Those of you who have managed to fall back in love with your partner...

[Flame]

(I know you exist, have read you on various threads).

How did you know?

We're on a fight to save us thing, with DH saying he doesn't know if he still loves me.

I feel that we have been through blips before, never mentioned them aloud, but sort of fallen in and out of love over the years. But now it has been said aloud, it is always THERE. We're both v concious of him not saying "I love you" (it used to just be standard like saying thank you would be iyswim).

I'm assuming there is no magical light bulb moment where you wake up and are suddenly magically besotted again, so how do you know when you are analysing everything so much?

I'm one of these people, but that's a really tough question. And I think it depends what you mean by "fall back in love". For me, I knew I was back in love when I felt peace in my head about my relationship.

There was no lightbulb moment. I just realised, after some time of working hard on the relationship, that DH makes me feel safe and happy and secure and loved and that I have no desire (at all) to be anywhere other than with him. I also trust him completely to feel the same. And I don't have to stress on a day to day basis about how I am feeling or how he is feeling. That may sound boring but it's the whole world to me.

That is all I mean really tbh. I have floated along for 10 years, sometimes happy, sometimes not, never questioning "love". Then I poked the nest at the wrong moment and asked if he still wanted to be with us, which got "I don't know", and then (being the bright spark I am), I probed further with the godawful "Do you still love me?" which was when it really went tits up

For me, knowing I could lose him and discovering that I will fight with my soul to keep him has shown me that yeah, I think he's kind of alright after all . We need to reach that relaxed state again.

We had lots and lots of sex and also ignored the kids a bit more and started being more interested in each other. It seemed to remind us of what it was like when we got together/feel valued as a partner and that it is still us 2 against the world really.

Sounds like a horribly tough conversation.

For me, it was the reality of what life without him would be like that made me realise I still loved him. Like someone above said, I realised that he made me feel safe and relaxed and comfortable about being me. When I toyed seriously with the idea of leaving, I suddenly saw how grey, cold and lonely that would be. I cried my heart out for a whole evening, decided to stay with him and my world lit up again.

I agree with the idea that over a long period of time we will fall in and out of love with our long term partner a lot. But that deep companionship is always there, even when the fireworks aren't going off.

defineme - the sex is def increased. he said i was never interested any more, I explained that I was, just put sleep etc higher. I have now shuffled priorities to put sex at the top I wander round with a happy glow if nothing else . He backed away to start with, but settled when i pointed out that I wasn't seeing it as "making love", more just a bloody good f*ck.

we've been working on more couple time (and more family time as it has been him, and meandkids iyswim), also time out in evenings NOT together to find our identities again.

talking about our plans in a couple of years, which sounds positive imo but not too sure if that is just me clinging to any hope.

the last 10 years has seen a lot of depression for me (and him dealing with the fall out), 3 hard pregnancies, difficult children, money worries, him not liking his job... if we have held it together through all that, surely we can survive this?

(And yes, horribly tough conv - my world fell apart, many tears and sex... turns out that is what happens when we get too emotional , more talking, tears and sex over the next fortnight, and now we're about 7 weeks down the line)

mrsS - we went away without him last week, he called for a chat without me nudging him, which again I took as a positive sign. (to chat to me not dc)

Flame I think there is a difference between being 'in love' with someone (which is essentially a feeling) and actually 'loving' someone (which is essentially an action) and that the feeling of falling in love isn't true love at all, and eventually all cpouples fall out of love, but usually when this happens they have already started to truly love each other so it isn't even noticed.

I tihnk it would be unrealistic to try to fall back in love with someone (after all, that isn't real love anyway) and instead you have to focus on actually loving the other person, this being reflected in your actions towards the other person and the relationship, rather than any 'feelings' or lightbulb moments.

Sounds like you two have been through a lot together, people who didn't truly love each other probably wouldn't go through all that suffering together and still be trying to make it work.

You actually need to want to try though don't you? Did any of you get to the point where you had no desire to spend time with your partner and never missed them? Do you think you can come back from there?

H is sure he doesn't love me at the moment but claims he still 'cares' - whatever that means. I have no idea if there is any hope for us, or even if he wants to try, and all I get from him is "I don't know". I guess I'm just fishing for some hope

omdb - I think I'm worried that whilst I get the difference, he doesn't and thinks because that heady rush isn't there, that nothing is iyswim.

Chairmum - "cares" makes you feel like a puppy doesn't it? Being sure he doesn't love you worries me, but again, it could be the whole love/in love thing? You do need to want to try though.

DH has just gone to see his mate to "talk about the stuff" (his words) - it is the first time he has been able to get his mate out. Scared witless he will say something to sway him the wrong way Part of me thinks if he can be swayed then it is obv where his heart is, but the other part thinks that when you're confused, just someone sounding decisive can have a hell of an effect.

He is back and in a much better mood than he went out...

I don't believe in love at first sight. If we work hard to make each other happy, we are being bound ever closer by the tiny threads, which end up being ropes, a web. I don't believe you (or I) can love someone from the start as much as some time along the line. I think the same happened with DS, actually. When he was very small, I was not dizzy with love, etc., but now that we have been together for nearly two years, he is more dear to me than he could have been at the beginning.

"Dear" has two senses: beloved and expensive, something we've spent time, effort, money and love on. Both my DS and DH are dear in both ways.

So, in your situation, do you know what happened to your love? Were the bonds between you broken off abruptly, or did they weaken because there were no more bonds being formed (that is: you were no longer making an effort in the relationship, or the effort was one-sided)?

Sex, as many posters have mentioned, can be a short-term glue which also helps heal weakened bonds, since the good feelings of sex make us more tolerant and loving!

Good luck!

weakened imo through a mix of being a bitch and pushing him away It was only when all this started that I could see clearly how horrendous I have been. Just hoping that it wasn't too long to be irrepairable.

He was def a lot brighter when he came home last night.

I posted this title on the other live thread of very similar theme...
Do check out 'I love you but I'm not in love with you - seven steps to Saving your relationship' by Andrew G Marshall.
Really relevant to this thread.

Thank you - will look for it