Am I being a selfish cow?

[laurasarah]

Been happily married for 12 years and still very much in love hes fantastic in every way.

One small issue keeps coming up time and time again. Bascially he works away Monday to Thursday every week sometimes Monday to Friday. I work school hours and look after our two DCs 9 and 6.

Anyway we both like to keep fit I run average 2 nights a week for about an hour.
He however likes to play football always has done and think always will but this entails him leaving the house on a Sat morn at 12ish and not arriving back until 5pm.

I have said that I dont want him to do this as I feel it encroaches on our family time plus I have been on my own with the kids all week doing school run, clubs etc and trying to work at the same time and I think I deserve a bit of a breather!

Am I being selfish, should I just let him go bbecause I know it makes him happy?

Any advice greatly appreciated.

Hmmm I don't know. It is a long time I guess but if it's something he loves to do. My DH plays for about 3 hours on a Sunday morning as well as doing various other things through some weekday evenings. But I run for about 5 hours a week so I guess it evens out.

I know how hard it is being with the DC on your own - I used to work school hours only and it was a real trudge. But I guess he sees the weekends as his time off too. If DH told me I couldn't go out on a saturday afternoon to run (or at any other time), I'd be very upset.

Could he compromise on the length of time he is away for. I'm guessing some of that 5 hrs is a drink in the pub?

Thanks Ormrenewed

It is a real trudge and very tiring being on your own.

It is something he loves to do and I dont think the time spent out could be shortened because sometimes if they are on an way game then hes got to leave earlier but yes it does involve a drink in the pub afterwards!
It wouldnt be so bad if it was morning cos then you know at least you can do something in the afternoon!

The thing is when I go out running its usually early evening say going out at 6.45 and back for 8 so there isnt really a comparison there. I love him so much and I just want him to be happy but am I compromising my own happiness. I also know that the kids miss him a lot when hes away during the week so I feel for them too.

"I also know that the kids miss him a lot when hes away during the week so I feel for them too."

This is the point, surely?

However tiring it is for you being alone all week, that is how you and your husband have arranged your lives, so ultimately it is just something you have to suck up.

Equally, however much he loves football, his enjoyment of football is not the most important consideration. He is away from his children all week long and then he comes home and spends another day on something that "makes him happy"?

I'm not a big fan of "family time", but your children barely see their father from one end of the week to the other.

Frankly, it's pretty shit if he needs you to tell him that playing football should not be his number one priority on one of the two days a week when he sees his children.

I agree that afternoons is worse.

I think you should tell him exactly why it bothers you and suggest he plays every other match maybe. Is that a compromise you could live with?

My DH currently works at home now but previously has always worked away for the last 10 yrs or so.

I would say YANBU....why cant he play footie in the week whilst away? This is what my DH did (as much to occupy himself whilst away as anything).

Does your DH work away in teh same place each week? If so then he could get a team sorted where he is.

Personally i would feel aggreived at his like you (and im pretty laid back). If he is away all week than i would expect weekends to be pretty much 100% family time.

Is his actual footie 12-5 or is some of this time in pub after....if so then maybe the compromise could be that he just goes to the match (2 hrs) and comes home after. Again he has free nights in the week to have a few beers.

As your boys are a bit older can he take them with him to footie so you get a breather that way?

Maybe he needs a week at home doing all the running around after the kids to realise where you are coming from??

That is the point skidoodle.

We havent arranged out lives like this however, we moved to a brand new area 4 years ago and I havent settled so we are therefore looking to move back to where we came from. He has got the job in that area (hence the reason why he is away) and once we have sold the house then we will all move with him. So temporarily at the moment I do have to "suck up" and I do know its only temporary but he has been commuting for the past 16 months!

Thans OrmRenewed

This is exactly what I have said to him I dont mind you playing the odd one but not every week which he has accepted but then I end up feeling guilty!

Oh well, wot can we do but hope that the house sells sooner rather than later.

Thanks for your advice girls.

yes,was going to suggest maybe you go along some of the time?

it stops at end of season though surely? is he home then? not long to go really if he doesnt play over the summer

Oh definitely don't feel guilty then

Thanks thehairybabysmum

He sometimes plays footie on a Wednesday evening when he is away but most of the time he is working as he is in the pub trade and he has to do night time visits!

I have 2 girls not boys so not really interested in footie so taking them with him not an option!

He does understand how hard it is for me bless him he is a really supportive, loving, caring husband and a fantastic dad when he is there.

I suppose yes season is almost over so not long to go.

Tbh we are both pretty laid back so its not a massive issue its just I feel like I'm being selfish because I know hes been working hard all week too and needs to let off some steam.

Oh what a to do!!!

You are not being at all selfish - not at all!!!

He should absolutely give up the football to spend time with you and the children on the weekend.

My DH used to go to rugby every Saturday and then the pub. Later would arrive home, drunk. We are now divorced_.

Not suggesting your DH like this at all, but resentment does build up eventually.

Thanks IvanaPavlov

I think I will suggest to him that he goes every other week as opposed to every week and just for the specified time of the game ie 2 hours not 4!

I wouldn't be happy with not a lot of family time, sort of defeats the object really doesn't it. Some families thrive on the space, however me and mine are quite close, we live together all the time but work full time and I moan that we don't get enough quality family time.

Time to do the fun stuff.