I need to talk ablout things that are getting on top of me.

[problemsinmyrelationship]

My DP and I have been together for 7 years have 2 dcs one with SN. Everyday is really hard and I get up early in the morning and go to bed late at night just to get things done. I never get a real break or time to myself because there are always things to do especially around my Dc SN. I work pt DP works full time on a on a shift pattern. He also goes to see his family twice a week. so most nights Im by myself.

The reason he goes home is that his mum doesn't accept our relationship and wont come here. I feel I have made too much compromise in our relationship and keep being left with all the rubbish. I have been very supportive to him but dont receive the same support in return. He says that I dont ask, but I know that I do. I have been let down by him so many times but I feel like I dont have a reall reason to leave.

We have been to Relate which wasnt that helpful to be honest but it did give some insight into the behaviour I dont like but they are still there. Sometimes he puts in a real effort and will help me properly other times he will sit back while I do everything. If I ask for help he will do something and then think he's done. He is really selfish and I feel that Ive had enough and just want to leave but Im so desperate to keep my family together at the same time. He has good qualities but I cant deal with the selfishness.

He just has no fight for our relationship he is such a passenger and Im tired of trying so hard to make things work. I often think about leaving but I dont feel brave enough and dont want to break my family up. Is it really enough of a reason to leave? At the same time sometimes I feel like Im an inch away from a break down because I cant cope with it all and Im not feeling supported. practically if I leave I dont really have much help from anywhere else so I'll still be struggling.

I dont really know what to do.

I'm not quick at forming a reply but I am going to post shortly. Please bear with me while I scroll up and down to read your OP and then write my post.

does he take the dcs to see his mum so it gives you a breaK?

what is the issue with his mum? you are the mother of her grandchilren...she ought to be more grown up?

how old are the dc? what level of SN? there is lots of govt money out there for short breaks/respite - you need to be asking for it. around YOUR needs as he works shifts so cannot be there when you neeed (i am guessing) . you need to be asking your social worker children with disabiltiie team. then get yourself out once a week doing your thing - sport, activity whatever.

I'm sorry life is treating you so hard at the moment, it doesn't sound like your DH is being a decent life-partner to you and you seem so sad and tired.

Does he understand that most people don't go to see their parents twice a week? Going alone leaving you at home when he works shifts as well is just ridiculous if he cares about you. He sounds very selfish to be honest.

I think you should try to decide if you still love him, the man he is now, not who he could be or who he used to be.

Then think about whether things can change.

If you want to try to make it work, tell him how seriously you are considering leaving him and ask if he is willing to make the commitment to work at your partnership.

You can always set yourself a date in the future and give it a go, if things haven't improved by then, it's time to reassess.

It might be that you don't want to carry on. I know women who have left their OH and said that life without their partner is hard - looking after the children alone, but it's better long term than being in a bad relationship that makes you unhappy.

Either way, you don't want to drift through another 15 years with a man offering you nothing that you need, you've only got one life!

How old are your children? Can you get out more yourself at all?

Good luck.

I need to be quick as I've got to go out shortly to collect ds so please excuse me being brief.

Sorry to hear about how your feeling atm. Given your situation it is totally understandable.

I know of 3 people who have had breakdowns. I think it is best to seek help from a gp at the earliest possible stage. The breakdowns I've had experience of had a huge impact on the person concerned and their family. If your dp needs a wake up call then perhaps you could find out more about it and put him in the picture.

I don't know how long your dp goes to see his family (his parents you mean, I guess, as you and the children are also his family) but if it's too long and he is therefore not pulling his weight at home or is leaving you without company for too long then please tell him.

If his Mum doesn't accept your relationship then perhaps he's allowing her to get away with behaving in the way she does i.e. refusing to come to your home by going to her home twice a week. Do you think this is the case and does he?

It is really annoying when one person is doing everything and the other sits back. From personal experience I know that I've been the former and someone else has been the latter and I've thought that they, as a reasonably intelligent adult, would realise what they were doing but some people need to have the obvious pointed out, even time and time again.

