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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is he worth the hassle?

22 replies

tinywelsh · 24/02/2010 14:14

This may end up being a bit long and possibly rambling so I apologise now.
I'm pregnant and I'm happy with it, however my other half isn't. He wasn't happy the last time either and I went through a termination. I hated it, it made me want to kill myself and for a few months after I was on anti-depressants.

I had been on the pill but one year later I find myself pregnant again and determined to keep it. When I first told him he seemed okay, he said he'd have an excuse to play lego and scalextric and it'd give him a chance to right some wrongs (he has a daughter from a previous relationship he initially refused to believe was his and hardly ever gets to see)

Then it turned to silent treatments and arguements. He'd been hoping I'd 'see sense' and have another termination as we can't afford a child, I've tried to tell him that there are all sorts of benfits we could claim and although we're not in an ideal situation, I know we'd cope. All his arguements against a child are either money or that he's not ready to have a child. He says he loves me and doesn't want to leave me but I can't help thinking it's beacuse he has nowhere else to go. I do love him and keep telling him this, I tell him that all I want is for him to try and be happy for us.

Everytime we argue I think we get somewhere and then the next day we're back to silent treatment again. I wish he could get his head straight but I wonder if I'm fighting a losing battle?

OP posts:

macdoodle · 24/02/2010 14:17

Is it worth it - no!
Will he change - no!
Are you fighting a losing battle -yes!
Would you be better alone with your baby - almost certainly yes!
Good luck !

WhoIsAsking · 24/02/2010 14:45

Is he worth the hassle? No I wouldn't have thought so. He sounds like an arsehole TBH.

poshwellies · 24/02/2010 14:48

Hmmm.

Did he make it clear that he wasn't interested in starting a family?

AnyFucker · 24/02/2010 14:57

I think I see where you are going with this pw, and I sort of agree, but if he didn't want to start a family he should have taken more responsibilty for contraception (twice, no less...)

what I see from this post is that no, he isn't worth it

and in another thread there is a long list of behaviours that define a bastard, and a man that you should think very carefully about having a relationship with

denying, or refusing to see children from a previous relationship is one the red flags, quite plainly highlighted on there

OP, I am very sorry, but the signs that he is not a keeper have been there all along, and you have been unable to see them

littlestmummystop · 24/02/2010 15:27

Tinywelsh- sorry for your situation, did you think you could 'change' him by having his baby?

Sorry to say you almost definitely won't. He's done this once before and will do it again.

Start planning your life without him today.

Ladyscratt · 24/02/2010 15:33

Poor child, having a father who will resent it being around, if you want this baby have it and bin him.

It won't change and it is not fair on the little person.

AnyFucker · 24/02/2010 15:36

yes, bin the fella

keep the baby if you want to

diddl · 24/02/2010 15:42

No he isn´t worth it.

Original poster

tinywelsh · 24/02/2010 15:50

Thanks for the messages, yeah TBH I thought this may be the end of the road.

Poshwellies, I see your point but I made it clear to him about four years ago a child was something I wanted for the future and I didn't see the point in us staying together if we didn't have the same goals. We'd been arguing because he'd cheated on me (writing this down, he sounds like such a winner!) And over the last year and a bit he'd been telling me that maybe kids wouldn't be the end of the world and how he'd like his dad to be able to see a grandchild (his dad is slowly losing his sight and the feeling in his fingers and feet from diabetes) I understand these didn't mean 'quick! lets have a kid!' But i'd thought that at least he wouldn't be completely negative, and maybe even happy. Wishful thinking on my part I guess.

Thinking on, the other half's sister has never taken her kids round to her dad because of his behaviour. Could be a continuing cycle?

Thanks for the views and advice, hopefully I can post some better news soon.

OP posts:

CliffBarnsby · 24/02/2010 15:52

He is trying to control you. Don't have another termination unless you want it.

mrsboogie · 24/02/2010 16:23

I knew the answer would be no before I even clicked on here; if you have to ask the question the answer is almost certainly no.

Anyhoo - what everyone says above is correct. Bin the man, keep the baby and figure out how you are going to go it alone because he will as useless with this one as he is to his existing child.

