Feeling lonely - have cut off from my family, after realisation of their abuse, after acromonious divorce!

[Mummiehunnie]

Hi just wanted a chat if anyone around?

I always knew that Dad was physically and emotionally abusive towards me, brought it up when I became a mum myself.

After nasty divorce, I went into counselling as ex was emotionally abusive, had about four months of it. Two months after it finished, my self esteem had risen, and the work I did on flags and boundaries in counselling allowed me to finally open up my eye's to mum's emotional abuse that is still ongoing and has been done to my children also!

I cut contact, but kept door open, asking them for family counselling for past year actually, even before I properly opened up my eyes' to everything, they never would, asked for apologies etc, none came, I waited from october to February, and I have now give up.

I have cut contact with so many unhelpfull people around me, and I have cut my social life and circle by 3/4, I feel so lonely but scared!

I am reaching out and doing stuff, positive stuff, but I feel sad today!

Mum keeps saying that counsellors have twisted my mind, that I am mental or that I am back with the ex, she devalues us, since oct, my brother who lives abroad, who is also abusive towards me, had a first baby, she has removed all our photo's except one which was used as a lean to a computer print out of bro's new baby, all the pictures she had of him and his new family replaced ours, ours were gone or hidden behind a curtain (it was night time when I visited asking for bro's address which she did not want to give it was stepdad that shamed her into it so she rang bro and was gutted when he said it was ok to give me his address, she triangulates all relationships in the family), she had in jan, the due date of his baby, the day his baby was born, that is the same month of my dd's bday, that was no on the calendar, the kids pointed this all out to me!

I feel so sad today, I have tried to turn my life around, I don't even know why I am crying, I think it may be because I have a bad cold and don't feel well or something, just feel vounerable and isolated and I know I have done that to myself, but I just could not take people hurting me again, and I don't trust myself or others anymore, I was too open, manulable etc and people took advantage of that, I have offer of coffee with old friend, but she was not there for me when I was in pain, she ignored me a few times when I tested or f'booked her, now I am positive she wants to meet, I am not putting much on f/book anymore and it is all positive stuff and when she chats to me I am not giving much away and I think that she only wants to meet for coffee to pump me to pass info on to mutual ex friend who has done bad things to me and others! Thing is I want to meet for coffee for company etc...

texted not tested x

anyone?

Ok i have read all that you have written, it really sounds like you have been let down by a lot of people. What would you like to happen if you could change things. Would you want a realationship with these people or would you rather re invent yourself?

I have to go now but will be back later on in the day.
Hang on in there, hope it helps geting things of your chest. Sometimes things seem clearer once you have written them down.
L

Venslou thanks for the post, you are very right, I just need someone to bounce things off, and don't know who to trust around me hence why I am asking strangers instead!

I have plans for the future, and have made good changes in life and am going to continue with it all. I can't change my family or any of the friendships I have made, I can only learn from them, which I have done.

I just don't want to have no one. I don't want new people to think there is something wrong with me, because I had a bad start in life and made bad decisions due to that, and reject me, as I feel that I have been rejected by all that I have loved, I don't actually even feel that my family and ex even loved, me the ex said he never loved me and never planned to stay with me long term even though we got married and had children!

I would love to reinvent myself, and I was talking to the one good friend I trust (but she is so busy and not available much and I can't only burdon her with stuff), she told me off in past for doing that... I do listen to her and others, but when i was going through the divorce I was all about me for the first time and people got annoyed with me as I was always the agony aunt in the past... The thing is the kids love the high school the oldest is going to and if it was not for that I would move away in a heart beat!

I know how you feel in some way. I am on the brink of a breakup, and have no contact with my family (breaking it off with them was very positive for me) and although I do have a sort of small surrogate family (my brother's ex's lot) it isn't the same as knowing they are your blood.

I'm trying to think about what I will do in the future, as there will be times, family times, when I will be alone (Sometimes with DC, sometimes alone I guess). My thoughts at the moment is that I will try to find people like me. I already have friends who are single mums who would probably happily spend at least some of those tough times with me.

I'm sure there are plenty of people around in similar situations, with little or no family to fall back on. I find other people through toddler groups at the moment, but I guess as they get older I should be able to start going to classes and stuff and meeting people there. I am very scared of being alone, but I guess to some extent we're the ones in control of that.

Personally I would keep away from people who affect me negatively, and try to find some new people to go out with, if its just for a coffee and a mundane chat to start with. Try the 'meet other mums' section on here somewhere?