Your dp needs to listen and understand and please don't let him get away with it when you ask for his help or support and he doesn't give it. Although I understand that you might feel dejected that he hasn't done what you've asked, please tell him firmly at the time and make it clear that your request was reasonable and doable and he didn't do it. Sorry, I'm rushing now because I'll have to go as soon as ds calls. (Teenagers!)

I hope that helps a little bit. You can get through this. Sometimes you need people telling you that you're not in the wrong and backing you up in order to be able to stand up for yourself. It is very hard when you feel you're being ignored.

I hope things get easier soon and that other MNers come on this thread so that you get the support MN can offer.

Sorry again to have rushed this. I hope you can make sense of it.

P.S. Did I say that I was going to be brief!

I dont wan to out myself so Im being deliberately vague with details. Children are young SN quite severe.

He doesn't take the children to his mums none of us are welcome -its a cultural issue.

Shifts are 2 x a week so in all he is gone at least 4 nights but things come up so sometimes more.

One thing we discussed at relate is that I have at least a couple of hours to myself but it hasn't happened.

The thing is I do still love him but Im not really seeing that he loves me.

i would call in social services adn set up some regular respite care for the dcs to allow you to go out and do your thing (or just to get a long bath at home while someone else watches the dc).

that should give you some space to think what you want to do with the relationhsip.
while you tired and a full time carer 24/7 is hard to think straight.

is cultural about the SN? she maybe blames you?

but as others said, he being very weak not to confront her - is he ashamed too? have they ever met the dcs? just throwing out ideas here - sounds like he has big big ishoos and his family.

not a way to live the rest of your life; not good for the dcs.

you love him but he doesnt seem to put you and dcs first?

She doesn't accept me because of the different cultural background.

Never met DCs.

DP so grateful that she didn't cut him off when she found out about me that I dont think he wants to push it. She constantly pressures him to go round more with emotional blackmail thrown in (she is quite old and in ill health).

I think you're very, very tired, my love. I'm not saying your DP shouldn't have more sympathy and help you more - he should, certainly. But I think you are way too tired to look for solutions, too wiped out to make rational decisions of this importance, and too knackered to work on your relationship. You need a good long rest.

Quite a lot more money has been given to local authorities for respite care, specifically for parent/carers of SN children. Applying for support funds is never as starightforward as it was meant to be! This is why cestlavielife's suggestion about calling in social services is a good one - social workers know how to fill in the forms properly, navigate the system and so on.

Please also go to your GP. Lay it on thick - cry, if you feel like it. The doctor can't know how frantic you feel unless you show it.

I've had a breakdown. It wrecked my life. I should not have 'soldiered on'.
There is help out there - one of the hardest things to so, sometimes, is ask for it. But do. Please do. Ask for help!
Sending you virtual chocolates

Sorry this is a brief post (young child upstairs who is not settling!) but on a practical note I just wanted to add that I know from my work there is a lot of help you can get for children with severe SN with regards to respite, even if it's just a few hours here or there. As other posters have said, I think in order to protect your own well being you really need to try and use that so that you can have some time with your other child, but more importantly so that you can take some time out to recharge your batteries, it is so important to look after yourself, as it is so hard looking after a child with SN 24/7. Be kind to yourself, but your DP has to start looking after you too. Have you tried ultimatums? Do you think you would have the strength to carry them out? Respite care could again be helpful if you do decide and find the strength to make a break. I hope it works out for you, it's not easy for you but you sound like a great mum. Take care x

To be honest Ive thought of contacting social services but Im terrified of the implications. Im also scared to go to GP for same reasons. I know SS are there to help buts it has gone very wrong for people in similar circumstances.

What is your dp afraid of if she did cut him off? If it is your skin colour or your religion or some cultural belief or tradition that she doesn't accept then I think he should stand up to her. The fact that she is quite old and in poor health doesn't give her the right to be prejudiced (if that's what she is) against you.