And when you make your next foray into romance and relationships please don't go around with your head in the clouds - follow your better instincts and don't ignore the red flags like you must have done with this one.

oh and congratulations by the way!

SolidGoldBrass · 24/02/2010 16:45

COngratulations on your PG, hope all goes well with that. But do bin the man. He sounds like a parasite TBH - you say he doesn;t want to leave you 'because he has nowhere else to go'? DO you own the house or rent it in your name? Are you, by any chance, the only one with an income? Because if so, this man's refusal to accept the PG is because he expects you to devote your life to looking after him. And he isn't worth your efforts.
Mind you, if your PG was an accident then I apologise but - if you got PG in the hope of 'keeping' this wanker, you have learned a sharp and nasty lesson in what a bad idea this is. Get rid of him as soon as possible and concentrate on making a good life for yourself and your DC-to-be - and remember that being single is much, MUCH better than being with a lazy, selfish or abusive man.

mrsboogie · 24/02/2010 16:58

yeah, you'll be better off without him all round...

Original poster

tinywelsh · 25/02/2010 16:25

Thank you SolidGoldBrass for the congrats, but I would never get pg to keep a man, it was a geuine accident. I'd never wish that sort of thing on a child.
Had more wonderful news last night do binning him is looking easier each day.

OP posts:

Kiwinyc · 25/02/2010 16:42

You and your baby deserve better. There is better out there, I hope you have the courage to leave and find it.

groundhogs · 25/02/2010 18:36

tinywelsh, go for it, kick that idiot into touch, he really isn't going to be worth it.

Huge congratulations to you on the PG!

BitOfFun · 26/02/2010 01:49

Baby good. Man waste of time.

Whizzywigg · 26/02/2010 08:47

Have also been in the situation of being pg and realising that the man was just wrong, wrong, wrong... Of course, I had known it wasn't exactly roses before, but being pg does tend to bring things into sharp relief.

It is a horrible thing to deal with - just at a time that the pg leaves you needing to pampered, congradulated and loved, instead you're riding an emotional rollercoaster. I dithered about dumping the man, and about having a termination (got as far as the actual appointment before backing out).

It is not easy. Having a baby with a man is an irreversable step, in that, whilst you can leave the relationship, he will always be the father. For me, that is a mix of genes and emotional aspects (despite the fact that DD has never met him). Leaving during pg is difficult, as unlike couples who split when the children are older, you have a difficult path if you want to help establish a relationship between child and father. I think it is hard to grow up without knowing your father at all, and I feel some guilt I suppose that I wasn't able to give my DD that experience.

The other grief I think is dealing with not having a happy pg. I suppose I had always assumed I would meet Prince Charming, get married, have (lots of) babies and live happily ever after. OK, it might be a bit idealistic, but I remember getting axious about all the stuff that I thought I would now miss out on. Most of the specific fears proved unfounded - if this is the path you choose, you do find other ways of having a good life.

Howeever, I would think carefully about whether you can make the relationship work too. This is not always possible, - I should konw - but I think if you're going to have the man's child, it is worth trying to save the relationship too. I think sometimes people are a little too dumpy-happy.

Good luck - take care, and be gentle with yourself.

Whizzywigg · 26/02/2010 08:51

Sorry - read that back - didn't mean to imply it is easier to split or easier to maintain contact if you split when the children are older...

Both paths are hard - but splitting before LO is born has particular challenges, iyswim

Sorry - also - meant to say..

People (who post advice here) are a little too dump-happy.

Hullygully · 26/02/2010 08:54

If you have to ask...then yes.

Hullygully · 26/02/2010 08:55

I mean no

Original poster

tinywelsh · 26/02/2010 08:57

Thank you all for the support, and it's nice to get perspective from people who've been there before.

Even if I bin the man, as you say, he would still be a father and I wouldn't want to cut him or his family (however much I can't stand them) out of the kid's life, especiall as he genuinely seems upset that he's missed out on his daughter's life and continues to miss so many important things.

One thing that's getting me through is knowing that my family support me and this pregnancy (i haven't told them about relationship issues, can't stand the 'i told you so')

Thanks again to everyone.

OP posts:

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