Chair mum, thanks for your post, I am sorry that you have been through similar stuff, what age are your lo's? I am sorry to hear that you are on the brink of a break up x

I have tried the whole making new friends with single mum's thing, they have problems themselves and actually ended up causing me more probelms, as they welcomed me in and others, but we got to be one big group and similar people attract like so it was not a healthy group, I had to leave most of them behind.

I have relocated so many times in life, and found friends, I am not concerned with finding friends, it is not something that I have difficulty with when I set my mind to it, it is that now I realise that a lot of people I had around me were not good for me, that I don't want to get in wwith the same types again, different body same person inside and I need to try out new people, thing is bad people attracted to me...

I do have a coffee and mundane chat with some people still, but i am transforming who I am and needed to go into shell a bit to achieve it all if that makes sense?

also when I talk to people, I am really questinging what I say to them and they to me and how we interact with one another, and I still have to deal with abusive ex also regarding unfinished finances for court, we are both self representing, and he is still being nasty and I am still reigning him in and my youngest dd has walked all over me a lot in the past and is very controlling and she needs regular reigning in and it is all i can cope with when they test me, to have loads of people around again pulling me around, I am too sensitive to others and I am still growing and need to stay cacooned for a bit longer before I go full out again!

You have been really unlucky with your friends and family up till now, but as I have learnt, it's quality over quantity every time.

I lost pretty much all my friends here in the UK when I lived abroad, I suffered horrific and traumatic culture shock, and although I'm finally home, it's slower to recover than I would like.

I would rather ONE dear friend that I can rely on and trust than a whole bunch of people that are not there for me. I considered myself to be immensely lucky, in the 3yrs of hell, to have 2, yep 2 friends. One wasn't even in the same country as me, and although the other one that was based in the same city I was, we mostly communicated by text/email as our travelling schedules often conflicted...

Just relax, it'll all be OK, you are on the right path and need to sever ties with all those that would harm you.

Good luck & post as and when you need to!!

You know, there are patterns of behaviour we all get into. There are some people out there who can spot a person who has been abused, and who will - consciously or unconsciously - start taking advantage of them. I think that might be why there seem to be so many people who've let you down. Like groundhogs says, you are on the right path just cutting contact with those who are harming you.

Hope things get better - keep watchful of people who are toxic and steer clear!

groundhog/little dragon, your words are very wise and helpful, thank you x

I went to counselling this morning, I feel so upset as I was crying telling things I had not told before, only written down, I had told some stuff, but the stuff about my mum and family dynamics and making sense of things I had just taken parental answers for or never questioned before was very painfull...

I do know things will get better, it is finding ways to cope with this bad time right now, and getting through this time, thankfully I am not in a bad way all the time, as it was once, I just felt so lonely yesterday, and sad today, thanks you guys

I heard a saying today..

It'll be alright in the end...

If it's not alright yet, then it's not the end..

HTH!

Mummiehunnie i could have written your post after i had my breakdown. after the breakdown i went for counselling which was a total revelation. i could really see behaviours and attitudes for what they are and how they can harm me. i also cut alot of people out of my life, it was necessary self preservation.
i gradually started letting people back into my life but with new boundaries. for example i have a few amazing friends, other people i can (mostly) get on with and have a laugh with (again, mostly) but i keep them at arms length.
you've come so far, and by keeping yourself safe from emotional harm you will keep getting stronger.
with regards to your family i think that you need to accept them for who they are, flawed humans like the rest of us, and again with new boundaries so they can't hurt you. it's nigh impossible to get grown adults (esp your parents) to accept they did you wrong, just as it would be difficult and hurtful to hear that from our own dc's one day.

Maristella, so sorry to hear you been through such a hard time x I think it is a good idea to let people back in with your new boundaries, it is buliding yourself up confidence wise to deal with each of them, it is hard enough to keep the kids and ex in check without loads of others who test me!

I may one day accept family, it may be too late they may be dead by then, but I have to do it at my pace etc... I know no one is perfect, but I don't have to continue to accept their crap, to be told by father not long ago that he only slapped me the odd time because I was a horrible child is a continuation of abuse, he is denying things and continuing to blame me for everything! I do'nt want to take that and I did not see him much anyways as he is MENTAL big time, very unstable!

Stay strong Mummiehunnie, the thing about opening yourself up to counselling and this sort of self reflection is it always makes you feel weaker before your feel stronger. It will get better-you're on the right track

Hang on in there xxxxxx