Does she want to meet the dcs or not? Have you or you and your dp decided that she doesn't get to meet them until she accepts you? I'm not being judgemental btw. Grandparents, in my experience, vary between those very interested in their gc all the way down to those who really don't give a toss about some, maybe not all, of their gc. I encourage a relationship with family members who are genuinely interested in my dcs. Those who are very superficial get the minimum back but they are the ones who are missing out due to their behaviour. Of course, my dcs are missing out too but I'm not going to run around after people who can't be bothered to be interested in whatever way is appropriate.

Well, look, your children really will be taken away if you end up having to go into hospital & your DP can't cope

Help is available. It's there for you. Please ask.

She didnt cut him off but he believed that she would.

Not skin colour just background.

She does not want to meet the dcs but Im supposed to be happy she wants a picture of them and DP (not me) and that she asks how we are because "progress.

She sounds like a mean old bag! No help forthcoming there, then

I really feel you need to take care of your own health before you start trying to unravel your relationship issues. How are you fixed for supportive friends & relations? I was assuming none available, but perhaps you just haven't told anyone how rough you're feeling ...

I suppose its also that I feel embarrassed that my Dp doesn't help me more that's one of the first things they ask isn't it. I would have to say well actually he is available to help me but chooses to see his mum instead.

My pride cost me everything I had, including my mental & physical health.
Pride isn't worth ^that& much, believe me.

ahem. that much!

I know, you are right Grace.

I feel that if I have to contact outside support then our relationship isnt worth much anyway. I know things at home will get easier as DC get older ( I hope) but I'll always know that dp didn't help me when I needed it and feel resentful.

True. The priority, though, is to get yourself supported. You never know, he might not have really got just how overstretched you are - it could be a wake-up call. Even if not ( ), some support will put you in a better place to address the issue.

Just for tonight, can you get yourself a treat? Nice bath, bag of chips, paint your nails, whatever floats your boat ...

i ahve had excellent experiience with social workers from the children with disabilities team. they dont approach from "child protection" point of view. please dont mix up social services - taking away children et - with the support you cana cess for children with SN, respite care, and so on. raning from someone to coem and help in your home to respite carea away, family link projects and so on - where child goes to spend eg saturday afternoon with foster carers (this is NOT fostering -is about acessing respite). look up disabled children on your council website tos ee what is on offer.

with regard to being honest about support from your P -yes you tell tehm : my P works shifts so isnt around,a lso he ash to visit his elderly mother twice a week so i am on my own. that si afact.

is then up to you to open up or not about the reasons why. but i t is a FACT that a) he works shifts so you alone 24/7 caring and b) he visits his elderly mother 2x per week so you alone 24/7 caring.

please call tehd uity social worker on children with disabilities team - you can get number form your council switchboard and explain you at the end of your tether, you want to acess repsite and you want someone to doa carers assessment pronto. also you need urgent information on what support is available in the county, what repsite services exist and so on.

my now ex P had huge problems taking my oldest SN ds out for walks etc as was embarrased could not cope - i told SW this and as a result got more respite that might have been the case otherwise. it was a FACT. (and it was HIS problem to sort out)

they didnt get involved with our relationship issues or make judgement s on that - well not until much later when he had had a massive breakdown then became very abusive.... but then it was an excellent SW who i had known for 3 years and i trusted her opinion .

please ask for help/respite/support -struggling on on your own is not the way to go. speak to your HV as well.

just present the facts - YOU do all the caring and you need a break.

if your P asks why you getting help - then you can point out that he isnt providing what you need.

if you dont get help then you may collapse - and then what?

sorri typing too fast - duty social worker on children with disabilities team - you have the right to an assessment of need and to information on what is available.

ask HV too - it is not failure to admit you need support.

social services can for example pay a specialist childminder for several hours a week to give you a break.

they can pay a place in a community nursery.

they can refer you to family link projects.

they can fund someone to come to you to help out at home several hours a week.

there are also volunteer schemes available.

concentrate on all this -then when you stronger maybe address the relationship/grandmother issues. (unless she likely to die soon in which case just hang on in til she does...)