way'.
I tried to get him to aplogise because I'm scared things are going back to the way they were before and i won't work out between us. There has been extreme resentment, bitterness and hurtful words on both sides this past year, and now we are supposed to be trying to let go and move on, but it seems it's do-able for me to let go and 'be nice' but alot harder for him.
I understand that he's defensive because I hurt him by rejecting him sexually for so long (because we were fighting every day), but surely he can see it's just because I'm ill.
My DP sounds the same as yours - he very rarely apologises even if he is clearly in the wrong - if he does he looks like it's P-A-I-N-F-U-L , like pulling teeth!

i think by saying ""you better apologise tonight" you keep up the anger and resentment all day... would you do that with a friend? over something? make one incident become a whole day thing so you waiting for them to apologise the next time you see them? surely the moment has passed?

i guess there is more to it tho - lingering resentments.

but raher than focus on this one time maybe talk more generally about the situation.

maybe try relate . or go see a counsellor yourself for a one off to see how you really feel. you can only change your behaviour - your reactions; not his. he may then change if you change yours.