I am a fraud. I've floated around MN for about a year now like a slowly deflating balloon but I'm not actually a mum. I want to be, I've been ready for it for years now. But I've not even launched off the ground in the TTC phase.
Dh and I have been together for 10years.
He has always known I was wanted children.
After about a year of feeling massively broody, on my 26th birthday I asked him to promise that we would be trying to concieve by my 27th. When he asked me why I was looking a little whistful around that date, I reminded him, only to be told that he didn't remember making it.
I'm now halfway to 31 and still waiting.
I stopped on the pill over 2years ago, because it was playing merry hell with my emotional state, and was going to get an implant but at the time, but it didn't feel worth it because we were going to be starting the family within the next six months...weren't we?
The job I'm working in now I took when I was made redundant, I don't enjoy it and the only upside is the pay per hour and flexibility - again thinking family here. If I'd realised that I would still be there 18months later and still looking at least another year before family's a likelyhood I'd be somewhere else by now.
My old job was in a toyshop so I have an attic full of quality toys at knockdown prices - he's not freaked, the last time we went to ikea he freaked me out by mentioning that he wanted to buy a wooden train set for our unborn because he had one. (and it was stupidly cheap)
I'm getting very emotionally down about this topic. I cry about the situation at least once a week. I've woken up at three in the morning unable to stop crying.
He's down about me being down.
I no longer play with any of my nephews and neices because to me they represent what I feel unable to have.
My mum had a hysterectomy when she was 32, my maternal grandmother a few months off, so I feel like timing is massively important. Now logically they'd both had 4 children + 1 mc each by then, but hey this doesn't stop me from feeling that even if things go well biology is against me.
I want more than one child, so mathmatically 31yrs now + around 18 mths = baby one (33yrs)
+30mthsish = poss baby two and getting onto 35/36yrs...
I love my dh, and he does love me too. We plan on growing old and grumpy together. He's just on a different page. He didn't have a great relationship with his dad, so was worried about being a father himself. But two years ago ended up working for 8or so months as a volunteer playworker for a weekend local childrens group. He came away really proud of the friendships that he'd built with some of the children, and feeling so much happier about the possibility of being a dad.
Now we've not got much space where we are, but I know we've enough to fit in a baby. (really how much do they move around in the first few months anywhose?) But no, we have to move first (last nov: 'should put it on the market around feb'. This feb: 'think we'll be ready in Aug')
And we didn't have much money, but we've cleared all our debts now, he's happy to support me through the pregnancy and able to financially do so, though I budget that (even with childcare/reduced hours) I should always be able to put about half again on top of this, which he isn't thinking about.
I feel stupid. Everything is right for the future. We love each other. We both want kids. There is nothing medically against me. All i have to do is wait. And yet, I feel like I've been waiting for so long now. I worry about what will happen If I can't get pregnant. I don't want to but I'll blame him so much. Guess how much this is affecting our sex life.
I think about leaving, getting knocked up then coming back. Or just leaving.
How much is sperm on the internet these days?
This is affecting me so much. I hate the person I have become. Why he's still with me I'll never know. But it. If we're not starting by my next birthday I'm going to have to go. I don't know if I put either of us through the guilty mess that relationship would end up being.
I have no idea what to do. Doubt anyone can really. Anyhow. Just needed to vent. Thanks.