i'm rubbish at making friends

[poltesco]

hi i'm happliy married mother of 1 dd2yrs and 3ddsc all teenagers.
i have never been very good at making friends at school and college i'd have a 2/3 friends. but now that we have all grown up and moved on i don't see them anymore. but unfortunately i just can't seem to make any new friends.
i suppose the problem is that i sit back and people watch for awhile before i decide that i like that person but by that time they've given up on trying to be friends, as much as i try to make a friendship with them they don't seem interested anymore!
i had a tough childhood at home and school so find trusting people very hard so i've always felt safer to work people out before getting involved. but then people think that i'm a bit cold! don't get me wrong i'm not a horrible person and i'm never rude to anyone when they talk to me, this is just so hard to explain.
the thing is as much as i love my husband and children i really could to with a good friend as well. not just people that i have a brief conversation with. i take my dd to playgroup 2 a wk ( only a couple of the mums stay with the kids) and a childrens centre group once a wk ( all mums stay .
its really starting to get me down an make me feel like a failure!!

I've found making friends with other parents at school much easier than I did at toddler groups.
Do you think your reticence because of early life is bad enough that some counseling could help?
Is there anything you could do in the evenings when your dp could babysit? An evening class, exercise group, book group etc..?

i had counselling in primary and secondary but it didn't seem to help my dh is great at listening and just letting me rant at times, poor bloke he really is one in a million.
we live in the sticks not much really goes on and by the time i've got little one off to bed i'm shattered!
i just can't see how i'm going to dig myself out of this hole!

I sympathise, I'm not very good at it either. However, I think you need to engage more if you do want to make new friends - without being pushy, go up to people and say hello, ask about their DC as a "way in" and take it from there. It's hard the first couple of times, especially if you get any sort of rebuff - but then that's one person you don't need to bother again, iyswim.

A good tip is that most people quite like other people to be interested in them - so when you talk to them, ask them about themselves rather than talking about you - if they're nice people, they'll ask back about you anyway.

Bear in mind that you don't have to be friends with everyone who talks to you either - but you won't know whether or not they're worth talking to unless you give it a go.

HTH and good luck with it.

Another tip - try looking out for other people who seem lonely too. I id this when everyone else seemed to be part of a clique and I wasn't; rather than break into a clique I kind of started my own, with new people who started coming along to the group. I met my best friend that way!

Hi, I seem to have the same problem. I've kept 3 close GFs from school & Uni but nothing much for the last 10 years. We moved a lot and our lives are transitory and now that I've had a little one I don't find the time to join clubs or go out to meet people and I don't work, so a whole social aspect is missing. We are abroad & I'm very lonely, I worry my dd will be a loner like me because I can't stand most baby groups here and the mothers are older or all of the same nationality and clickig together. Maybe I'm just a weasel and nobody can stand me, I don't know.

If I had family around, I could possibly find more time for myself to do something and meet likeminded individuals.

Is your family close by? Do you have baby care? Could you join in church activities? Or a community course? We live in a muslim country, so the first is out for me. But where we lived before there was a lovely group at church and I could take dd and let her potter around.

I'm sorry it's so hard for you. I know how it feels. At least you have a star of a DH.

Hiya I am bex and I have d same prob I am vry shy around ppl I have a 22month old son called gus and we go to a todler group once a week what he loves but I find it hard to go up and tlk to them I knw I should go to mre groups fr my son but am to shy but I have gt him into a playgroup so he can play with kids at least 3 times a week I think I should join a group just thinkin what kind

it's really hard when your shy or the keep to yourself kind as i am. but i made much more of an effort today i still feel lonely its just so hard especially when it feels like i've missed the boat with a couple of poeple that i think could have been really good friends!!

bex266 i'm sorry that you also find it hard to make friends, and yeh its really hard to know what groups to join to get out there and meet poeple that will actually end up being freinds with!
kittyonthebeam sounds like you've got a bit of an uphill struggle i hope it improves for you. my mum and dad live in the next village which is great dd sees them every wk which is great but they both work full time so don't have much time to spare. mum has offered to babysit loads but she has a vy manual job and she's nearly 60 so i feel mean asking her after work to look ater dd!

i suppose i've got to change, but it's so hard to fight the fears. i know that i should be greatful for my loving family but i do need at least one friend to just be be me not a wife/mother, that probably sounds strange i know but i don't know how else to put it!