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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Completely bonkers MIL causing me grief

16 replies

Shriekable · 23/02/2010 14:45

I have come to the conclusion that my MIL, who until recently I thought might be mildly deranged, is actually completely bonkers.

She asks to have my son a couple of times a week. At first I was fine about it, but now I'm not so sure. Some of the things she has done when he is with her (and her response when I question why): had him for 3 hours and not given him a drink, even though I provided her with one (he doesn't get thirsty), persisted in feeding him white choc - which gives him diahorrea - even when I told her not to (a bit of what he likes won't do him any harm, and once she even denied giving it to him, even though I found lumps of it in the bottom of his pushchair), not changed his nappy when he had pooed - the smell when she brought him back was overpowering; he had a poo stain on his cream trousers that was approx 4"x2". The poo stain was totally dry, so it hadn't just happened (I didn't notice, we've been in the garden); gave him a box of matches and a polythene bag to play with - the bag even had that warning on stating not to give to babies and children (he can rattle the matches and the bag makes a lovely scrunchy sound), brought him back in a downpour without putting the raincover on the pram - both child and pram soaked (just towel him off a bit), repeatedly tells me to give him whisky when I say he's cranky (I'm not lying, the doctor told me it's fine).

She also is always late when picking him up - anything from 20 mins to 2.5hrs. Once she just didn't turn up at all. The last time she was 55 mins late and when she turned up I said 'I thought you were coming at 2pm, I thought you had got lost'. She said 'Isn't it a lovely day?' Whenever I try and broach the subject of her behaviour, she just changes the subject, or looks away and goes quiet, then says, 'well, must go!'

I tried to say something when my DS was newborn,(she never supported his head, would take him to her house and bring him back in the cold half-dressed), but then MIL's hubby said that I had made her feel unwelcome and then I felt bad. I was brought up by a martyr mother, so have been made to feel bad and put others first most of my life, and end up feeling like crap. So what do I do? Grin, bear it, and go slowly mad? Or tell them where to go? Or move house???

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 23/02/2010 14:48

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mumof2point5 · 23/02/2010 16:13

i'm with SGM
she's not of this planet!
supervised access only
you are being too kind

beeny · 23/02/2010 16:15

Shes mad agree with supervised access

bowbluebell · 23/02/2010 18:32

Totally agree, you are responsible for your child's wellbeing. Don't compromise it for fear of offending your MIL!

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 23/02/2010 18:34

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RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 23/02/2010 18:35

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rainbowinthesky · 23/02/2010 18:36

Why do you let her have him several times a week??

going · 23/02/2010 18:39

I wouldn't let her have him! You have to stand up to her for the sake of your son!

GiveMeChocolateNOW · 23/02/2010 19:09

Dried poo and matches, no No, NO!!!!

My MIL is quite similar and excuses herself because she reckons she's a free spirited ex-hippy. She is always harking back to how she did things when her kids were young. Although I think there's more to it than a clash of different parenting styles.

When your MIL is looking after your child surely she should be doing so on your terms not hers? It sounds like your MIL is deliberately undermining you.

In the end I had to try to limit mine to supervised access.

Agree with GOING, you have to think of your son. Mine took dd1 out for the day in near freezing temps without a coat, even though I left one for her. No one in their right mind would do that.

StewieGriffinsMom · 23/02/2010 19:57

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diddl · 23/02/2010 20:13

Any one of those things & I´m wondering why she ever had himagain tbh.

mathanxiety · 23/02/2010 20:19

No need for a big falling out. Just say no with a smile, and invite her over if she wants to spend time with the DS once a week or so.

Shriekable · 02/03/2010 09:23

I am SOOO glad that you all agree - I have been made to feel - by MIL and her husband - that I am overprotective and neurotic. When I told my DH about the poo and drink bits he said 'don't let her have him anymore' but then in the next breath he's telling me to get her to take him so I can go out on my own. I have no desire to leave him with her and then spend the rest of the time wondering whether he's still breathing. Even my mother seems to think I'm over-exaggerating, but everything I mentioned is the truth, and there's stuff that I left out too. Thanks mums x

OP posts:
MmeLindt · 02/03/2010 09:27

Has she always been like this or has her behaviour deteriorated recently? Is she a bit um, how shall I put it it.. vague in other ways?

I am wondering if she could be suffering from early dementia.

She should not be caring for your DS alone. Trust your instincts.

Ladyscratt · 02/03/2010 09:31

It is neglect at the end of the day. If she wants to see him then have organised visits at your house or get you DH to take him for a couple of hours but supervised.

kittyonthebeam · 02/03/2010 10:04

This is outrageous. Any whiff of one of these things and she'd never have him again!!! You are lucky he is still alive and unhurt. And these are just the things you know...how much has gone on that you have no idea about?

Jesus, did she bring your DH up like this, too? Don't bend over and take it, protect your DS! He cannot care for himself, he relies on his mummy and daddy to make sure he is well and properly cared for, parental duty anyone! Tell your MIL that after considering what has gone on so far you & your Dh feel it is in the child's best interest if she sees him in your house under supervision. If she doesn't like this, then she has to accept that she cannot see him.

And don't go bringing him to her house for supervised play, better to be on your own turf!

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